Meltdowns

[bpdmom99]

Any advice on handling meltdowns with my 15 year old daughter? Last night she, once again, had a meltdown because she saw a pic on social media of her best friend hanging out with another friend of hers. (Neither who actually hang out with her anymore because all of her friendships have disintegrated).

The way that I normally handle these episodes is that I stay in the room with her, quietly sitting there and listening. When I feel the moment is right, I validate her for how she is feeling (ie "I can see how this is extremely hurtful to you", "that must feel so lonely", etc). I also try to remind her that her feelings will pass, and ask what else she can do in the moment to get through until the feelings pass besides cutting herself, hitting herself, etc.

If she gets violent towards me or throwing things, etc then I leave the room. Otherwise I sit in the space with her so that she knows she is not being abandoned.

Last night, after two hours of this, I couldn't take it anymore and broke down crying. It was just too much for my heart to endure any longer. That made her more upset and just turned her anger towards herself ("I am a horrible person for making you cry", "all I do is make everyone's life painful", "you would all be better off without me", etc).

Eventually, 3 hours later, she managed to calm down enough without incident that I could get her a prn and she fell asleep.

And now I am just waiting for her to wake up again so that we can get through another day of this. Her extreme feeling of emptiness, her loneliness, her feelings of hopelessness, her irritability and walking through the world as if she is an open nerve exposed to every source of pain and hurt.

My question is - is there some other way I could handle her meltdowns better to help her through them?  I feel like I am just surviving moment to moment along with her.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

BPDmom99, I'm so sorry your D15 feels so hurt and alone and empty. It really does pull your heart out to see this kind of suffering.

It sounds like you are doing everything by the book, validating her and being there to bear witness to her sadness.

I do not know what I would do differently, tho I remember reading in a book this summer (I believe it was I Hate You, Don't Leave Me) about advice to walk a fine line not emotionally arousing a loved one who is easily emotionally aroused.

I experienced this a few times with SO's D19 when I tried to validate her and she became more emotionally aroused followed by some big cognitive distortions. It happened, too, after the election. I was wanting to validate her feelings and somehow it hooked into a spell of much bigger feelings. In the book above that I mentioned, the author talks about validating and neutralizing (for lack of a better word) so that we do not end up inadvertently keeping them stuck on negative emotions. The advice was along the lines of distraction, limit exposure, remove the trigger, etc.

Maybe others have had some experience with this and can chime in too.

[Bright Day Mom]

BPDMom, you are doing great!

Meltdowns are difficult and it sounds like you are following all the right steps. The only thing that I do with my D16 is remove her.  Her meltdowns usually happen here at home so I take her out.  Sometimes we hit Starbucks we sit and talk and cool down.  Often times it's a ride in the car. We've also developed a "code word" where if she is out w/friends and needs out she texts me and I drop everything and get her, which alleviates a potential scene. 

[ArleighBurke]

I havn't had to deal with a child yet... .just a wife.

It does sound like you are doing everything "correct". Feel free to take a small break at any time if you need to. Say: "*I* need to take a small break. I will be back in 10mins". (Go to the toilet, grab a coffee, whatever).

The other thing i've read about (but havn't done) is matching their mood minus one. So if she is yelling, upset, and you are "quiet" then your mood doesn't match and she doesn't feel heard. I read it *can* be helpful for you to also "get annoyed". So raise your voice, be "outraged" - but just a little less intense than she is. This makes her feel "heard" and can help her come down.

[bpdmom99]

I was wanting to validate her feelings and somehow it hooked into a spell of much bigger feelings. In the book above that I mentioned, the author talks about validating and neutralizing (for lack of a better word) so that we do not end up inadvertently keeping them stuck on negative emotions. The advice was along the lines of distraction, limit exposure, remove the trigger, etc.

Maybe others have had some experience with this and can chime in too.

I too have experienced this. It does seem to be a fine line between validating her feelings ... .and making her feel like she has 'reasons' to have those strong feelings, and feel encouraged to keep on that road.  When really it's about getting off of the train of emotions as quickly as possible before it takes you somewhere you don't want to go.

[bpdmom99]

I havn't had to deal with a child yet... .just a wife.

The other thing i've read about (but havn't done) is matching their mood minus one. So if she is yelling, upset, and you are "quiet" then your mood doesn't match and she doesn't feel heard. I read it *can* be helpful for you to also "get annoyed". So raise your voice, be "outraged" - but just a little less intense than she is. This makes her feel "heard" and can help her come down.

