I'm still trying to fix things...sigh...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I think, due to my own disability of being on the autism spectrum, that I tolerate a wide range of human behavior, and that has been what has gotten me in trouble with hooking up with BPD spouses.

I don't know that I'm as much frustrated as I am sad. Now when he makes a mess in the house after I've cleaned it, I'm definitely frustrated and pissed.  

You sound more upset with yourself than you deserve about it.

  Feeling frustrated and pissed about what he did there is completely healthy and normal on your part. Don't try to talk yourself out of those feelings or hide from them with games.

Working on letting yourself feel these things (without needing to act) can be pretty powerful. Just giving yourself a minute to feel without acting can be a powerful, and also very difficult thing.

  Living with his poor behavior is part of the choice you made to stay. You have impressively good tools to cope with it. You are patient and tolerant of a lot of things. These are also good and strong characteristics of you.

I suspect that your tolerance is why you stay in these relationships, not why you get into them. Your choices for today seem to be pushing you toward making it work better in place, rather than looking at how to choose somebody healthier for a r/s in the future.

  And yes, coping better is a work in progress for you, and you are still learning to do things you "already know" better. It is hard. And it always seems like there is another layer to the onion.

[Grey Kitty]

I think, due to my own disability of being on the autism spectrum, that I tolerate a wide range of human behavior, and that has been what has gotten me in trouble with hooking up with BPD spouses.

I don't know that I'm as much frustrated as I am sad. Now when he makes a mess in the house after I've cleaned it, I'm definitely frustrated and pissed.  

You sound more upset with yourself than you deserve about it.

  Feeling frustrated and pissed about what he did there is completely healthy and normal on your part. Don't try to talk yourself out of those feelings or hide from them with games.

Working on letting yourself feel these things (without needing to act) can be pretty powerful. Just giving yourself a minute to feel without acting can be a powerful, and also very difficult thing.

  Living with his poor behavior is part of the choice you made to stay. You have impressively good tools to cope with it. You are patient and tolerant of a lot of things. These are also good and strong characteristics of you.

I suspect that your tolerance is why you stay in these relationships, not why you get into them. Your choices for today seem to be pushing you toward making it work better in place, rather than looking at how to choose somebody healthier for a r/s in the future.

  And yes, coping better is a work in progress for you, and you are still learning to do things you "already know" better. It is hard. And it always seems like there is another layer to the onion.

[lovenature]

If I can't be me, what's the point of being in a relationship?

Hey Cat, I think you gave yourself the best question to answer, and you know the answer is that in a HEALTHY relationship BOTH partners can be who they are and accepted for it.

PWBPD have very low self esteem and extreme fear of abandonment; they take any opportunity to be the better person (partner), doesn't matter if it is realistic or not.

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, FF, Grey Kitty and lovenature. I feel like I'm on the verge of a profound shift in acceptance--of both me and my husband.

FF, regarding being direct, I realize that: 1. I was blamed and shamed by my mother for being direct, particularly when it regarded her    2. Because I didn't pick up on certain social cues, like other children would, I would say what I thought and felt and then I'd get an unexpected (and often unpleasant) response.

I've spent my adulthood studiously trying to learn how to be socially appropriate and I do well most of the time, with occasional missteps. My psychologist said that she wouldn't have diagnosed me as Asperger's (although my friend, who is a disabled student's counselor did), so I've rather successfully passed. When I presented my T with some written material about how differently Asperger's presents in women and I highlighted all that applied to me, both in the past and currently, she looked at the papers and said, "Wow! Lot of yellow here," which I found very humorous.

So, the upside is that I cannot be other than I am--just not in my nature. However, I've second-guessed myself so much, trying to walk on eggshells around all the ever-present pwBPD in my life. I don't want to make things worse, but it's a fine line between saying something unnecessary--like mentioning the highball glass I found by the sink this morning, reeking of alcohol, containing a soggy Buddhist text and a cloth eyeglass wipe. (Without censoring myself, I would be prone to ask, "What the f* is this?"

That is quite different than asking for help, like I did yesterday, with cleaning out the pH water filter in the basement. And he seemed to enjoy helping! Who knew?

[Cat Familiar]

You sound more upset with yourself than you deserve about it.

