My girlfriend's mother has BPD and it is causing us heartache

[Myfiancesmom]

Hello,

    I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend coming on two years now. We are secretly engaged because if her mother knew she would flip out. She has severe BPD and is extremely emotionally and mentally abusive to my fiancee and has been her whole life. My fiancee is 23 and her mother is 63 and is causing us to fight constantly. My fiancée's father has dementia and has no idea what's going on half the time. Her mother has no boundaries and has on multiple occasions had a lot of everclear with her meds causing her to be extra abusive. I don't know how to help my fiancee get out of this, situation without losing her mother. She is enlisted to go in the air force in January and I am afraid her mother is going to do everything in her power to keep her from going. I don't know what to do, I moved out to Colorado to be with her and therefore have no family or support system to help her or myself. Please help me figure out what to do because I don't want to lose her because she can't break away from the abuse.

[Turkish]

What kind of abuse, specifically, is happening?  It sounds like you have a real concern that your fiancé might skip enlisting.  Is it possible at this point given the paperwork she's signed?  Is her core concern the feeling of abandoning her mother? My mother had a breakdown when I left her home at 18, but her target was herself,  and she was much younger at 49. Dealing with dementia also would be much harder.  The substance abuse adds another layer.  I gag on tequila.  I can't imagine Everclear. 

[Panda39]

Hi Myfiancesmom

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm sorry your girlfriend's mom is causing trouble between you and your girlfriend.  It sounds like you've walked into something here that the two of them have been doing for years.  Because they have been doing this dance for years your girlfriend may not know another way right now, but if she's open she certainly can learn some new tools for dealing with her mom. I do want to say here that it is up to her if she wants to make changes in the relationship with her mom.  We can only change ourselves we can't change other people... .you can provide her with information or you can even direct her here if she's interested but you will not be able to make her or her mother behave differently that will be up to them.

I think the best way for you to get started is to learn about BPD we have a lot of information on our website so I'll pull some things that I see in your post to get you started.

I hear several things going on, I hear enmeshment of your girlfriend with her mom.  Here is a link to more information on enmeshment https://bpdfamily.com/content/was-part-your-childhood-deprived-emotional-incest

I hear emotional blackmail... .we call it FOG (Fear, Obligation, Guilt) Here is a link for more information on FOG https://bpdfamily.com/content/emotional-blackmail-fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog

You may also be stepping into a Triangle with the two of them that is not a healthy dynamic and you will want to try avoid being a part of the triangle if you can. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=108440.0

Beyond the links I've provided please see the box to the right -> each item is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" section.

It's great that you are reaching out on behalf of your girlfriend it's obvious that she means a great deal to you.

I would be interested to hear about what you think after reading some of the material on our site.

Take Care,
Panda39