aaaand the campaign has started

[soundofmusicgirl]

Every freaking visit of my stepsons is prefaced with a hate campgain by BPDmom.

Every visit she will tell them some kind of horror story so that they will mention how they don´t want to come to our house.

Last year for christmas she told them that if they came to our house for the second part of their christmas vacation (starting Dec 26th) they would not get christmas gifts from her. Understandibly the kids panicked and said they don´t want to come to our house. Then she told them that they will only get a few gifts as she has no money due to their trip to our home (we explained the kids that no need to worry about money, we have paid for all tickets).

Summer visit this year we visited my mother in law. BPDmom told my stepsons that lots of kids get stolen from the little town in OR my mother in law lives in. Summer visit last year she told them that the beach is dangerous (we used to live close to beautiful beaches) and that they will get seasick on a boat (we wanted to do a little dolphin harbour tour with them as they love all ocean life).

We moved overseas a little while ago to the country the boys were born in. BPDmom of course does not want the kids to come. It has been a big drama. We booked the tickets according to court order.
Yesterday one of my stepsons tells us: I don´t want to come to your house because the flight is soo long.

Yes, the flight is long, but we chose a non-stop flight so they don´t have to switch planes. The boys also have no understanding of time yet (they are 10 yrs old) so 15 min seems long to him. Of course we also did not share with him any details of the trip and therefore it is pretty clear that BPDmom has already told him about the "horrible long flight" and will probably follow it up with other horror stories about the country we live in. I am sure that by the time they will get here, they will actually have enjoyed having been able to watch movies non-stop on board of the flight and have the gaming console as part of the onboard entertainment system.

Our response to SS was: we understand.
And we will not mention it any further as we know that once he gets here all of those things that BPDmom tells him will be forgotten over the excitement of being here.

Also something that really bugs / concerns me: the other SS told us yesterday that they will now have a vegetarian Thanksgiving as he feels so sorry for all the animals. It worries me, because they are behind on weight and height and they both have some real issues with food. They eat a handful of foods and they don`t really eat any cooked meals. They did eat chicken, pork and beef and that was their one source of protein. And if BPDmom now starts on the vegetarian trip with them I am not sure where and how they will get their proteins.
My DH says he believes that the vegetarian idea is due to BPDxw running out of money as child support is currently dramatically reduced.

[catclaw]

Hey soundofmusicgirl!

That sounds familiar. We've heard similar horror stories from SS9. When he moved in with us and SS started going to school with some other kids, she would show him youtube videos of child abductions. What really stuck with him was the "fact" his mother told him, that there's only one trained dog to search for the dead children's bodies and said dog retired the year SS moved in with us Oo SS was afraid of a certain car that was "following" him to school. Turns out, it was just a random person who worked in a building nearby.

Regarding the flight situation, we  also had something similar happen just this year. We took SS on vacation to another country (sunshine, beaches and 2,5 hours of flight). On our way there he freaked out because of the "deadly sandstorms" on the coast we were going to. On our flight back, he got a legit panic attack, shaking, sweating and silently crying, refusing to be touched or spoken to. DH distracted him with a movie. When he was back at his normal, he told Dh that his mother told him that the airline we were taking has the most plane crashes. And that the year before, the plane that started right after us, would hit a mountain on purpose. There has been an incident  that fits the descriptions, but the way SS was told about this was in no way appropriate.

Oh, and the thing with ghosts and "evil entities". You need to know that they are everywhere and the ONLY (!) safe place to not get caught is... .you guess... .mom's bed *rollseyes*

You did everything right and you really go great lenghts to accomodate your little ones and that's amazing. Are there any way to make it more comfortable for them? Like, I imagine my SS being a lot calmer when we explained every step individually ("you go to the baggage drop off with your mom, the lady will ask for your passports, then you put your baggage on the scale... .". I learned that there will no way to ever be prepared for what comes next. If BPDm wants to wreak havoc, she will find a way. We try to stay calm and logically explain SS what is going on and try to not get emotional. It helps. SS starts to question the stories his mom tells him and eventually forgets about them.

About the vegetarian thing, I am a vegetarian myself and I can't imagine that it is for financial reasons. The veggie lifestyle can be more expensive if you take advantage of foods that substitute the proteins in meat. I mean, if the BPDx in your case is someone who sticks to this and takes this seriously. Do the boys get lunch at school? If so, no need to worry They get their proteins.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Catclaw - even after having been around this circus for 4 yrs I still sometimes catch myself thinking: how can a mother instill such fears in their child, when a mothers role is to comfort and to strengthen the child? Especially children who are already riddled with anxieties due to their upbringing? Even though I have studied many books and resources about BPD my heart still struggles to understand how a mother can do so much damage to her own children!