You got that right, Grey Kitty. Thank you for your kind words. All my life people have told me that I was wrong to feel the way I do and did. Because I instinctively knew that I was different in some way, I've given their opinion more credence than I needed to. I had no lodestar of what was the appropriate response, and being surrounded all my life by borderline personalities, who wanted to manipulate me to accommodate to them, it was all very confusing.

I must give my current husband credit--he really does a good job accepting me most of the time. I guess my current state of mind is twofold: I came here to BPD Family, feeling incredibly duped and angry. I, like so many here, felt like I fell in love with one person and that person disappeared and now I was stuck with a disagreeable individual and I wanted the guy I loved to come back.

And secondly, I now have learned so much about the disorder, about me and how I triggered behavior I didn't want, and most importantly about strategies for making things better between us. I'm incredibly grateful to all you brave and honest people here who share so fully from your heartfelt experience. I've learned a lot. And yes, it is indeed like peeling an onion--there's always another layer to contend with.

[Cat Familiar]

Hey Cat, I think you gave yourself the best question to answer, and you know the answer is that in a HEALTHY relationship BOTH partners can be who they are and accepted for it.


Yes, lovenature, you're right. Acceptance is at the heart of any successful relationship. And that is what I had been fighting so hard not to do. I just didn't want to accept that he wasn't 100% the wonderful guy I fell in love with, that he either is an alcoholic or abuses alcohol on a regular basis--though it's not as bad as it was some time ago, but I realize it's not my struggle.

Because he has been so successful in his career, though he doesn't acknowledge it, I've mistakenly assumed that he has more self-esteem than he does, and it surprises me how self-doubting he is.

I've done a lot of things--started a business that I ran for fifteen years, was a reporter, made ends meet by buying and selling things. I was so poor at times that I had to learn how to fix things and make do. I didn't realize that all these experiences would make me incredibly self-reliant and confident of my abilities in the physical world. Now socially, like going to parties with people I don't know--that's an entirely different thing. However, I just start "interviewing" people like I did when I was a reporter and I can endure a party and even have some fun.

But my husband on the outside, seems like the total package: smart, good looking, great social presence. What I didn't realize is that it's all an act--he's like an insecure little kid on the inside with so little confidence it's shocking.

[Grey Kitty]

I don't want to make things worse, but it's a fine line between saying something unnecessary--like mentioning the highball glass I found by the sink this morning, reeking of alcohol, containing a soggy Buddhist text and a cloth eyeglass wipe. (Without censoring myself, I would be prone to ask, "What the f* is this?"

FYI, I think that would be a reasonable response ... .
... .unless you knew your H was a pwBPD... .
... .unless you already knew your H did weird crap like that semi-regularly, making it a predictable/expected WTF moment, rather than something out of the blue.  

So yeah, keeping your mouth shut was the right choice.

I realize that: 1. I was blamed and shamed by my mother for being direct, particularly when it regarded her    2. Because I didn't pick up on certain social cues, like other children would, I would say what I thought and felt and then I'd get an unexpected (and often unpleasant) response.

My knowledge of Asperger's hardly goes beyond watching Rainman... .so I won't comment on whether that applies to you or not   But I can relate to what you are feeling about social cues, etc. in ways that have nothing to do with Asperger's.

My parents are both socially awkward/shy. My dad is just quiet, especially around my mom. My mom is actually pretty easy to talk to, and people seem to like her. But I know that she's horribly nervous about saying/doing the wrong thing, or missing social cues. As a kid, I was really bad that way in person, 'tho I connected well with people online in ancient proto-internet days. Perhaps 'cuz the few people online then were mostly social misfits too; I dunno. [Today I'm pretty good in person, but I am still very socially comfortable online!]

Just as I was starting to come out of my shell, and realize toward the end of my college days that there was room for a geeky guy to have a social life too, and not just online, even think about dating, my wife-to-be kinda pounced on me... .and a bit of FOG, gasligthing, and manipulation started to really mess with my sense of myself.

Many times, my wife (or her FOO) would get upset about something I said. I was told that I was being insensitive or inappropriate or something. I started to believe that I was just clueless about how feelings worked for other people, and that my wife was helping me when I was being corrected. I thought I was very low EQ, and my wife was high EQ. (Without ever hearing the phrase emotional intelligence)

I spent 20 years like that, and since somehow, my wife kept getting triggered at me, was convinced that I just sucked, and would never learn.    

Then the abuse escalated to the point I *had* to get help and support, and I realized that the game I'd been losing more and more over 20 years was rigged from the start.

