New and discouraged

[mom2bpdD]

Sigh. Short story, my D16 has been struggling for a few years. It became apparent she has BPD about 9 months ago after she failed to respond to the usual anxiety/depression meds and ran away several times and had suicidal ideations. She went to a DBT group for about 3 months, dropped out because she didn't like being challenged by the therapist. Went 6 months with no help (except Abilify and Ciprolex, she claims "don't do anything"

We started a family group DBT 2 weeks ago, hopefully it will help. Just her and I, my husband is her step-dad and stays home with our 6yo. D16 is my daughter, her bio father has been largely absent and neglectful of D16.

She's exhibiting her physiological stress responders lately (she loses consciousness). About 3 weeks ago she disclosed she has "alter" personalities so we are being referred to a specialist who deals with adults with DID. She's had to drop out of sports, lost consciousness at a play rehearsal last week so barely hanging on to that and wants to move out of the house again because of course she believes when she gets away from me, her entire life will get better.

I'm really not sure what to ask or what to think. I guess I'm just really discouraged by the fact that for so many weeks I think we're doing okay when in fact she's just hiding everything and repressing it to the point that she starts dissociating and resorting to other dysfunctional coping behaviors. Starting to wonder if I should send her away to a boarding facility. She'll be 17 next month. I get mired in depression when I start thinking too far into the future. Her life is supposed to just be starting but I don't see her being able to function in the real world  College? Her own apartment? It's suffocating to think of how bad that will go.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Hi mom2BPDD 

It sounds like you have been very involved in your daughter's treatment. She is lucky to have you as her mom. You are the most important person in her life, even when she is unable to be aware of this.

I also get how discouraged you are feeling. BPD sure is a roller coaster ride. My BPDD is now 30, and sadly still struggles. She has some other limiting factors besides the BPD that prevent her in being able to work or be successful in schooling. She also suffers anxiety/panic/depression. She does respond to anti-depressant/anti-anxiety meds when she takes them regularly. Seems as soon as she starts to feel better, then she stops the meds. She is extremely resistant to any therapy as it triggers her so much. I do think if I could get a do-over, a residential treatment program would have been wise to consider when she was your D's age. It has to be a long enough program to overcome the built-in stubborn resistance as you see with her physiological responses. It also might be just too scary for her to be locked away from you. When her world feels too scary and unsafe dissociation is one way to cope with that. I hope the specialist and the family DBT group can give her some new tools for coping.

My heart goes out to the pain your D is experiencing in her daily life. Then my attention shifts to you. This is a huge responsibility for each of us as a parent. How do you take care of yourself? Who is there when you need an understanding hug or shoulder? Do you have a personal T to help you process all this? Friends?  Building a personal support network over the past few years has made a huge difference in my ability to cope with the challenges my family and I face with D30. I gained so much from the tools section (sidebar to the right). I first came to this site in 2009 when D30 was first dx with BPD. She was 23 at that time. I also was invited to a new faith family about then. The connections I have made with women friends there has been so valuable.

I am not on the site as often anymore, but will check back to see your response. Please reply to let us know how you are doing,

[mom2bpdD]

It has to be a long enough program to overcome the built-in stubborn resistance as you see with her physiological responses. It also might be just too scary for her to be locked away from you. When her world feels too scary and unsafe dissociation is one way to cope with that. I hope the specialist and the family DBT group can give her some new tools for coping.

My heart goes out to the pain your D is experiencing in her daily life. Then my attention shifts to you. This is a huge responsibility for each of us as a parent. How do you take care of yourself? Who is there when you need an understanding hug or shoulder? Do you have a personal T to help you process all this? Friends?  Building a personal support network over the past few years has made a huge difference in my ability to cope with the challenges my family and I face with D30. I gained so much from the tools section (sidebar to the right).

Please reply to let us know how you are doing,

Thank you for your response, it's appreciated. I guess the struggle on my end comes in that I don't feel I have help, my extended family gets stressed out by all of it and tunes me out, I can't fully confide in friends. I imagine most of us feel this way, when your child has major psychiatric issues chatting with mom's whose biggest concern is what dress to buy for prom and what colleges their kids should apply to... .well, I feel alone. And so much of the burden falls to us as the primary caregivers and relationship with whom the BPDperson is most dependent and yet strained.

