Children's coping mechanisms

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

While I am not a parent, I am an important figure in a child's life who has a mother who I suspect has very strong waif-ish BPD traits (although sometimes the mother will have explosive rage).  The child who is 5 is now exhibiting some maladaptive behaviours and I am rather worried.  While she is well behaved with almost everyone, with her mother she has extreme temper tantrums to the point where she is violent with her mother (biting, scratching, etc.). While I am not a parental figure, I am an important figure in the life of this child. I also am aware that I cannot and will not be a surrogate "parent".  She has a mother who in fact feels threatenned by the relationship I have with the child, so things are also getting more complicated on that end.  I would though like to know about experiences with how young children react to having parents who have strong BPD/NPD traits and as someone who sees the child occasionally what is the best thing I can do... .while understanding that it is not my role to "save" her from her mother. It does break my heart though. This is the sweetest most wonderful child and I see so much sadness in her already.

[caughtnreleased]

While I am not a parent, I am an important figure in a child's life who has a mother who I suspect has very strong waif-ish BPD traits (although sometimes the mother will have explosive rage).  The child who is 5 is now exhibiting some maladaptive behaviours and I am rather worried.  While she is well behaved with almost everyone, with her mother she has extreme temper tantrums to the point where she is violent with her mother (biting, scratching, etc.). While I am not a parental figure, I am an important figure in the life of this child. I also am aware that I cannot and will not be a surrogate "parent".  She has a mother who in fact feels threatenned by the relationship I have with the child, so things are also getting more complicated on that end.  I would though like to know about experiences with how young children react to having parents who have strong BPD/NPD traits and as someone who sees the child occasionally what is the best thing I can do... .while understanding that it is not my role to "save" her from her mother. It does break my heart though. This is the sweetest most wonderful child and I see so much sadness in her already.

[sad but wiser]

This is the hardest part, isn't it?  They are starved for love!  I have a similar one to deal with this year.  Very intelligent and mom isn't equipped for that either.  Still, emotional abuse is abuse and should be reported if it is recurring in front of you and describable.  This is a no-win for the child. : (

[caughtnreleased]

Still, emotional abuse is abuse and should be reported if it is recurring in front of you and describable.  This is a no-win for the child. : (

Yes my heart is breaking for her. I think you are right about her being starved of love. I don't actually witness outright emotional abuse, simply that the mother is emotionally unavailable. She manipulates the child in order to control her - but justifies it because the child is "misbehaving" - which indeed the child will misbehave if she is being manipulated. But it's small issues of control.  If the child doesn't do as the mother asks, the mother will then threaten to withdraw love, will split with the child's sibling, and will even tell the child that I won't want to spend time with her anymore. I have tried to correct this whenever the mother speaks about me and have decided I will openly contradict the mother if she does this again.  I am trying to give the child unconditional love. Unfortunately you are right, starved for love... goodness it is so sad. There is nothing overt that can be reported though, and this would cause irreperable harm with the mother. It is not an avenue I can take. The behaviour is all very malignant under the surface behaviour that I think the mother is not even aware of.  The mother is simply exhausted (she has zero boundaries and therefore is also in powers truggles with her husband and other family members) and doesn't have the emotional intelligence to be an unconditionally loving parent to her child.

[sad but wiser]

The child has a father, and it is he who must save her.

[Turkish]

I can well imagine that this is heartbreaking. 

I know you want to fix this somehow,  but I think whatever you are doing should not be underestimated.  As the child of a BPD mother,  I can tell you that I had a sage haven family nearby. I had a couple when I was little,  and two when I was a teen. ... the latter two which had pwBPD, or were very dysfunctional,  but I wasn't a target   Teachers who were mentors were also safe havens.  Of course,  anyone else I said anything remotely positive about,  my mother tore down, so I learned to keep my mouth shut.  Keep being you.  Viewed from the other side,  decades later,  it's more than you may see right now. 

Child abuse laws vary by jurisdiction. Of you ever see bruises (physical evidence), then that's clearly reportable, though you're not a mandatory reporter.  Though my mother would have been charged with neglect if we were caught not 6 months earlier,  the CPS worker who caught up with us deemed our living conditions as adequate.  I kept my mouth shut about the emotional and physical abuse.  I was 13 by then. 

I have a good memory,  going back clearly to when I was 4, with faint memories when when I was 2. What was going on then I could only analyze appropriate to my age,  and it wasn't deep.  "Momma loves me,  but she also smacks and yells at me,  and sometimes sends me to school in tears,  but she's my only mom. It's fun staying with the baby sitter. No yelling or slapping."

Don't underestimate your impact here. 

[caughtnreleased]

The child has a father, and it is he who must save her.

Unfortunately, I don't think the father has a much higher emotional intelligence than the mother. What I see between the parents is a kind of game between them... .where they undermine eachother and use the children as pawns in their game. It's very unhealthy. I am quite certain that there is no physical abuse. Simply an extremely poor emotional environment for these little children and yes they are suffering. Thank you for your support.