After I'd healed a bit, I realized that I do have much higher EQ than I believed. Might have all along, 'tho I do believe I'm much better than I was 20 years ago.

Your FOO, and two husbands both rigged the game to make every social cue you reacted or responded to "wrong" and blame you for it. You should feel uncomfortable and confused after that. Whether you have Asperger's or not!

[lovenature]

But my husband on the outside, seems like the total package: smart, good looking, great social presence. What I didn't realize is that it's all an act--he's like an insecure little kid on the inside with so little confidence it's shocking.

Hey Cat, PWBPD can appear very confident and charismatic due to mirroring others; it works for them until, as you know, they get too close to someone (romantic partner in particular), then you see the lack of sense of self in them, the low self esteem, the childish behaviour. Remember that BPD is a serious mental illness, and only years of therapy can manage (not fix) their behaviour.

[formflier]

So yeah, keeping your mouth shut was the right choice.

 

On the "good, better, best scale... .I would vote for going a bit beyond this. 

I agree... ."WTF" is appropriate for nons... but would be counterproductive.

":)irect but non-judgmental" is likely the best way to go about it.

"Hey... .can you grab those dishes in there and bring them in.  I'm getting ready to load the dishwasher."

Remember... there are two battlegrounds here.  There is a result that you are after (no more nasty cup) but there is an added battleground of his feelings.

I think you still need to consider his feelings... .BUT... .focus first on getting your result and try to go about it in a good way.

Have you ever tried... ."It would mean a lot to me if... ."

Perhaps short and direct is best... ."Please put your glass in the dishwasher"

What do you think he would react best to?

FF

[Notwendy]

Cat, I've mentioned before that we might be married to the same guy. My H is also the total package in non personal situations. The relationship issues felt like they came out of the blue. I found that trying to get "too close" into his feelings didn't go very well. I think this "total package" depends on some emotional distance. Your H knows you know him better than anyone else. I think this is hard for him as he wants to be seen as the total package by you.

It was hard to not take this personally- to think - you are great for everyone but me. I know that I have resented this situation. My H has accused me of that " you talk nicely to everyone but me". I don't know if this is true or just a reflection of having walked on eggshells.

Your H is high functioning- which is a benefit, but it takes a lot of energy to be that total package person. To some extent, we all do this- we are on our best behaviors at work and in social situations. When we are home, we let our image down a bit. But being almost a different person outside the home takes a lot of effort and your H may not have the energy to be that person all the time and just lets go at home.

It may be that you having AS was an attraction to him. For someone who can be emotional, having a more emotionally "cool" partner may feel stable to him. Also someone who isn't so emotionally dependent may be more comfortable to him. I don't have AS but I am also pretty independent. But it can also be a set up for feeling rejected if you don't think your partner "needs" you in any way. Like you, I resist leaning on anyone- perhaps because my own mother so frequently let me down, it is hard to trust that people won't. But are there ways your H can be there for you? Maybe he's bad at fixing things, but good or better at other things. Or maybe let him try, even if he doesn't always follow through or do it well.



What I have learned is that the guy I married is the one in front of me- the one who is the total package to some people and then, just needs to be accepted for who he is when not being the total package. That isn't real anyway. Most of us are good at some things and not so good at others. There are probably things about me that aggravate my H as well. Both of us are pretty sensitive to feeling shamed growing up, so I try to be empathetic about that.

I get aggravated too sometimes. At the moment, we are having company for Thanksgiving and my H has packed the fridge with his favorite stuff. I have no idea where I will put something as large as the turkey. We just don't do well sharing space. I will have to figure out something for the holiday, but I am actually considering buying a refrigerator as a solution for this in the future.

[formflier]

We just don't do well sharing space. I will have to figure out something for the holiday, but I am actually considering buying a refrigerator as a solution for this in the future.

Amazing the "exact sameness" of the problems we have with them.

I would buy another fridge in a heartbeat... .if I really thought "it could be just mine".  I would likely put it in the garage. 

Oh wait... .there is no room in the garage (that we share).  In fact... .I don't think you could walk through the garage at the moment.

Of course I get blamed for it.  Truth is, I won't put more energy into the garage until rules are established on how it is used.  Which likely isn't going to happen.

Several times since we moved in I've got the garage "perfect", she has sworn she will do better. 

