Divorce

[Tom229]

Planning  to divorce. What  can I  expect?

[ForeverDad]

Can you give some background information, general examples are fine so you can still feel anonymous, some patterns and typical but abnormal behaviors?  Without any detail it's impossible to list all the possible combinations if issues and which would trigger your stbEx more than others.

If you browse this board you ought to find other topics where similar questions were asked and you can read the responses.

For you as you face legal and logistical issues:
Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by William A. Eddy & Randi Kreger

For you as a parent of young children:
Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak

A few general comments on divorcing a person with BPD (pwBPD).

• Each person is different and can react differently from others, though with BPD and other acting out PDs there are common actions, reactions and overreactions.  Predictable to an extent but also unpredictable.  As the saying goes, there is method to the madness, even if it doesn't make logical sense.
• If you have children together, especially young ones, then divorce can get very complicated and delayed due to the custody and parenting issues added to the usual separation and financial triggers.
• If the case is particularly sticky and children are at stake, you may need a very experienced evaluator to conduct a Custody evaluation, not cheap but the in depth nature of the report can be very helpful to your case.
• One major if not the major perspective with pwBPD is their heightened fear of abandonment.  It can be so extreme that the resulting behaviors actually drives away the other person.  Or they abandon you first so that you can't abandon them.
• Don't expect reason and logic to work with them.  BPD is often phrased as an emotional and mood dysregulation disorder.  They can be easily triggered by actions, lack of actions or even just by a brief glance.  Not only are they probably not listening, anything coming from you may be so encumbered with the other's perceived emotional baggage from the relationship that nothing works.
• Before taking action it is wise to get many ducks in order, so to speak.  Get multiple legal consultations with family law attorneys.  If conflict is likely then (1) you'll want one experienced, proactive and with strategies for at least some level of success and (2) you'll avoid hiring the ones who just file forms and hold hands.
• Ponder how to handle the financial and property aspects.  Money in joint bank accounts is generally considered as marital and you each have a right to half.  But be aware no one will stop your spouse from draining the accounts, little or no consequences.  Lawyers and judges just assume it will be worked out later in the financial part of the divorce.  When dealing with an acting-out disorder it mean you'll never see your half again, it will be squandered or squirreled away never to be seen again.  If you are the one paying the bills then drained accounts could be a real hardship for you, best to ponder now how much you should keep in joint accounts so you're not unfairly put in a financial bind.
• Everyone, especially those of the male gender, are at high risk of facing charges or allegations, it's not uncommon that some of us were arrested leading up to and during our separations.  Laws often assume that the woman is defaulted to being the victim or target of abuse or misdeeds.  That puts us Nice Guys directly in the spotlight of police and judges.  Too often it's all "he said, she said" and the judge may decide to err on the side of caution, that is, handling the man as a likely controller or abuser.  So don't ever, not even once, act verbally or physically in any way that can be twisted into some allegation of DV or child abuse.
• I sometimes recorded myself during my spouse's rants and rages as my marriage was imploded.  Sure enough, she made 'sour grapes' allegations once we separated.  But I knew she didn't have proof of any bad behaviors on my part and I had some recordings documenting that I wasn't the one misbehaving.  Still, courts listen when women claim abuse so be aware and beware.  No judge wants to wake up in the morning and see in the news that they denied protection to a women who turned up dead or in the hospital.  Protect yourself.  Be proactive.
• Quietly document the facts.   Make copies of important documents.  Start removing your personal mementos that your spouse won't notice are gone.  Put them in a safe place your spouse has no access to.  No, a locked briefcase or trunk isn't safe enough, tire irons and hammers can gain access.
• You have a right to confidentiality when seeking a lawyer and legal advice.  You do not have to comply with demands and interrogations.  Sounds silly to state that reminder, but many of us, myself included, were trained to comply to virtually every ultimatum and demand.  Sorry, appeasement doesn't work, at least not for long.

[livednlearned]

You may want to pick up a copy of Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing a BPD/NPD Spouse by Bill Eddy.