Kids

[myDisplayName]

I am in the process of splitting a BPD. Still leaving in the same house.

My major concerns are my kids.

The BPD involves them in adults talks, uses them to hurt me, plays the game to be the good parent, etc.

I want to do whatever is needed to help them go through childhood and teenage years the best possible way.

BPD and separation will affect their lifes but I would like them to have healthy relationships in the future.

What suggestions do you have?

Is BPD developed during childhood?

[Mutt]

Hi myDisplayName,



I'd like to welcome you to  bpdfamily. I'm sorry to hear that. You're hurt sinks when your partners drags the kids into a dispute. I can relate with that. It was a boundary that I didn't want the kids to be involved in fights, she'd pick fights in front of the kids.

I dont think that a pwBPD are aware of their dramatic behaviors, BPD is a persecution complex where the person feels that they are a victim and their circumstances are caused externally. A pwBPD will cast themselves in the role of victim and sometimes rescuer and rarely persecutor. Your partner is casting you in the role of persecutor, herself the victim or rescuer and casting the kids in the role of rescuer. It's a Karpman drama triangle.

Escaping Conflict and the Karpman Drama Triangle

It's not known what the exact cause of BPD, there are different theories but it is believed that BPD could be caused by the environmemt, genetics or trauma. How old are your kids? If your kids are young  they're pretty resilient and if they're really young they likely won't recall it later on in life. If they're teenagers then they may go through a more difficult time.

What are your demands for custody in the divorce proceedings?

[myDisplayName]

Mutt,

Thank you for sending me the link of the Karpman Drama Triangle. It helps me a lot to understand the situation. It is a great article. I can clearly see the roles that everybody is acting.

My kids are 7 and 9.

My partner has a teenager from a previous relationship. This previous relationship ended when this teenager was 2 or 3 years old. The teenager is having a very hard time during the last few years (psychiatric treatment, psychiatric medications, etc... .).

I do not want my kids to go through similar situations than this teenager or suffer like this teenager. I do not want my kids to develop BPD due to their BPD parent and/or the separation. This is the reason I am reading about BPD, I signed up to this website, and talking to therapists.

I also think that BPDs are not aware of their behaviors and consequences of their actions, at least most of the times.

My custody demands are 50% of the time.

[Mutt]

I understand. I knew my exe's D for several years. She was 6 when we met and she's 17 now and she displays BPD traits, similar to the teenager the r/s wended when she was 2. I worried about my kids too, I feel like their sister was an opportunity to see what could possibly happen. He after had moved away when she was young and didn't get a proper court order and my ex was incredibly difficult with visitation and access and ger D suffered.  Her father was young and probably didn know' better at the time. I'm pretty certain that he didn't know about BPD. Did the teenager have access to their dad?

I have shared custody too. The kids need an emotionally stable parent to fall back on because their mother has social impairments. I know there can be a lot if conflict, especially when your partner's fear of abandonment is triggered, it can feel like an emotional barrage. I'm guessing that you're moving out? Your kids are going to need stability and to counter balance their mothers home.

[Marceljesse]

Hi myDisplayName,

Welkome on this site. I am a complete new member here, so I can not givebyou much of advice yet. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and that there are more of us

[Panda39]

Hi myDisplayName,

I want to echo Mutt and say one of the best things you can do for your kids is create a stable alternate universe for your kids.  Another thing is to validate their feelings. there is a good book about validating your kids that you might want to check out... .The Power of Validation: Arming Your Child Against Bullying, Peer Pressure, Addiction, Self-Harm, and Out-of-Control Emotions Karyn D. Hall Melissa Cook. 

You might also consider therapy for your kids too. It gives them a neutral person outside of the divorce conflict they can talk to and someone that can help them with coping skills.

Take Care,
Panda39

[myDisplayName]

Thank you for all advice and support.

Panda39: I will read the book you suggested me. Thanks.