I have a therapist but he's not really helping, as he's encouraging a "tough love" approach which I am pretty sure will not work. Tough love and high expectations have been how I operate, I've always had my kids be accountable for their behaviour, but look at how that has turned out. I had one therapist a while back who was really good... .she helped parents of sexual assault survivors. D16 was raped at a party last year, that was the start of her complete inability to cope and the dissociation - by the time she disclosed, it had been 3 months of utter chaos, drug and alcohol use, blackouts, etc. The therapist moved though

Just typing this out makes me realize how extreme this all is, and how sad I am for my D16. As frustrating as she can be and as much as she can make me feel to blame for everything, she's had some horrible things happen to her to push her this far.

I'd be curious to hear about people's BPD relatives and trauma therapy. I just think of it and know my D16 is nowhere near being able to cope with what happened. Her level of ability to manage emotions is so low. I wonder if doing a residential treatment would be too much right now (or it would spend 4-5 months trying to get through the wall first)

[qcarolr]

I have done some study and work with trauma focused therapy. As I have been able to put some of it's ideas into practice, things have gotten better. I absolutely agree that tough love and high expectations can make things so much worse with my D30. What she needs more than anything is to know she is accepted and loved, no matter what. And that 'what' has included not being in our home at times. It is always a work in process. The rape is a huge thing for your D at a very vulnerable age.

Here is a link to the review of the book that gave me the best hands on tools and understanding of BPD. I highly recommend you get a copy. I refer back to mine still when needing a refresher.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/loving-someone-borderline-personality-disorder

One of the most valuable tools is to learn about and practice Validation with everyone in your life, including yourself! All this practice makes it more effective with my D30 who is the most resistant to even effective skills.

Keep looking for a T that can work with you from a perspective of validation. Boundaries are also important, but the focus is on preserving your core values, not changing behavior of anyone else. I have experienced in the past couple years, as I have worked on myself in therapy and a healing group, that it is possible to love my D unconditionally, set protective boundaries that I can return to even when they are bent a bit, and advocate with my D for what she needs my help with.

I have been told that I am 'too kind' or 'enabling' with my D. When I am feeling discouraged and down on myself, it is easy to take this on as real and set aside the loving, validating skills I have. It is easy to return to a tough love stance with clear expectations (that are not in my D's scope of reality). It is important to remember that I am human and imperfect. I will have better days and off days. There is always another day to hope for some level of 'do-over'. Lately when I hear someone describe me as 'too kind', I get a little angry at the comment instead of angry at myself for being 'weak'. I am a strong woman and can find the support I need to keep having hope for my D on the darkest days.

I hope you can find a good T for both yourself and your D. I look forward to seeing you replies.

qcarolr

[HopeFullMom]

Your situation is similar to mine, although I did not find out about my daughter's rape, four years ago, until this October when she took a bunch of pills.  She is 21 and in college.  She also has a boyfriend who she was solely dependent on, and he had to cancel plans on her and that is when she took the pills.  She then went into a inpatient program, just finished out patient and is seeing a therapist and we are on the wait list for a dbt program. 
Yesterday she fainted, and now realize her fainting is what you mentioned.  The ER dr thought it might be her meds but now I believe it is a stress coping mechanism.  It is not the first time this has happened, and before being diagnosed with the BPD she had every test under the sun.
Her boyfriend broke up with her when she was in the hospital, creating all kinds of angst.  They are now talking again and I do not know how to respond to almost anything anymore.  I am going to seek out a therapist. This is overwhelming, exhausting and scary.

[SnowCat84]

I feel all your frustration and fear with regard to my daughter every day.  I don't have any answers though.  I can only say that I am in a DBT parent group that uses Marsha Linehan(sp?) manual.  It has really helped me understand the validation part.  Unfortunately I'm not any good at doing it.  My daughter won't tolerate conversation with me about anything.  The group leader just says to keep trying.  Maybe she's listening even though it doesn't look that way.

And to the parent who mentioned the frustration when friends complain about choosing a dress for prom ---  YES!  If they only realized how happy we would be to have those problems instead of BPD.

[qcarolr]

SnowCat84

It has taken me a long time to imprint validation techniques on my busy brain! I knew in the beginning that D30 would not take to this change very well. So I practiced with everyone else in my life. The easiest was with co-workers - very low risk for me. I also tried to validate myself! Little by little I got better at it and started to become a better listener with D30 as well.

Here is a quote that is on my wall, from the validation guide book "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better".

"Universal Need: I am of worth, My feelings matter, Someone cares about me"

For me, this is the core value of learning and practicing validation. When I came to believe this about myself, then I could believe it about others in my life no matter the drama or distress we were experiencing.

Keep working the validation. 

qcarolr