Update

[Verbena]

It's been almost three months since my divorce was finalized.  I've been in therapy for about two months to deal with the damage of the emotional abuse.  It's helping.

After ex moved out of my house, he moved in with my daughter and son-in-law for fifteen days.  Once the lies he told them and his lawyer blew up in his face, he moved out of their house and into a hotel.  Now he is apparently in an apartment way across town. 

For two months he had no contact whatsoever with our grandson and very little with our daughter.  She made it clear to him that he needed to be accountable for what he had done while living with her and apologize for his behavior.   Of course, he was not about to do that so he just stayed away until he felt he had worn her down and that she was going to let it go. 

So that's what happened.  Now they are back to "normal" and he is involved in their lives and with his grandson. 

It's painful to watch him continue the same patterns of behavior, but now with his daughter.  The big difference is that she doesn't have to live with him and deal with him on a daily basis. 

She is okay with their current level of  contact, and he seems to be respecting her boundaries.  For example, he did not show up for a planned visit at her home and had some ridiculous reason for standing her up.  The next day he decided he would just drop in and she told him he didn't get to do things on his timeline. He hasn't pulled any more stunts like that with her since then.

I ended up spending an additional $1800 on attorney's fees because of his lies and refusal to do what he was supposed to do.  He made everything as difficult as possible for me, but he finally did everything he was court ordered to do. 

He's out of my life but not out of my head.  I continue to struggle with memories of our marriage that I had stuffed for years but now are rushing back in.  I know now that our marriage was far worse than I realized. He is far more sick than I realized.  I am far more damaged from living with him for 34 years than I realized. 

In January, I will have to see him at our son's wedding.  I dread it.  I'm sure he will put on quite a show with my family who will be there.  Except for one sister, none of them knew the truth of his behavior or what I tolerated.  Now they know and he has to know that they know.  Still, I think he will pretend he doesn't because that's how he always dealt with issues. 

Any advice on dealing with this upcoming wedding would be appreciated.  A few friends have told I should contact him to discuss the wedding since he has to be feeling awkward about it too. 

[formflier]

Verbena,

Good to hear from you.  I'm glad to hear that you are working with T.  Glad it's helping.  You keep making healthy strides... .keep it up!   

About the wedding.  I think you should discuss with T... .and with us.  I think either answer will likely be fine.  (contact ahead of time or not)

Some caution areas.  Are you ok if he "pretends"?  What if you learn that he has taken some of your family aside and told some other story? 

I'm not suggesting this will happen.  I AM suggesting that you and T... and us... .consider the possibility and think through a healthy response... or non-response.

I would also think through times at your son's wedding when you will be in close proximity and would need to do things together.  This is really your son's call as he designs the wedding ceremony.  I would hope that YOU would be in a place to say "yes" to a reasonable request of what he would like you two to do for his ceremony.

I've seen parents go up and light candles together... .that kind of thing.

Last thought for now:  While sad that he showed no accountability with your daughter, are you ok with her letting him back in her life... .and grandson's life?

What does your social life look like now?  What would you like it to look like in 6 months?

Have you had any contact with him since the divorce? (email, phone, text)

FF

[Verbena]

I have not spoken to him in person since August 1 when he was behaving irrationally while here trying to get his stuff out.  That was the day I woke up my grandson and took him immediately to his other grandmother because the situation was so volatile.  He was waving papers in my face that day,  claiming
that the facts of our temporary orders weren't actually true, that he really had more time to get moved out, etc.  He was scary angry and showing some bizarre behavior.  


I didn't see him again until August 10th or so  when he stood in the street (because he couldn't legally be on the property) while movers took the last of his stuff.  At that time, I was experiencing PTSD-like symptoms and hyperventilated as I drove away with him standing there. I haven't seen him since and haven't spoken to him on the phone.  

I did send him an e-mail on October 5 telling him my mistakes in the marriage and asking his forgiveness.  He refused to allow me to do this before the divorce.  I also told him in the e-mail that I was in therapy to deal with emotional abuse and that I forgave him for it.  

Two weeks later, he sent me a separate e-mail that said, "I ask forgiveness.  And I forgive."  I was shocked.  I also wasn't surprised  at the obvious omission of what he was wanting to be forgiven for.  He has never been able to acknowledge his behavior.  Honestly, I think he sent the e-mail because he didn't want me to think I was the bigger and better person.

 He was never okay with me being recognized for anything or getting credit for anything. That's not why I sent him the email, but he would likely see it that way.  The fact that he has not apologized or acknowledged anything at all with our daughter also makes me question his response.  But who knows.  

I don't like him, don't want anything to do with him,  don't have any respect for his actions, and have a lot of work to do on my healing. But I've forgiven him.  I had to.  The anger I felt toward him for what he put me through was eating me alive.

I'm very glad that he is seeing his grandson again and finally stopped the silent treatment with our daughter.  It does sicken me that he is manipulating her with his threat to move nine hours away to Mississippi.  Since she has dropped her efforts a trying to get him to be accountable, he seems to have abandoned that plan.  She sees it for what it is.  She knows how he is.  But he's her daddy and she loves him.  

I can't imagine my ex trying to put his own spin on his version of events with my family at the wedding.  He's too much of a coward to ever bring anything up with them.  :)enial and acting like nothing ever happened is much more his style.  

I think I will be okay with being in the same place with him as long as there are lots of other people around.  I really don't want to be in close proximity to him or have to carry on a conversation with him.  There's just nothing to say.  

 

 

[Buffie]

Hi Verbena,
Lots of what you posted resonate, so you're not alone.  It's hard to really know just how many areas of our life are impacted by the abuse and by the poison.  I look at the investments I made and realize that everything was just a show.  In my ex's life it still is.  It's also hard to watch our kids try over and over to normalize their relationship with a BPD parent to no avail.  It's born out of a need to be in relationship with their parents.  It will take some time to process all of the hurts and memories.  Mourn the things that are dead, for a short season and then refuse to give them a place to stay.  The last piece of advice is to stay way from bitterness... .it's like giving a staging area for them to construct new places in your life.  During the upcoming wedding, only focus on the bride and groom, despite any attempts your ex might make to bring himself into the spotlight.  It will be tempting to stare at him when he does this but force yourself to think about something else... .close your eyes and sing the Barney song until you can focus on something else.  In the end it will come down to what you practice.  If you can learn to put him out of your mind when the annoying stuff comes in, then you will be populating your life with positive things that you want.  Stay strong and stay close to the boards... .don't vent about him with the kids... .that's what this place is for.

Buff

[Grey Kitty]

Glad you are making progress!

Regarding the wedding, I have a few suggestions:

1. Aim to be civil with him. Even a touch friendly. With no depth, and avoiding any emotional depth with him. [Chances are he won't fight that... .I hope!]

2. Ask your son what he wants, and do all you can to support him however he asks. It is his wedding! Part of asking might be telling him that you've already decided to be as civil possible with his dad... .and that you will do your best at whatever else he asks of you regarding his dad.

3. Given how badly you reacted (emotionally) with him last time you saw him, you might try contacting him and asking to meet him (briefly, and on neutral territory, not your house or his place!), to talk about how you will handle the wedding.

That will also be a chance to see if you do get physical PTSD-like symptoms when you are around him still, or if you are less triggered. Knowing how that will go at the wedding will help you figure out what is possible.