She will stack stuff or toss stuff... .literally... .until you can't walk out there.   Yes... .open the door and just chuck stuff out there, it lands where it lands and is then out of her hair.

Sigh... .

Any ideas on addressing this?

FF

[Notwendy]

No, I just had a meltdown about not having room for the turkey. His reply was kinda victim. "well if you took better care of me I wouldn't have to buy all that food" Horse crap. I was the perfect Stepford wife for years and it didn't help our issues. Now that I am working again, I don't have time to be the perfect cook. I still do most of all the household work- and cooking and shopping. The man hasn't washed a dish in decades. But the focus is on me doing less.

Ok now past the rant.

I don't get it. I am not OCD, in fact, I am a "messy" but I need a certain amount of order and I do the housework, so I am constantly trying to keep order in the home, but feeling like it is swimming upstream sometimes. BPD mother had to have everything perfect. One thing out of place and it would be a crisis. If we left a toy out by accident, it would end up in the trash. I don't even cook in her house because one spot on her kitchen would not go well. So, I don't know what to do with the encroachment on space in my home.

[formflier]

Cat... .thanks for the thread that I can hijack... .for just a bit!  

I'm certainly not a neat nick, but I do like order and predictability.  

Yesterday, we get home from church and my wife goes into the laundry room and starts "organizing" ; giving a speech while doing it.  Kids went to another part of the house... .I caught about 50% of the speech.

Note:  I do 90% of the laundry in the house... .perhaps a bit higher.  Soo... .I like to know where to reach to get the bleach... .to get the stain spray for all the grass stains on jeans... . And... .there are always projects in work in that room.  It is a rare day that the washer or dryer isn't running in our house.

Yet... for some reason she felt compelled to "organize" it.  

The old FF would have asked her to "ask me first" or otherwise get involved.  Today I moved stuff back to where I like it and continued on.

After the laundry room she went to the pantry where we have a chest freezer... .more ranting and tossing stuff around.  At some point the energy dissipated and it was over.

I can let those things go, but the garage is a different story.  With cold weather, I need to reclaim it to do some car repairs (instead of outside in the street).  Not exactly sure how I'm going to do that.

Sigh... .

FF

[Cat Familiar]

Thanks, everybody. I'm learning so much here and appreciate y'all's help. It's been a struggle to accept that the man I fell in love with will never return, but the one that shows up most of the time is still a nice guy (very different from my first BPD husband).

Now that I've realized that much of what I had always felt was "wrong" with me: feeling overwhelmed by crowds, bright lighting, strong smells, and noise; not doing well with verbal instructions; others misunderstanding my words and actions; being perceived as cold and aloof; uncomfortable with socializing at parties--all this is due to a sensory processing disorder--Asperger's. On the positive side, it has given me an incredible ability to focus on things that are of interest to me. Having grown up in a family with a mentally ill mother, it's a relief knowing that I'm not also mentally ill, my senses just get overwhelmed by too much stimuli. I have a feeling that there are a lot of us out there, who are not extreme enough on the spectrum to be diagnosable, but discomfited enough by modern life that we want to retreat from too much stimulation. And that is why I choose to live in my rural paradise and want to spend as little time as possible in big cities.

I have recently started asking my husband for help when I've been in the process of fixing something and to my surprise, he's been receptive. I think the difference is that I've already started doing whatever it is that needs to be done. Because he doesn't have much experience doing things, when I've asked him beforehand, I think he feels insecure and worried. If I'm in the middle of a task, he doesn't need to feel threatened, because he can assume that I'm confident enough to figure it out, or I wouldn't have started it in the first place.

With regard to the highball glass containing the gin-soaked Buddhist text and the eyeglass cloth--I was fascinated. I wondered what on earth was the story here. Of course if I had asked, it would have just triggered shame so I ignored its presence and later he had washed it and put it away. (This is a good example of wanting to get too into his feelings and how counterproductive it would have been if I had asked.)

I think you're onto something, Notwendy, about an attraction between a very emotional pwBPD and a very cool Aspie. I suspect there are a lot of us on this site who've been called nerds, geeky, tech-ie, or have been bullied as kids for being too scholarly.

And then, down the line, that coolness, aloofness, emotional self-sufficiency that we have is now seen as a negative and we're accused of not caring, not being emotionally connected.

"She will stack stuff or toss stuff... .literally... .until you can't walk out there.   Yes... .open the door and just chuck stuff out there, it lands where it lands and is then out of her hair."


