New here

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and very scared. Other than my therapist and a few friends, I haven't talked much about my nightmare marriage. I've read lots of books, my therapist and I think my wife has BPD/NPD traits. I grew up in a high conflict home. This probably had something to do with my denial of the abuse me and the kids suffer. I know my wife is ill. However, the rages, manipulation, anger etc. are unbearable.

My current plea is for any kind of support or guidance. I have just recently decided to end the marriage. Not told my wife yet. Our kids are 5, 7 and 9. Breaks my heart, but I can already see how the abuse is affecting them.  We tried couples therapy twice. She just screamed at me for an hour. She just has zero insight. She just says I am her only problem, I am definitely her designated target. Thank you

[Ddad3]

Hello. I'm new to this forum and very scared. Other than my therapist and a few friends, I haven't talked much about my nightmare marriage. I've read lots of books, my therapist and I think my wife has BPD/NPD traits. I grew up in a high conflict home. This probably had something to do with my denial of the abuse me and the kids suffer. I know my wife is ill. However, the rages, manipulation, anger etc. are unbearable.

My current plea is for any kind of support or guidance. I have just recently decided to end the marriage. Not told my wife yet. Our kids are 5, 7 and 9. Breaks my heart, but I can already see how the abuse is affecting them.  We tried couples therapy twice. She just screamed at me for an hour. She just has zero insight. She just says I am her only problem, I am definitely her designated target. Thank you

[jonmnemonic]

You've come to a good place where you'll find a lot of support.  Don't try and go through this alone.  You'll need as much support as you can get.

[Ddad3]

Thank you! It's nice to hear I'm not alone.

[jonmnemonic]

What steps have you taken to protect yourself?  You really need someone you can confide in to let them know what's going on.  A breakup with a BPD can be a very dangerous time.  If you haven't already been through a smear campaign you may be about to.  False accusations can land you in court or in getting arrested.  Start a journal and document everything that goes on.  If nothing else it will help you to keep things straight in your head.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Denver Dad, Welcome!  The nightmare marriage you describe is quite familiar to many of us, and we have been in your shoes.  No, you are not alone.  I took my marriage vows seriously, too, but I like to think that I demonstrated to my kids that one need not remain in an abusive situation and that change is possible.  Certainly it is less stress on them without having unhappy parents arguing all the time.  Of course you're the target, because you are the closest person to whom she can shift the blame and responsibility.  Suggest you  deflect, rather than absorb, her accusations.  Sounds like you have rough sledding ahead, which involves enduring short-term pain in exchange for long-term happiness.

LuckyJim

[Ddad3]

Jonemonic- I am reading Kreger's book Splitting on the legalities of divorcing NPD/BPD wife. I plan to get an attorney. I have never done this before. What other steps should I take? I would be shocked if my wife is not outrageous in her accusations.  I am very nervous about leaving. It's on of the reasons I have postponed.

LuckyJim- Thanks for the kind words. I do look at it like short term pain for long term gain. I don't want my kids to see me endorse or enable my wife's  abuse anymore. They deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.

[Lucky Jim]

I don't want my kids to see me endorse or enable my wife's  abuse anymore. They deserve better than that. I deserve better than that.

Right, Denver Dad: they deserve better, as do you.  Well said!  Your self-esteem seems intact.  Sounds like you are finding your path, which is what it's all about, in my view.  Let us know if you have any particular questions.  When in doubt, suggest you listen to your gut feelings.

By the way, I really have been in your shoes.  I had to move out of our house and leave our two kids aged 10 & 11 with my BPDxW, whom I believed to be emotionally unstable.  That was six years ago, right around this time of year. 

LuckyJim