My Teenage Daughter Has BPD

[Paradoxhaze]

I guess I can just tell all here. Not something I get to do.

My lovely daughter has always been a little different. I always noticed, asked the doctors and was told she was normal for her age. The lying was normal, the manipulation was normal, the stealing was normal, all of it just normal whatever age she was stuff. I knew better. A year and a half ago, my daughter hit puberty. Full force. For most families this is an awkward conversation, and a trip to the drug store an over reacting child and you get through it. Not for us. I actual envy people who have mentally healthy children. I don't mean to I just do.

One day my daughter just didn't come home.

I called everywhere. I walked to all her friends houses and nobody had seen her. I waited till dark giving the benefit of the doubt that she had  a new friend and was just playing and lost track of time. She didn't. I called the police who searched my home, as if I was to blame? Of course they didn't find her. Around midnight I get a call from a mother of a girl she knows. My daughter told her that I had hit her, and that she was being molested at home. Instead of calling the police like any normal parent would do she just let her stay there. I told her none of it was true and that I needed her to return my child whom I had been frantically looking for all night, she refused. I contacted the police with her number, about 30 minutes later an officer pulls up and my daughter and this mother walk over. The police officer questions her and she told him the molestation was a lie, but that I had really punched her in the face the night before. The officer pulls out his flashlight to look at her face, of course fully unharmed. He told her that her face looked fine and not much like anyone had punched her recently, and she after some arguing admitted she was lying and that she just didn't want to come home so she lied. This happened several times, different parents, one thought I had broken her arm, another that I bashed her head into the wall.

I never even spanked her... .I don't believe in hitting children.

We moved thinking it might help. It didn't. My daughter was caught coming in the window at 4 am, I just happened to move to the couch because I couldn't sleep. As far as I knew she was in bed asleep since I came home after everyone was in bed. I didn't yell or lecture, I just told her to get to bed and we would talk about it in the morning. When morning came she was gone.  Three nights I went not knowing where my baby was. I was a mess the entire neighborhood was looking for her. She texts my step daughter and told her she wanted to come home, she didn't. The next day she goes to _____ (a local grocery store) and asks them to call the ____house, here ____ are safe places for teens to go and have the ______house pick them up. ____house cant house a teen for more than 24 hours without the approval of a custodial parent, but they house runaways and provide them with counseling to get them back home, its actually a great place.  She gets there and they notice shes a little off, and she is taken to the er. She had taken Xanax, she was unable to stay awake, children services gets involved, and recommend I let her stay at ____house a few nights to get some help, before coming home, I allow it because all I want is my baby to get better.

She ran away from the house for runaways.

We didn't see her for 2 more days. She comes home, everything seems as okay as it can be. I go to work one morning and my smart home system is set off for a fire. I leave work rush home and fire marshals are in my home, I am not aloud in. She had a chore list that morning that literally consisted of water cat, and play with it for at least 30 minutes. She wrote burn house down on the bottom of the list.

Set the carpet on fire put it out with the fire hydrant, and egged the inside of our home. In what order I do not know.

I pressed charges, I had no insurance and had been begging for help and I wasn't getting it. I didn't know what to do. They took her. They put her in _______, a local institution, she told them she had been doing drugs so they transferred her to ______, a drug rehab facility, they took her off her meds, she admitted to them she wasn't actually on drugs, after a month she assaults an employee of the facility and shes kicked out.

We had a few family counseling sessions while she was there, always her screaming at me telling me that I am the reason things are bad, and that she hates me and that I was never a mother to her and she doesn't want to see me etc. 

They wouldn't let her come home, she needs 24 hour supervision and I cannot provide it. They put her in "Therapeutic" foster care. It has been a year now, shes been in 11 foster homes. Some follow directions some don't. I get to talk to her maybe once or twice every few months, as she often wants nothing to do with me, but then will decide she wants to get better and come home for a day or two before changing her mind.

I am so lost. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have completely lost my baby girl. I have not seen her since last Christmas.

I have barely talked to her. I have stopped telling people I have a child because I cant answer their questions. I have drowned myself in work, my mental health has taken a hit, and I just feel like all I can do is give up. She wants me to give up so that she can say I don't love her. Its not true... .I love her more than anything in this world, and I tell her that as often as I can.  Right now shes not on meds, and doesn't want to speak to me.

My heart is long broken.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Skip]

I AM SO LOST. I don't know what to do. I feel like I have completely lost my baby girl. I have not seen her since last Christmas. I have barely talked to her. I have stopped telling people I have a child because I cant answer their questions. I have drowned myself in work, my mental health has taken a hit, and I just feel like all I can do is give up.

This is a really heartbreaking story. Where is she now?

[Bright Day Mom]

Hello Paradoxhaze, Welcome to BPD Fam, I am sorry to meet under such strained circumstances.

I agree with Skip your story is heartbreaking.  If I understand correctly your D continues to reside "therapeutic foster home", right?  Can you imagine 11 homes in a year (poor girl).  This disorder is a tough one to combat, but there can be positive results.  Since your contact with your D is very limited best, are you in more regular contact with the staff foster home? able to get feedback / give input, etc?   Is not being on medication her choice or per psychiatrist?

I can't relate to the runaway part of your story, but much of the blaming, screaming, mood swings, etc I've lived thru.  My D 16 completed a 9 month residential program and has only been home 6 weeks tomorrow.  Our fractured family is on the mend; lots of family sessions, pain and tears, we put in the time as a unit and are beginning to see improvement in communication with the family as a whole. 

I know you may feel defeated and at times want to give up, we just need to encourage each other to continue one foot in front of the other.  Keep posting, sometimes just writing it helps and there are many people who have traveled similar paths to provide support.

[lbjnltx]

Hello Paradoxhaze,

I'm so sorry for the troubles you and your daughter have been through and the distance between you two.  These turbulent years are so very taxing on both of you.  Our girls can be so very lost in their emotional thinking that we can't even fathom what they are doing or why they do it. 

Finding help to reconnect and begin to understand one another is one pathway towards improvement for your relationship with your daughter.  Does the therapeutic foster care program provide a counselor to meet with your daughter?
To meet with both of you?  What alternatives might you have to foster care?

Please stay with us here as we do understand the pain and heartbreak that you are enduring. 

lbjnltx

[Paradoxhaze]

This is a really heartbreaking story. Where is she now?

Shes in a fosterhome somewhere in southeast ohio. They dont tell me where she is exactly.

[Paradoxhaze]

Since your contact with your D is very limited best, are you in more regular contact with the staff foster home? able to get feedback / give input, etc?   Is not being on medication her choice or per psychiatrist?

Im not given any contact I get no input and My daughter is choosing to not take her meds. No inpatient facilities will take her shes been denied from.everyone in the state

[Paradoxhaze]

Does the therapeutic foster care program provide a counselor to meet with your daughter?
To meet with both of you?  What alternatives might you have to foster care?

No family counceling they keep her too far from home. She is supposed to see someone but often refuses. When we did do family counceling it went nowhere and i had to see a psychologist everytime directly after because shed tear me apart.