Long period of crisis for D30

[qcarolr]

I feel compelled to post today an update. I have not been on the site for a few months. I was struggling with some health issues and have been just too tired.

My BPDD is now 30. She resists treatment, though has agreed to a couple short term programs in past 6 months. She also suffers depression and has anxiety/panic disorder. Things really started to get rough when an old bf returned to our area around the first of the year. He is a toxic friend. There are several things going on with her that have made life so painful and rough. She comes home expecting a warm fuzzy family sometimes. Her angry, raging, cursing, accusing, etc. behavior make it really hard to get close enough to her to offer any comfort or love. She is only at our house about 2 days a week for most of this year. She is out with her homeless and transient friends most of the time. I sense a lot of alienation from her 'people' now. She struggles to control her distress in all situations. I used to see some humor and more relaxed attitude when she was with her friends. Not anymore. She also has a lot of suicidal thinking and claims she is a coward so she is still alive.

I have been able to convince her to do two things in these past 6 months. A two-week mental health residential respite program in May after a fight with the toxic bf. She ended up charged with harassment and is on probation. He was not charged, though I think he was a guilty as she. She switched to her other bf in May and he went off the deep end a few weeks ago. He assaulted her in our home and damaged our house as well. The victim advocate on this case helped me get DD into detox (ordered by probation officer) for 5 days. I have supported her with my presence in person and on the phone through all of this. I have never experienced the depth of the darkness she is in right now with her. I am grateful that she still allows me into her life -- it is a love/hate relationship from moment to moment. Her stable period of 6-8 weeks has shrunk to daily cycles between raging and crying, clinging to me as her mom and pushing me away as untrustworthy.

She has two appointments Monday - one about her probation and the other with mental health. She missed both of these last week. Hope she goes next week.

I am so grateful for all I have learned here at  bpdfamily over the past several years. It is working for me now in this extremely trying period. Most of the time I can check off all the tools as being used in a day. Not perfectly, but enough to keep DD alive. She actually does seem to hear me - my love for her that is unending - amidst the most basic boundaries. I get a lot of support from a group of women friends and my hubby. I even get support, and accountability on the boundaries, from my gd11. She has also learned a lot of tools in the family therapy she and I have done since she was 4. It is sometimes hard to balance the needs of everyone in the family that I share deep love with. I even love myself more than in the past.

I have come full circle, as usual. Seeking help here and finding it inside myself by the time I get to the end of my post! Please keep my family, especially DD, in your thoughts and prayers for courage, strength and wisdom.

qcarolr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi qcarolr,

I'm so sorry to hear D30 is going through this hard time.  She must feel so lonely and scared and out of control, feeling bad about feeling bad, as they say.

Thanks for sharing your update, I always wonder about people whose stories I learn here, and hope for the best. It does sound like you and D30 are going through a trying period, and you are doing the best under very difficult circumstances.

Being able to love yourself through it, and seeing your GD11 apply the skills she has learned must make your heart burst with pride 

BPD has taught me to look for silver linings, too. Even when they are just a hint of silver, barely visible to others.

LnL

[Dibdob59]

Hi Qcr

I am sorry to hear that daily events are continuing to be difficult for you and your family. When things take an upturn it is hard not to become optimistic and hopeful - at the end of the day all we are wanting is a little normality for a while. Conversely, when things revert to being difficult and distressing it is hard to see any long term peaceful pathway.

You have reflected love and acceptance to your DD no matter which of the above scenarios are playing out. Your own illness adds further complication and pressure for you. I am comforted that you have support from friends, your dh and gd11.

Please post here if you feel our support is beneficial. As you say, you often find clarity yourself while writing and observing your own thoughts.

As always, thinking of you from 'the other side of the pond'.

Dibdob