Self-care

[bpdmom99]

My D15 is now entering her second week of hospitalization (the 7th time in the past year that she has been hospitalized).  I try to use these times when I know she is being cared for 24 hrs a day to rest up and re-charge myself.  But I find it so difficult to do.

Yesterday I finally crumbled.  All of the stress that I had been living under finally broke in me and I realized that I have to find a way to take better care of myself.

What does self-care look like to you?  Even with her in the hospital, she is pressuring me to come visit her every day - but I am finding it difficult to even do that.  I need the break from the drama so that I can re-charge, but she - of course - sees my boundaries as abandonment.

What do you to to take care of yourself?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Self-care when a loved one has abandonment issues is not easy.

With SO's D19, I turned to mindfulness like my life depended on it. I found that mindfulness, in addition to reading things that made me feel compassion, helped to get me through the span of time we spent together.

The more compassionate I felt, the more present I was with D19. When I felt that combination of compassion/being present feeling ebb, I would go practice mindfulness, even if it meant telling her I needed to go.

I have also found that telling SO's D19 in advance what my limits are, or time constraints, or whatever structure I need in order to function well -- all of that counts as self-care. It can be even more specific than that -- one night she was in a dissociative state, almost manic, with lots of free association. Really did not matter that I was there, she was jumping from topic to topic, swearing like a sailor, and almost foaming at the mouth she was talking so fast. I put my hand on her arm and told her I wanted to hear what she had to share, and was not able to keep up. Self care can be recognizing that her moods are out of control, and having an effect on you, and sharing your perspective, introducing some reality testing.

The key for me is to do this in a way where relationship skills improve the odds that we will not have a major falling out, and then not punishing myself if and when that happens. She needs to know that if she begins to act in harmful ways, I will be sure to protect myself, and that our relationship will be stronger if my experience is something I have control over, so that hers is not constantly ripping it to shreds.

[Lollypop]

Hi

My self care started when I took a decision to look outwards not inwards. I decided I needed a life that I lived well for my self. I took a part time art college course. It hasn't been easy to get this time to myself but I can't tell you've the massive benefits it has brought to myself and my family. I have a part of my life now that doesn't involve BPD.

Basically, you have your own life and interests. You can demonstrate a life that is well lived. I know this maybe sounds totally unrealistic, particularly when you're in this crisis and my heart goes out to you, but I've found myself blossoming despite it feeling selfish. I'd reached a point I was so unhappy and I've never looked back.

Big hugs

L

[bpdmom99]

Thank you both for sharing so honestly with what has been helpful for you.  I appreciate this message board and the support and care that we can all provide to each other. 

Off to meditate ... .