I had to laugh, FF. I just dealt with sorting out his mess in my basement workshop and today I'm getting the unfinished basement under our garage framed so that my husband can have his own storage there!

"well if you took better care of me I wouldn't have to buy all that food"  My husband will look in the cupboards and refrigerator and say, "There's no food here." I look and both the cupboards and refrigerator are full of food--it just takes some effort to assemble the ingredients. Then he'll tell me, "You never go to the grocery store." I do, but only when I need something that I haven't grown in my garden. When I go, I buy ingredients in bulk so that there's always staples with which to cook something. The Always/Never talk used to drive me crazy until I realized it is yet another BPD issue.

Good luck reclaiming your garage, FF. It felt so good to get my workshop back.

[lovenature]

Compromise is a very important part of a healthy relationship, but considering a PWBPD makes up their own reality to fit their current emotion of the moment, it only stands to reason that they aren't capable of it; low self esteem only further hinders compromise.

[Grey Kitty]

Oh wait... .there is no room in the garage (that we share).  In fact... .I don't think you could walk through the garage at the moment.

Of course I get blamed for it.  Truth is, I won't put more energy into the garage until rules are established on how it is used.

No, dude!

Rules and agreements only seem to work 'till they blow up, then you get pissed because your wife violated the agreement/rule. Stop trying to make them with her, or only make them for a single event, rather than an ongoing basis.

The picture I get from you is that there is "Your space", "Her space", and "Shared space" in the house. She's gonna roll over you in the "shared space", either out of being busy/lazy/distracted, or being dysregulated and wanting to blast over your boundaries.

Your "solution" on the laundry room was perfect. Let her reorganize and rant, vacate the space while she does it, and put things back how they work for you next time you do laundry.

I can let those things go, but the garage is a different story.  With cold weather, I need to reclaim it to do some car repairs (instead of outside in the street).

My suggestion would be to pick a time when you will be using the garage to do the car repair. Give her about a week's notice. Something like this:

"I need to do (job) on (car) in the garage next week. Sometime this week, I'm going to clear out space for the job one way or the other. Would you like me to [take stuff to thrift store; take stuff to dump; pile stuff under a tarp in the driveway; insert other fairly quick solution to empty the space for the job]. I can spend a day dealing with the stuff this week."

First, you are telling her, not negotiating with her. Yes, she can offer a counter-proposal and open negotiations.

Second, you are not demanding that she do anything or agree to anything... .you are presenting some sort of solution, even though you know it isn't exactly what she wants.

Third, you are pretty clearly leaving yourself open to a "better" way of clearing out space to work on a car in the garage... .if she wants to do it.

  CF, sorry to jump on the hijacked train so hard!

[Cat Familiar]

No prob, Grey Kitty, and this is also an issue I deal with all the time.

When I cleaned up the basement, I organized his stuff that rightfully belonged there, but at the same time, we also had a rodent infestation, so there were things that weren't in plastic storage tubs and rodents had gotten into things and stored acorns and left droppings.

I bought traps and caught several of them , then I cleaned up the space to the point where it was safe to house one of our cats, who now loves her own private room down there.

I brought all his stuff that shouldn't have been put there and deposited it in his studio, saying that I had cleaned out the rodent mess and I didn't want his things to be harmed.

There was nothing he could say, though I knew it aggrieved him to have even more chaos in his studio. In the past, I've brought stacks of magazines and books he's abandoned in the house into his studio and he has gotten mad about me "cluttering up" his space.

I continue to do that, but now I just change my approach. "I'm cleaning the house now, so I'm returning your stuff." It still irritates him, but at least he understands that I don't want to clean around his stuff.

There is no negotiation and if I were to ask him to put his stuff away, you can imagine the response, and then he wouldn't do it anyway, or there would be an excuse why he wouldn't do it. So I circumvent all that and just do what I want.

[formflier]

"I need to do (job) on (car) in the garage next week. Sometime this week, I'm going to clear out space for the job one way or the other. Would you like me to [take stuff to thrift store; take stuff to dump; pile stuff under a tarp in the driveway; insert other fairly quick solution to empty the space for the job]. I can spend a day dealing with the stuff this week."
 

I've kinda done something like this before... .it didn't really work out too well.  It all depends on whether or not she wants to build up a head of steam and cause a ruckus.

