Dancing around the issue - just starting to learn about my hubby

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

My hubby of 5 years has BPD (either undiagnosed or traits of it) and his anger and black and white thinking are the two biggest issues.  They are the basis for a recent custody battle with my ex, where my ex and children (13 and 15) accused my hubby of verbal and physical abuse.  We went through a year of court and visits with DYFS, and we were cleared of all abuse, but there is still a horrible rift in my family.
My hubby, who is guilty of fits of rage and demanding/controlling behavior, made a few visits to a therapist to get help, then decided he doesn't really need help, that he is just who he is and will never change.  I agreed to let my kids live with my ex, because my hubby harbors a hatred for them (they are all bad to him now) and since he hasn't worked to change this, I believe if he and my kids were together, he would be very mean towards them, and that they shouldn't have to endure it.  He has repeatedly announced that he will never allow my kids back into his house (which is really my house btw).  I have pushed for a compromise, going back to therapy, and for forgiveness.  These are things he is unable to do.
My kids are afraid to see my hubby again.  They don't understand his outbursts and controlling/demanding behavior, and with the influence of my ex, have decided my hubby is all bad (maybe they are BPD too? haha).  I think they just have a fear of the unpredictability of his moods, and his extreme issues with rage.
So here is where I am.  I have been in counseling for over two years to be able to cope with the custody battle and my hubby.  At first, when the counselor explained to me what BPD was and gave me some reading materials, I was sure that I was leaving him.  I have a very strong desire to be a mother and to see my children more and being with my hubby impacts that.  Plus, I am very tired of the constant swings.  The more I read though, the less I blame him and the more I see this as a disorder.  I do feel he should be doing more to improve himself if I am to stay, but although he agrees there is something going on inside him, he is unwilling to do anything about it.  Bringing up my kids, a compromise, going to therapy are all big triggers that start him off on anger, threats, and insults towards me.  I find myself conflicted because I am also a strong believer in marriage bonds, and if this is something that he cannot control, than leaving is breaking the marriage.  If he can do more to control it, but won't than there really isn't a marriage.  Will I ever be able to resolve this issue with him?  If I stay, does that mean I have to accept that this issue will stay unresolved?
Phew - it helps to write this out.  I hate that I feel like I have to chose one side or the other.  I hope I wasn't too all over the place, there just seems like so much is going on.

[zomimom]

My hubby of 5 years has BPD (either undiagnosed or traits of it) and his anger and black and white thinking are the two biggest issues.  They are the basis for a recent custody battle with my ex, where my ex and children (13 and 15) accused my hubby of verbal and physical abuse.  We went through a year of court and visits with DYFS, and we were cleared of all abuse, but there is still a horrible rift in my family.
My hubby, who is guilty of fits of rage and demanding/controlling behavior, made a few visits to a therapist to get help, then decided he doesn't really need help, that he is just who he is and will never change.  I agreed to let my kids live with my ex, because my hubby harbors a hatred for them (they are all bad to him now) and since he hasn't worked to change this, I believe if he and my kids were together, he would be very mean towards them, and that they shouldn't have to endure it.  He has repeatedly announced that he will never allow my kids back into his house (which is really my house btw).  I have pushed for a compromise, going back to therapy, and for forgiveness.  These are things he is unable to do.
My kids are afraid to see my hubby again.  They don't understand his outbursts and controlling/demanding behavior, and with the influence of my ex, have decided my hubby is all bad (maybe they are BPD too? haha).  I think they just have a fear of the unpredictability of his moods, and his extreme issues with rage.
So here is where I am.  I have been in counseling for over two years to be able to cope with the custody battle and my hubby.  At first, when the counselor explained to me what BPD was and gave me some reading materials, I was sure that I was leaving him.  I have a very strong desire to be a mother and to see my children more and being with my hubby impacts that.  Plus, I am very tired of the constant swings.  The more I read though, the less I blame him and the more I see this as a disorder.  I do feel he should be doing more to improve himself if I am to stay, but although he agrees there is something going on inside him, he is unwilling to do anything about it.  Bringing up my kids, a compromise, going to therapy are all big triggers that start him off on anger, threats, and insults towards me.  I find myself conflicted because I am also a strong believer in marriage bonds, and if this is something that he cannot control, than leaving is breaking the marriage.  If he can do more to control it, but won't than there really isn't a marriage.  Will I ever be able to resolve this issue with him?  If I stay, does that mean I have to accept that this issue will stay unresolved?
Phew - it helps to write this out.  I hate that I feel like I have to chose one side or the other.  I hope I wasn't too all over the place, there just seems like so much is going on.

[ArleighBurke]

I think people don't "have" BPD. I think BPD is a word to describe their particular style of brain operation. Like "passionate" or "dedicated". I think BPD means "extremely emotional beyond their own control". If this is something that your hubby cannot control, that is unfortunate, but that is "him". I guess you need to either accept "all of him", or not. And I don't think anyone on this site would blame you for leaving. (I'm sure wedding vows are "until death do we part, or until you are diagnosed with BPD"

How much learning have you done on BPD? There are many skills you can learn that can make life easier. These are skills you can also teach to your kids - which may allow them to "manage him" and hence be OK to be around him. I have found learning these skills to help me in many other relationships (not just with my BPDwife).

Often, with a BPD, they have so many large conflicting emotions they cannot find a solution themselves. Sometimes, it takes you to "put your foot down" and dictate what happens, for them to be able to see that they can cope. This may come in time... .

[zomimom]

I have just started learning about BPD.  I've read "I hate you, don't leave me" at the suggestion of my therapist, which I thought was a little difficult to grasp.  I'm reading "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which I'm finding is much easier to understand and giving me good perspective.  You mentioned I could learn some skills - where should I go to find these?  I'm also just getting into this site, and it seems there is a wealth of information here.  It helps just to talk about it freely here.  I'm afraid to talk too much with friends and family, because I'm afraid his behavior (and him as a person) will be judged harshly.

[Philingood2]

"I find myself conflicted because I am also a strong believer in marriage bonds, and if this is something that he cannot control, than leaving is breaking the marriage.  If he can do more to control it, but won't than there really isn't a marriage."

I can relate... .One question that I've been wrestling with is the legitimacy of my marriage, given that much of what I thought was a genuine connection was in reality based on the idealization phase. Like you. My values tell me that the marriage bond is important and should be salvaged, if at all possible, but what if the person that you took those vows with never really existed? I'm not really sure how one reconciles values and reality in a situation like this.

[ArleighBurke]

You mentioned I could learn some skills - where should I go to find these? 

Start here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0

Try Validation first... .

[zomimom]

@Philingood2 - I'm sorry for the situation you're in, but at the same time, it feels good to know I'm not the only one who is struggling with this.

@ArleighBurke - Thank you!  I've jumped right into that wealth of information.