Unconfirmed BPD?

[Warcleods]

Hello All,

First post here.

I have been in a relationship with someone I suspect may have BPD.  This person has not been clinically diagnosed, but it has been suggested in the past by more than one therapist that she may in fact have BPD. 

I realize this relationship is over, it has to be, due to the cycle of personality changes endured during the relationship. 

My question is pretty simple and not to be mistaken as a diagnosis for her, but more of a confirmation for me.

Does this sound like BPD?

Here are some of the behaviors that I have ignored and made excuses for over the course of the relationship:

1. Implusive (doesnt consider consequences of actions until after something negative happens).
2. Distancing (phases of go away / I need you).
3. Almost childlike with weird expressions and baby talk.
4. Lack of empathy for my needs and wants.
5. Indecisive about anything related to interpersonal relationships and solid conflict resolution.
6. Unable to make simple decisions such as what to buy at the food store, what to wear on a date.
7. Terrified of being alone.
8. Binge eater.
9. Unrealistic expectations of what she wants in a partner but does not possess those qualities herself such as inner strength, decisiveness, confidence, stability.
10.  Very good at painting an external stable image to others but extremely broken behind closed doors.
11. Constantly changing life goals and abandoning them when no real progress is made.
12. Obsessive about weight / health and external image but unable to make any changes to improve them.
13. Doesn't feel worthy or deserving of love and unable to return it.
14. Extremely volatile mood swings from elated to doom and gloom and hopeless.
15. Sexual addiction / not with other partners to my knowledge.

There are other things but the above are the most prevalent behaviors I have seen on many occasions. 

I almost feel as if I am really dealing with 2 different people.  She will go through cycles of being on top of the world and able to tackle anything that comes her way, to completely helpless, a failure and unable to handle the simplest of tasks.  This relationship is not, never was and never can be healthy for me.  I feel it has damaged me in some capacity.

Thanks for advance for your input!
 

[icky]

certainly sounds like it to me. but i'm new here, so someone more knowledgeable is bound to give you a more detailed reply. i think of BPD's like 3 year old kids. so #9 makes sense to me - she doesn't want a relationship between equals - she wants (needs!) the role of the kid and wants you to have the role of the parent - i.e. having the strength and wisdom that she, the kid, doesn't have. welcome to this site - i think it will help you answer all the questions you have and to make peace with your experience, over time

[Warcleods]

certainly sounds like it to me

but i'm new here, so someone more knowledgeable is bound to give you a more detailed reply

i think of BPD's like 3 year old kids

so #9 makes sense to me - she doesn't want a relationship between equals - she wants (needs!) the role of the kid and wants you to have the role of the parent - i.e. having the strength and wisdom that she, the kid, doesn't have

welcome to this site - i think it will help you answer all the questions you have and to make peace with your experience, over time

Thank you so much for your reply.  She made the comments such as you make me feel safe, protected, validated, wanted, cared for etc.  It was so confusing because she would say those things and then go into these cycles of i want you/go away.  It became too much for me to handle and I was in the Fixer role.  I cannot be that way and frankly don't want to.  I have some insecurities of my own that need to be worked out but my mood and aspirations in life remain balanced and consistent.

[icky]

: ). yes, we shouldn't be in a carer role, unless we actively decide that that's what we want to do with this part of our life's journey. well done on focussing on your needs and your life - it sounds like you are doing really well. i think you'll find lots of great support on this website to get the closure you are looking for and to help you move on in a grounded, happy, peaceful way. see you around : )

[Warcleods]

Make no mistake, I am dealing with the aftermath of this.  I am not over it, healed, or relieved of what has happened in this toxic relationship.  By toxicity, I mean it was volatile in the shifting of moods so frequently and the profound effect it had on my psyche.  Largely, my mood was dictated by the state of her mood.  I have to admit, I ignored my intuitions about this person very early on.  She made some startling admissions about her past and some of the behaviors she engaged in.  In retrospect, I am not sure why I was so naive and dismissive.  I feel vulnerability towards her but I know deep down inside that this is really not the right fit for me.  My conscious mind is trying to make sense of something that I just can't understand.

[icky]

yeah, i get it : ). i still think you sound like you are doing a good job! you might find this thread interesting:. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=300672.0. it's about the early-warning signs people had in their relationships that their partner was not well, but that they either didn't recognise at the time, or chose to ignore

[icky]

and yes, i think it takes a loong time, before it makes any kind of "sense". and some of it never makes "sense"

[enlighten me]

The list you wrote I could have written word for word about my uBPD exgf.

[Warcleods]

OK so its been a little over week since my NC started.

