Introduction

[InIndia]

I'm having a hard time posting an intro following the directions on my phone, so here goes with my attempt.

I'm living in India with my husband and six months ago we unofficially took guardianship of an 18 year old girl from a safe house for trafficked girls where I am a volunteer counselor. She immediately started calling us mother and father, and in about a month we began to suspect BPD through our own online research. In our city there is very very little available in terms of good psychological care, let alone specialists for BPD so we've sought help in a few places so far and haven't found much. Our daughter is extremely loving and passionate, can be wise, flexible, and bold.

I've received therapeutic support myself for a number of years now but unfortunately don't have someone at present (I had a counselor via Skype), and the options we've pursued locally haven't worked out yet for family or individual support. My husband and I are working through a few excellent books, but I'm having a hard time especially disagreeing with him in how to apply what we're learning in our situations.

I'm hoping for a place of safety and understanding on this site, with good solid guidance and around the clock availability (as I'm on the other side of the world from the US).

Thanks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

 
Welcome to our family InIndia,  you have found a great place for support and some guidance.  We're sorry you are having to deal with the issues that face your family at this time... .but we also understand.  Note that to the right of this page there are tools and lessons you may find helpful in your process.  Another thing I personally did that I found very helpful was to read through the stories of others on this site.  It was great relief to find I was not alone in my struggles, and it was also very educational to see interactions between members here with support and guidance that was given in the threads on the message boards.  Dealing with a person with BPD (pwBPD) can be very emotionally and mentally draining, so be very compassionate with yourself through this process.  Just like the pwBPD cannot be expected to be perfect, you cannot expect that from you or your husband either. 
Please keep sharing, you've found the right place for good supplemental support and guidance!  The more you post, the more you get in return in my experience!   

[InIndia]

Thanks Drained   I was feeling vulnerable and insecure that no one had replied to my post.   I'd like to make use of all these resources, and give myself grace too in how difficult it is to try to learn and apply real time... .So I want to err towards being in touch a lot with the group since you say that helps get more support... .I can see that trying to read too much will add to my being overwhelmed with the technology difficulties too as this isn't smooth on my phone, so maybe staying connected, reading the most relevant bits, and focusing on practicing applying what I learn is the most important thing to do... .That's what I'm thinking currently. And feedback welcome.

[drained1996]

Very good thoughts on your part... .slow and steady.  You can overwhelm  yourself at times trying to take it all in, especially at first.  Learn as your time and mind will allow.  Make sure to take care of you as well in this process.  And again, the more you post the more you will get in return.  Try not to feel the insecurity when you do not get a reply... .I know that's hard at times... .but there are people here who care.  They are volunteers though, and of course it takes time sometimes!  You'll get the gist... .if you have specific things you would like to discuss or questions you would like answered, don't feel intimidated to start another thread with those thoughts. 
Integrating the tools and lessons you have read about will help.  It will take practice and patience for sure... .but when you practice something, you get better at it.  When you notice things becoming wound up with your pwBPD, that's the time you need to slow down your thought process and use the communication skills suggested.  We're here, and will do our best to support!  Keep posting!   

[InIndia]

Feeling  encouraged, thanks 

[HopeFullMom]

InIndia, I am so impressed that you and your husband opened your home and heart to this young woman.  I don't have any advice as I too am struggling with my recently diagnosed D21.  She took a bunch of pills in October which led to hospitalization and then a outpatient day program.  She took the pills because her boyfriend could not do the things they had planned that Saturday.  He broke up with her when she was in the hospital, but they have since resumed some sort of relationship.  I know they love each other, but the back and forth between them is hard for me to understand.  Today she fainted and took herself to the ER because she fell hard and told me NOT to come.  She could take care of it and handle it.  She is fine but badly bruised.  She told me the boyfriend wants to come stay with us so he can "watch her" because he is worried about her.  He is at school 2 hours away. I told her no, and she started all the manipulative things they do and I am at a loss how to respond to her.  She said, he's my friend and don't you want me to have a friend? Stuff like that. UGH.
Sorry to go on, just at a loss.  She is now seeing a therapist and on the waitlist for a DBT day program.

[InIndia]

Thank you HM!
I'd love to hear, when she says things like "don't come, I can handle it" do you respect that and not go help, or see it as a test of your love and commitment to her? I wrestle with this one a ton because our d does it daily. Good for you on the boundary for the boyfriend coming over. How has that continued?
It's all so daily huh. Now that I found this forum I want to write every 5 min and ask everyone what they would do in every new situation... .It's so constant.
Appreciating

[HopeFullMom]

Follow-up, I did not go to the hospital.  She was pretty adamant about it, so I respected that.  At first I was all ready for a argument re: the boyfriend, but after about a half hour she said nvm.  Almost seemed too easy.  Idk, I'm even wondering if what happened was really due to fainting or she did it to herself somehow.  She said the ER dr told her it could be her meds as she has been feeling faint for a few days.  She was also very mellow when she came home and I asked her if they gave her anything. She said just Tylenol. I asked her if she had smoked pot and she said no. She's usually pretty honest and at this point I wouldn't have a fit about the pot. Honestly, I have absolutely NO idea what is going on with her. I now routinely wake up in the middle of the night and instead of stewing and worrying I pick up my book and read. I am going to seek out a therapist as I have no idea how to respond to her most of the time. We have gone from 0-60 with this since October, it's just like it came on suddenly although I'm sure it's been building.

[qcarolr]

Hi. Trouble with boyfriends is the biggest trigger for my D, now 30. I think her abandonment fear is what gets triggered. This also happens when I am not available or need to say no to a request. Some people withdraw when triggered. My D gets loud and disrespectful - she is a 'fighter'. I am hoping she chooses to enter a program offered to her that may teach her some healthy skills with stress tolerance and self-soothing.

I find it really hard to know when to step in and when to hold back. When my D is in a situation that I want to help her with and she is saying she can handle it, I try to let her know that I am available. This has gotten harder as my D has moved into being an adult. She has some other issues that create a higher need for help navigating things on a day to day basis.

What things seem to trigger your D's?

qcarolr