My issue is that once I get done cleaning out garage... .I usually need a day or so of downtime before I jump into a "heavy" project.  She will normally find a couple things that she determines doesn't need to be in the house or wherever she finds them... .and you can guess where they go.

Garage has been unusable for several months now.  She will come to me and complain... .that's easy... I just say no or walk away.

The "nice approach" is harder to deal with, because I try to work out our understanding of use of the space, which quickly falls apart.  I don't get upset, even though she does... .and let her know I'm fine with talking about it a future date.

I chuckle as I think back to a Charlie Brown analogy.  I imagine myself being CB and she is Lucy holding the football.  We are now at the stage where it is dawning on her that I'm not going to kick the football anymore.

FF

[Grey Kitty]

FF, you seem to be pulling a doom-and-gloom "nothing will work" thing here, in directions that seem to be almost contradictory.

You don't think you can come to an agreement with her about cleaning the garage.

You also said she's been upset about the garage for a while now, and you just leave when she starts complaining at you.

Does she want it cleaned up or not? She may need to "blame" you for the mess in there. Doesn't matter; let that go! No need to prove anything there--what matters is who gets the stuff out, or whether it stays put.

My issue is that once I get done cleaning out garage... .I usually need a day or so of downtime before I jump into a "heavy" project.  She will normally find a couple things that she determines doesn't need to be in the house or wherever she finds them... .and you can guess where they go.

You are making this too complicated. First off, put the car you will be working on as soon as you do it.

Second, if anything "appears" in the garage, put it anyplace else until you are done working on the car. She may not be "happy" but you really ought to be able to simply move things into another room or just outside faster than she can load them in! Surely the garage is not the only "shared" space in the house!

The "nice approach" is harder to deal with, because I try to work out our understanding of use of the space, which quickly falls apart.  I don't get upset, even though she does... .and let her know I'm fine with talking about it a future date.

Make the choice/decision/action be temporary--Say that this is just while you do a few things to the car(s). When you are done with the car work, you will leave the garage open... .and don't have to fight if she puts stuff back in it.

And if she decides she does want to make this a huge issue, then working on cars gets hired out to a mechanic, or waits 'till spring.

And for the record, I really REALLY like CF's solution--If stuff that you cannot deal with piles up in a shared space, put it into her space. She'll get grumpy, but she'll cope.

[formflier]

FF, you seem to be pulling a doom-and-gloom "nothing will work" thing here, in directions that seem to be almost contradictory.

You don't think you can come to an agreement with her about cleaning the garage.
 

Apparently... .she wants it clean... .but does not wan to alter any of her or the kids behavior that resulted in the current condition.

Been down this road several times. 

My P nailed the contradiction that the apparently operates on.  She wants complete predictability from everyone around her, but does not want anyone to question her predictability.   She wants to feel like she is stable and predictable... .even when she is not.

Yeah... .there is some doom and gloom in there.  I want a clean garage... .much... much less than she does (at the moment). 

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Apparently... .she wants it clean... .but does not wan to alter any of her or the kids behavior that resulted in the current condition.

I keep forgetting how many kids are in your house. If getting the garage clean and keeping it that way involves changing the behavior of half a dozen kids, that's gonna require more than something simple and easy like CF piling stuff in her H's study.

Maybe S.E.T. about the kids contribution to the mess in the garage, and the need to change their behavior to have a different result?

Maybe not. I remember times I tried to put on Logic Man's cape and tights, and tell my wife that the choice she was making had consequences that went with it... .you can guess how far that flew!

[formflier]

 
The kids are generally obedient... .90 some percent of the time they are acting on what they were just told. 

"Go toss that in the garage... ."  (direct quote)

We've had family meetings about it... .when I tell them to do things... .they do it.  There have been a few times I have "countermanded" something my wife told them to do and I won.  I made sure it was a safety issue... .something worth it. 

What I try to avoid is getting in a power struggle with her... .with a kid in the middle. 

At the moment... .the garage would be flunked by any building inspector worth his salt.  There is no pathway from the door to the garage (that leads to the laundry room and house) to the garage door for cars.  In other words, the fire exit is blocked. 

There are other pathways close by.  Yes... I've used the "fire exit" reasoning before... .and to my wife's credit (in an odd way) she was not passive aggressive or anything.  She just said "no". 

If she wants to toss boxes out there... .she is tossing.

FF