I have never heard of the concept of "match their mood minus one."  I can see how my silence and intense listening can sometimes irritate her more.  I would love to see if anyone else has had experience with this idea before and if it 'works'.

[ArleighBurke]

RE: Match their mood minus one

I can't find the reference! I remember reading it in a published book. The specific example was where the BPD girl was almost in a car accident, and called her mom at work. The girl was hysterical, so mum "matched her mood" (raised her voice, "WOW are you all right!". Girl felt heard, then started calming down. I'll keep looking... .

Certainly when I've been talking with my (high functioning) BPDwife, a few times she has talked about something that has really annoyed her, then said "Why aren't YOU outraged?" - sometimes I "fake outrage" to match her, but I havn't done it enough to say whether it helps or not.

[livednlearned]

If you come home from work upset about seeing a terrible car accident and are very distraught, only to have your partner say, "That's nice," -- this can feel invalidating.

It's a similar dynamic for a BPD sufferer, who is experiencing intense emotions. If we are overly calm or placating, it can feel as though we are patronizing them, and the cycle of shame (feeling bad about feeling bad) continues.

I think it's in either Shari Manning's book or Valerie Porr's book where they talk about the importance of mirroring facial expressions or tone, an extension of validation.

The key for me is learning when to do this, and how much. Sometimes I have over validated SO's D19 and she starts to become dysregulated, and at that point some kind of distraction is needed.

[bpdmom99]

I think it's in either Shari Manning's book or Valerie Porr's book where they talk about the importance of mirroring facial expressions or tone, an extension of validation.

The key for me is learning when to do this, and how much. Sometimes I have over validated SO's D19 and she starts to become dysregulated, and at that point some kind of distraction is needed.

That does help.  I have worked so hard at keeping myself calm so as not to add on to her drama, that I think it is possible that I have over-corrected.  I will work at practicing a somewhere-in-between response.  And, knowing our lives, I am sure I will have many opportunities to practice this today alone!

This stuff sure isn't for the faint of heart ... .! 

Thanks for your help.

[HopeFullMom]

Newly diagnosed daughter, but your daughter's meltdown sounds so familiar.  All I want to say is I have only been at this a very short time and am already so emotionally drained and exhausted.  Seriously, this is the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through.  I am relieved to have found this message board and look forward to the support.

[livednlearned]

Seriously, this is the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through. 

I agree!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[bpdmom99]

Newly diagnosed daughter, but your daughter's meltdown sounds so familiar.  All I want to say is I have only been at this a very short time and am already so emotionally drained and exhausted.  Seriously, this is the hardest thing I think I've ever gone through.  I am relieved to have found this message board and look forward to the support.

I can completely relate.  Our journey only really started at the beginning of this year, so I am relatively new to this as well.  I have always believed that you can never change anyone else - you can only change/re-frame yourself.  So I have immersed myself in reading and trying to understand my daughter and what she is going through.  I am exhausted.  This is one of the hardest things I have ever had to go through.  Nothing more to add, other than I share in your exhaustion.  I have been intellectualizing my daughter and her illness in order to do what I can to help her get the help she needs - but all I want to do is hug her and love her.  I hear you ... .

[InIndia]

Hearing the love you're all expressing really blows me away right now... .There's been times I'm able to be there, but my whole life my default mode have been emotional self-protection. I know I really have to get out of that if I want to "match emotion" enough for my D19 to feel understood by me (and thus be helped in understanding herself). I'm curious if others are dealing with this, and it seems to me the solution is self-care, but for me right now it's been my attempts at self-care that are further alienating my D19 because she senses it as me not wanting or being able to be with her so much (which is true). There's something about self-care/boundaries toward more joy in life for me that she would sense as more connection and love, rather than self-protection, fear-driven self-care. I'm curious to hear others' experience here.  Feeling a bit stuck. Maybe this should've been a new post instead of a reply here... .Anyway, I'll see.  Thanks

[bpdmom99]

... .it seems to me the solution is self-care, but for me right now it's been my attempts at self-care that are further alienating my D19 because she senses it as me not wanting or being able to be with her so much (which is true). There's something about self-care/boundaries toward more joy in life for me that she would sense as more connection and love, rather than self-protection, fear-driven self-care. I'm curious to hear others' experience here.  Feeling a bit stuck. Maybe this should've been a new post instead of a reply here... .Anyway, I'll see.  Thanks

I think the topic of self-care is huge!  I am going to post it as a new topic ... .feel free to chime in.  I need help with that too.

[SeekingSusan]

I am so glad to have read this post - I too will try to use these methods