Baiting?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I've noticed a tendency of my wife to frequently insert lines in to conversations to try and bait me into an argument or to generate conflict. This seems to occur even outside of times when she is really upset or raging.

For example, my sister's family is planning to come and visit for the holidays. My wife will say "those people" coming to visit or "your people" instead of referring to them by their name or her family.

Most nights I usually give our child a bath and brush their teeth before bed. She will say to them, "you are probably going to have cavities the first time you see a dentist since we know the person who brushes your teeth isn't doing a good job."

Again, she is not in a particularly bad mood when these things are said. Confronting it directly or even just trying to acknowledge what she is saying leads to an escalation, which I'm usually trying to avoid in front of our child.  If I ignore it, nothing more happens so there is a short term positive feedback.

Is there a better way to handle these lower intensity comments? It doesn't seem like validation is a communication skill that applies here.

[lpheal]

I've noticed a tendency of my wife to frequently insert lines in to conversations to try and bait me into an argument or to generate conflict. This seems to occur even outside of times when she is really upset or raging.

For example, my sister's family is planning to come and visit for the holidays. My wife will say "those people" coming to visit or "your people" instead of referring to them by their name or her family.

Most nights I usually give our child a bath and brush their teeth before bed. She will say to them, "you are probably going to have cavities the first time you see a dentist since we know the person who brushes your teeth isn't doing a good job."

Again, she is not in a particularly bad mood when these things are said. Confronting it directly or even just trying to acknowledge what she is saying leads to an escalation, which I'm usually trying to avoid in front of our child.  If I ignore it, nothing more happens so there is a short term positive feedback.

Is there a better way to handle these lower intensity comments? It doesn't seem like validation is a communication skill that applies here.

[jrharvey]

It is baiting. Its something my GF does A LOT. Just last night she called me and I answered pretty happily saying hey babe and she eventually asked me if something was wrong and went on to say she is only ever upset when I do something wrong. I responded by saying not always and she went on to list many many things she sees as me being wrong. A list of critisisms. She often takes the opportunity to criticize me almost every day with small things.

I usually respond with a calm statement like I don't like when you say that or if it happens more than once. Then she will switch to victim with an extreme accusation like... ."why are you mad at me? what did I do?". If she really wants to stir things up she will say "I know you have a temper but you don't have to yell at me". Keep in mind I am not yelling just calmly asking her to not criticize. The key is to just detatch at that point I think but I haven't been successful. Its definitely a bait and switch type thing.

She will say that there was nothing wrong with what she said and I was over sensitive and got mad and yelled or something then say she doesn't deserve to be talked to like that. I complete switch with some projection in there.

Last night when this started I stated what I wanted and stated my boundary. I told her I didn't want to be criticized for no reason. All the switching and gaslighting she could do would not make me change my mind. I said I am leaving because I don't want to be criticized and I don't like it. There was an extinction burst all night and I sat on the couch and watched the election. Eventually it just didn't matter anymore and she was fine.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Ipheal, I'm divorced from my BPDxW so I'm out of the firing line, so-to-speak, but I find her comments rude and demeaning to you and your sister's family (or should I say "those people"?).  My guess is that you would never say anything along those lines, because you are a mature adult, whereas those w/BPD are more on the emotional level of a child.  My only suggestion is that this is an area where boundaries might be helpful, but in my experience those w/BPD often refuse to respect boundaries, so it can be exhausting!  Sad to say, I spent many a night at the local motel when my Ex trampled on my boundaries.

LuckyJim

[teapay]

Most baits are small rude and provactive things, so I simply ignore as a boundary and maybe leave the area as consequence.  Baits are designed to get you to engage and then to project unto.  If it escalates, then I do similar to j harvey and disengage.  Disengaging is a boundary that entails its own consequence that BPD particularly don't like.  Many BPD can make that connection and desist or lessen baiting and other poor behaviors.  Positive changes can then be validated and reinforced.  As a rule of thumb, validate the good and consequence the bad.

[lpheal]

Thanks for the replies. I found some additional information on how to deal with this (which is similar to what has been said above), as long as it is not abusive. They used the term "least reinforcing scenario," which basically means trying to overlook it or just react calmly to it.

[formflier]

  They used the term "least reinforcing scenario," which basically means trying to overlook it or just react calmly to it.

Interesting... .I would like to hear more.  What does "react calmly" look like.

My suggestion would be to directly hand it back to her for action or perhaps directly ask about an emotion?

How do you feel about our family visiting... .or "the" family visit that is coming up?  Goal here is to uncover emotion to validate.  Not to "fix" her way of speaking.

For the tooth brush thing.  Stay friendly and interested, then ask if she has a specific concern about tooth brushing.  Listen to reply.  If she declines to provide specifics... .directly ask if she has anxiety about the kids teeth.

If emotion is revealed... .validate it.

If you get blather... .stay friendly and let her know that you are open to discuss concerns or emotion about teeth brushing, she should let you know when she wants to discuss that.

In other words... .don't give her option for anything else and if she goes somewhere else, let her know you are open to continue the conversation on those topics.  Don't debate whether or not she is staying on those topics.

Yes there is more energy expended this way than just ignoring it.  I would also say that if you try this for month or two with no change from her side, I would change tactics or just start ignoring it.

Thoughts?  You know her best... .

FF