Yes, we also thought about describing the details of the flights with the children. Most of the time though BPDmom already told them some horror stories and it puts us in the situation of "mom said vs dad said". We have also bought them lots of little games, mad lips books, coloring books etc to keep themselves entertained on the flights. Unfortunately those things usually quickly disappear out of their possessions.

Maybe I will go and research what movies they will be showing onboard for that flight and them get them excited about that. Usually we try just to not make a big fuss about the flights.

[catclaw]

I know exactly what you mean. I chose to work in mental health care (i must be a special kind of masochistic) and had psychopathology as my main focus during university, yet I'm not any wiser. I understand what's written in the books, yet somehow my mind doesn't understand the why. I guess one must expierience it to get it and that's not what i would want.

About the "mom said vs. Dad said", i mean, they are presented with this every day of their life. They are still too young to see which truth is closer to the presented facts. But they will definitely see what is going on once they are in the situation. You present them with facts and mom with crazy conspiracies. When they are at it, they will see how everything  works and  this is a huge plus for you. I mean, what is the alternative? You leave them with mom's version of events and they will have no other measurement than hers to make a realistic estimation of everyday life. And it's based on fear, mistrust and hard feelings. I personally feel it's better to give my little one an alternstive he's comfortable with - after he took his time to weigh in the facts.

Our kids are having a hard time building and keeping up a value system, as the views they are presented with are so contradictive. I find it imporant to stick to my values (without painting BPDm black of course and not mentioning her in my explanations, always explaining how i would do things but how everybody's entitled to their own opinion). And if it's just to not go down in this madness.

If you don't usually make a big fuss about the flights, maybe this could be another strategy. Behaving in a predictable way. Sticking to the schedule and communicate it with them and have them ask about insecurities. If this is how things always were, maybe it gives them more security like this.

[DreamGirl]

It's frustrating when the other parent is constantly not trying to facilitate the relationship.

I like the "we understand" approach. Validation is a really helpful tool when it comes to this.

Is this the first time they've had to be on this kind of flight - for this length of time?

[soundofmusicgirl]

DreamGirl... .even the judge pointed out that my DHs BPDxw is more interested in making him jump through hoops then fostering a relationship between him and his children.

It's not the first time my SSs have been on a flight. They have flown from west to east coast several times. They have also flown overseas before (several years ago so they might not remember much). Our observation was, when we flew with them this summer (not overseas but from state to state) that they are doing fine. The one on the ASD spectrum was handling things really well. We had a bumpy flight and he did not even twitch. For most of the flight he just curled up in his seat and slept (oh to be so small again that you can actually curl up in those tiny seats:)). Both knew how to buckle their seat belt, how to behave during start and landing and how to use the on board toilet. The only distress we witnessed was that the boys told us mom had shared with them that they will be stolen by strangers out of the airplane. We remedied that by asking the flight attendants to speak to the boys and told them their concern. The flight attendants were fabulous and on one flight they even arranged for the boys to sit in the cockpit for 15 min and have a meeting with the co-pilot and learn about the different instruments in the cockpit.

I am therefore confident that the boys will do fine on this longer flight. Especially since they love watching movies and love playing games on the entertainment console. It is just the BPDmom once again trying to make this as horrible as possible for the boys.

[soundofmusicgirl]

 I should also mention:
BPDxw will be flying with the boys. It has been a constant source of dispute between her and DH. BPDxw runs around town trying to find professionals that will certify the boys can't fly as unaccompanied minors without her presence (not even DH is capable according to her).  So far she had no luck. Court order says that she has to pay for her flight once a year if she accompanies them. Since this is the first overseas flight since we moved of course the prices are higher then travelling within the US. So our guess is, that BPDxw just does not want to spend the money for her ticket (but of course also says that she will not let the boys fly with anyone else) and that she simply does not want to deal with travelling.

[DreamGirl]

Ok, I have an ADHD son who is now 20 and I can not imagine having sent him on a flight by himself when he was 10. I'd have been the overprotective freak show too. My other son, I'd have sent him alone when he was 6.  

The girls mom won't let my SD14 walk home alone from school. Ever. She sends me articles EVERY time there is a creep alert. She sends me links to who in our neighborhood is a registered sex offender. (I looked in her neighborhood and it's worse, but that's not of my business ). The issue is that the transportation is mostly my husband's problem because the kids go to our house everyday afterschool (their school is in our neighborhood) and there is no bus. We all work. So it's easy to say "she can't walk!" when you don't have to figure out transportation. So he said "OK, she can't walk. On my days I'll find her transportation, on yours --- you'll have to figure it out." And suddenly she found compromise in that she could walk if there were a minimum of 4 girls walking with her (not 2 or 3 girls. FOUR) and if she called once she walked in the house.  

I think you're kinda doing the same thing. "It's OK that you don't feel comfortable with the boys flying alone, I respect that. I believe that it's fine." And if her solution is to fly with them, then she must feel pretty strongly. I'd probably have done something as crazy - just whined a lot less (or would never have tried to prevent him from seeing his father).