I keep thinking about her, I have the desire for her to reach out but deep down I don't want her to and I am not going to.  I am struggling right now with self blame and I feel as if I am a polka dotted piece of paper with white dots just scattered everywhere.  The polka dots represent my scattered thoughts and they are not seeming to line up in any coherent fashion.  I am alternating between sadness, frustration, and in part, a sense of abandonment.  Even though I left her, I do have some feeling of abandonment due to the fact that I was never able to receive the reciprocal display of love that I always afforded her.  I am not sure if this is normal or not or if I have some type of underlying emotional issue as well (I think most of us do in some capacity).  I know they say that we are attracted to people that most closely resemble our emotional maturity.  However, I never found myself on such an emotional roller coaster as she was.  I allowed her emotions and actions to dictate my happiness most of the time.  I know that is not healthy and I must learn from that but the juncture it doesn't feel like I've made much progress so far.  I have not even considered numbing my emotions with distractions  and am just trying to accept them as a normal, healthy process called, "being human."  I am spending too much researching this issue and not enough time just being me.  I feel as though I should just be getting on with my life and start focusing on accomplishing things and betting myself, however, I am having a tough time getting over that hurdle.

Does anyone have any feedback?

[icky]

i think ALL of what you've described sounds like a really normal and healthy reaction to all this. and, yup, we all have some emotional issues (comes with the territory of being human). it can be worthwhile addressing them, so feel free to look at any of your issues, without feeling like you are to "blame" or like your emotional issues mean that you massively contributed to the dynamic. of course, you'll have made some normal, human mistakes and contributions. feeling all over the place (and thoughts going that way too is normal). so is missing her . yeah, we do tend to be attracted to people with a similar level of emotional maturity, but i don't think that's a hard and fast rule. i think it's also possible to get entangled in a weird dynamic with another human being, to find it confusing and to not know how to untangle yourself from that dynamic quickly. BPD is something that takes most of us by surprise - we are not prepared for it and hence can become quite entangled in a dynamic that, in essence, has little to do with us. it takes time to heal from this stuff - you will have days where it's easier and days where it all feels crap and kinda painful. i also think spending "too much time" researching this issue is normal too - you're trying to get your head around it, which will help you get over this, even if you feel like you're over-focussing on it at the moment. have you read the posts in the ":)etaching From the Wounds of a Failed BPD Relationship" section? or considered posting there? everybody there is struggling to move on and is experiencing the issues you are going through, and trying to focus on moving on in a healthy, positive way. it might be comforting to see you're in a lot of good company there : )

[Warcleods]

Thank you dear!

I hope everything is going well with you.

[icky]

. : ). yeh. i struggled with some anger and resentment issues earlier today, but am feeling better again. it's a bumpy journey - whether we leave our BPD ex-partners or stay in the BPD relationship. sigh. you're doing great work processing this stuff - keep it up! : )

[Warcleods]

Hmmm thank you for your inspiring insight.

I'm still beating myself over the head as to why I completely ignored all of the red flags so early on in this relationship.  Admittedly, they made me uncomfortable and uneasy but I chose to ignore them and agree with her usual mantra that it was everyone elses fault.  In hindsight, I think it was because I was struggling with some co-dependency issues of my and in many ways like her, needed external validation.  My feelings regarding her always remained stable and it took me some time to make the distinction within myself as to whether this was infatuation or actually love.  I discovered that it was actually love.  I know that BPD sufferers have an unhealthy pattern of feeling extremely close to people they barely know.  She did exactly that and when I was questioned about it early on in the relationship, it seemed unfathomable to her that the feelings weren't reciprocal.  My response to that question was, "I felt chemistry and developed a speedy liking to you, but I cannot feel close unless I actually know you and that takes time and involves trust which also takes time to develop."

While through much of the relationship, I did have a habit of just agreeing with her regardless of the fact that her behaviors to me seemed unhealthy and at times, made me uncomfortable.  I am actively working on developing skills to confront, stand by and communicate my values to others in a respectful but firm way, and most importantly, actually sticking by them. 

I think a lot of times, I challenged her i ways that people prior to me haven't.  I don't think she liked that at all and it took her way out of her comfort zone.  For example, she had a black and white view of her previous relationships.  Either it was all her fault or all their fault and she was pretty good at convincing herself that it was the latter even though the evidence weighed heavily against her.  I would challenge her and as whether she thought the demise of her relationships had anything to do with her.  I backed her into an uncomfortable wall so to speak and I would take her own words and use them against her.  In other words, she was very contradictory, all of the time.  She actually truly believed that starting an "open marriage," would be a path to enlightenment in her ailing marriage and would draw her and her ex closer.  What a mess... .