residential treatment

[Partyof52004]

Hello,
My daughter is diagnosed with bipolar disorder with rapid cycling and she now exhibits traits of borderline personality disorder. She is spiraling out of control. Last week she tried to hurt herself with an epic pen and then threatened to stab me with it. I am her mother. The psychologist recommends residential therapy in a DBT program. She is non compliant with her current outpatient therapy, once a week. Some days thing are very "normal" and other days they are out of control. I am so torn as to what to do. She will hate us and never trust us again, if we send her away. If I don't send her, my biggest fear is that one morning I will go in her room to wake her up and she will have been successful at committing suicide. She has threatened before and cuts herself as a coping mechanism  Did my husband and I do this to our child? I feel such immense guilt at the thought of an inpatient program. She is 17 and a senior in HS at a performing arts HS. Her behavior has gotten progressively worse as she gets older. She started with these issues in the 6th grade. I am so tired after 6 long and difficult years. I love my child more than anything, however, right now I don't like her behavior very much. I am not sure what to do  
I feel defeated.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bright Day Mom]

Hello,

I can relate to your dilemma of residential treatment. We were in the same spot earlier this year.  After trying multiple rounds of hospitalization, Partial Hosp Program, Intensive outpatient program, in-home therapist and therapeutic school, residential was the only remaining option.  The cycle had continued long enough.  It truly broke my heart to move my D16 into a 9 month program - after all, I am her mom, what can they possibly do that we haven't already tried?   The answer in hindsight is simple, they are staffed 24/7 and are professionally trained with these types of disorders.  Our family feels the residential placement SAVED US!  Once our kids turn 18, we are no longer in the driver's seat in terms of care / treatment.  In our situation we had limited time to get her / us back on track.  So yes, your D may be pissed, but at least she will be alive!  Ultimately, all parents want to do what's best for our kids; sometimes it isn't the popular answer.

Good luck in whatever treatment you decide; hoping you all find relief and begin the heal.

[livednlearned]

Hi Partyof52004,

Hello  I wanted to join Bright Day Mom in welcoming you, and walk next to you as you try to figure out what is best for D17.

It is a very difficult realization that we don't have the training nor the skills to protect our kids from taking their own lives. There are many counterintuitive skills that take time to learn, and sometimes our own relationships can be triggering to our kids.

She will be angry with you if she stays at home, and angry if she goes away. If she is in treatment, you will have time to shore up strength and learn how to support what is a complicated and difficult set of behaviors, and become part of her healing.

Buddha and the Borderline is a book about one woman's recovery from BPD, and if your D17 is not receptive to reading it, perhaps it will be helpful for you. It made me think about the best way to support a BPD loved one, and how at the end of the day, their recovery is in their own hands. As a parent of a minor, you have a limited time to get her into treatment, and this may be a blessing in disguise that it happened now and not later.

Whatever you decide, we are here for you.

LnL

[473harman]

Hi Partyof52004
I too was reluctant to send my 16 yo daughter to an intensive inpatient. I waited, trying to manage with therapists, psychiatrists and school counseling. Her behavior continued to spiral even with therapy multiple times a week. We had lost control, yet I was terrified to send her away, and not sure if she would even agree. After a particularly troubling incident we basically had her on lockdown in the house and it was during that time she agreed to the unit. Most units require to speak to the child and require some sort of affirmation that the child wants to change. She willingly went, and while rather expensive, she learned many skills which she say saved her. However, she was not ready to come home, but ready to leave the intensive, so we then had to send her to therapeutic boarding school.

She initially hated it, and began self injuring again, which I was told (by both the former intensive facility and the school) was not that uncommon. As troubling as it was to know that she was so unhappy, I knew she was safe - under 24 hour care, with someone to watch her and speak to her at any time. Going to group counseling and participating in activities to help her heal. She is recently starting to come around, and has said that she knows she has to be there.

17 is a tough age, because after 18 you lose parental rights in most states. I hope you come to a decision that best serves your family and brings peace.

[SnowCat84]

I am facing the same thing right now.  My 14 yo daughter has been through so many different treatments including RTC twice.  I am so stressed and exhausted with no help at home.  Therapists are telling me that now is the time to send her to a long term facility.  The sooner the better.  Since she is still young there is hope that we can still effect her personality development.  Every time I start to research facilities, I just shut the computer and give up.  There are so many horror stories, and I feel like I am sending her because I am too tired to provide the stabilization she needs.  It feels so wrong to send her away because I am not capable.  How do I possibly choose the right place?  If anyone has positive stories about different places, I would love to hear them.  it is such a hard, hard choice that others in my family can't possibly understand.