I think it's good to know that a lot of times these feelings are pretty normal, it's the overreactions using the BPD toolbox to soothe feelings that has us so frustrated.

So you pay for the boys' flights and she pays for her own?

[ForeverDad]

So BPDxw will fly with the boys and at her own expense?  Is she aware she has to find her own place to stay during her time there?  Is she aware she (probably) gets only as much contact with the children as DH gets with them when they are with her?  I do have concerns she will find ways to intrude on your time with the kids.

[livednlearned]

How is communication handled over these kinds of issues?

Do you communicate directly with BPD mom? Or is it usually DH?

By phone or email?

There may be some small tweaks you and DH can do together to dial down BPD mom's catastrophizing, so she lets up on her stuff with the boys a little. A lot depends on your dynamics with DH, and his dynamics with her.

She probably is freaked out about the cost, and she's also probably fearful about sending her boys by plane. People with BPD don't do stress very well, and these are both relatively stressful events. People with BPD also tend to have a super deep sense of inadequacy, and it can make your life easier if she sees herself as competent through your eyes.

It's hard to get centered when every button is being pushed   and I understand this can be hard. Not to mention you are the stepparent, and if you don't have a direct relationship with BPD mom, everything has to go through your husband and he may respond in ways that don't line up with your own views on how to dial things down a notch.

In my stepparent dynamic, there is also a uBPD D19, so the stress and anxiety hops like wildfire from BPD mom to child. In the past, SO would jump into fixer/rescuer role and the whole thing would go from bad to worse without any outside perspective to slow things down.

My circumstances are a little different because the biggest challenge was managing uBPD D19's responses to her mom, but maybe the same strategies can work with your situation. Validation works fairly well with uBPD D19, especially validating questions. Her mom was beside herself about D19 driving 5 hours through pretty heavy city traffic in several towns by herself, so validating her fears and anxieties about that, as well as thinking through what some of her concerns were, and getting her to think about what she might do to solve those problems made her feel competent. It's honestly like working with a toddler on basic skills, congratulating her when she does something autonomously. I would prompt her to think about all kinds of things, like what she might do if she got in a long traffic jam, what she would do if she got a flat tire, what she would do if she got lost, what she would do if her phone stopped working, how to read maps, all the things we take for granted when problem-solving is not such a big challenge.

Maybe the same would work, if not with BPD mom, then with the kids when you help them make sense of the fear they probably carry around flying. Their mom has likely instilled anxiety about all kinds of things, and having faith that they could solve problems will help build emotional resilience, which they will desperately need.

[soundofmusicgirl]

Thank you everyone for your helpful advice and listening ear.

@ForeverDad. Yes, BPDxw will have to reeimburse my DH for her flight (is what the court order says). She usually always complains about having no money, but then this summer she booked herself on all the same flights that my husband told her he and the boys were flying on. Also when she flies the kids to us, she rents herself a car and finds a hotel or some place to stay. She boasts with having friends all over the world but we are questioning that Especially if you would truly have no money, you would ask "one of your many friends" to pick you up from the airport Quit frankly, I don't care what she does while the boys are with us. BPDxw makes a point that she is the only one that is qualified to fly with her children (not even DH or me are "qualified and capable".
Our lawyer pointed out rightly, that we cannot stop her from booking her own flights when she feels like she has to be the one accompanying the boys, but I just don't think that we need to pay for it. We gave her the choice again for this christmas. She immediatley replied that she will be the only one flying with them. It's her choice. And she can't have it all. Either she will allow my DH to make a decision who flys with the children and then he pays, or she insists on flying with them and then she gets to pay.

@livednlearned
Heavens no... I do not communicate with BPDxw. That is all my DH. And only by email. We need everything in writing.
I am 1000000% sure that it is actually BPDxw that is freaking out about the flights and not the kids. She has some intense control issues and a flight is something "unpredictable"... or travelling in general is. My DH told me that she and her never travelled together when they had kids. And the few times they did, she started packing a week in advance. Since BPDxw always sends the same old clothes that are way too small for the boys when they come to visit us, I am pretty sure that she has one bag where she just keeps the "visit Dad clothes" in and does not bother changing it out or packing for the seasons.

Last night we got to skype with both of the boys. We showed them the new cute christmas ad from London Heathrow airport (go and google it ). It is super cute and shares all the steps you do when flying somewhere. Then we asked the boys again about the different steps and wether they know that to do. They had absolutely no problem and knew it all. We asked them what they are looking forward most to doing on the plane and both of them said: watching movies and coloring. There was absolutely no anxiety in their voices or any sign of distress. I am beating up myself that I did not think to record that skype call. We will most likely though address the topic again over the next few calls, so hopefully then I will not forget