Second Chance or Not?

[WhatJustHappened?]

I could really use some advice. My first time ever posting on this particular board. I recently posted in the ":)etaching" board as I thought I was through but am having second thoughts now that the anger has subsided. I was steaming mad.

Backstory: GF of six months hit me with closed fist on election day. Actually tried to hit me about three times with one getting through. Before hitting me, she hit herself, apologized and then like a switch that flipped, turned on me.

Nothing to indicate that she was BPD but there is something going on.

Then came the "I'm really sorry but here are some excuses" emails.

Then came "I tried to tell you about my anger problem and BTW it's happened before' (at least the hitting herself part) email.

Then came the "I really miss you and love, can we talk?" email.

I took the stance that I am "one and done". Physical assault is NEVER acceptable or excusable. I tend to agree with that.

I have asked my friends and family about this. Most agree that nothing good can come from reconciliation.

It's sad because we had a great relationship granted that it was only six months old but I'm guessing many say that. "It was great up until the time she stabbed me". LOL

Last Saturday, she emailed me one last time in hopes that we could talk. I had blocked her on email, phone and text but she got through on Facebook.

I told her to cease and desist all contact or I would take action. She wrote back that she was done and gone.

I feel sad and am second guessing myself. Has anyone had a similar experience? What did you do? Do you have regrets?

Honestly, at this point, I would be too embarrassed now that I have disclosed what has happened to my friends and family to reconcile. I know that may be silly to say but I am being honest. I would really need to feel comfortable and strong with any potential reconciliation.

[formflier]

I applaud you for standing up for yourself!   

What are you hoping would be the outcome of a reconciliation?  What message would you be sending, if you took her back after saying "one and done"?

It's good that you are acknowledging doubts.  Good that you are getting them out there to discuss.  We can help you work through them.

FF

[ArleighBurke]

You have imposed the ultimate boundary - but probably for the best.

If this happened after such a short time together (and she says she can be violent), then it will probaly happen again in the future.

And not to be harsh, but a 6 month relationship is not heavily invested. I am absolutely sure that you loved her, and that there were many good times, and that you will miss her - all that is completely normal.

Be sad, grieve, then move on and enjoy life.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I applaud you for standing up for yourself!  

What are you hoping would be the outcome of a reconciliation?  What message would you be sending, if you took her back after saying "one and done"?

It's good that you are acknowledging doubts.  Good that you are getting them out there to discuss.  We can help you work through them.

FF

Thanks!

I would be hoping that she would take action to get help and that we could move forward with our relationship. The message I would be sending is either one of kindness/softness in wanting to repair things or one of weakness. Or both?

I agree ArleighBurke, if it happened this soon, then who knows what may be next?

[formflier]

The message I would be sending is either one of kindness/softness in wanting to repair things or one of weakness. Or both?
 

I would hope you could do some self reflection... .and come to a point where you can be "firm" and "kind".

It doesn't sound like you berated your partner when you broke up.  It sounds like you were clear about your boundary.  Nothing mean about that.

Would you agree that your partner was "mean" (hitting) and you "returned good for evil"?  (If I have this wrong... .please correct)

FF

[jrharvey]

If she has BPD this would require years of therapy and a lot of work on your part. This will not only happen again but many, many times. Doesn't sound like your down for that. I would go no contact unless your down for the challenge.

[WhatJustHappened?]

I'm very curious on what others would have done. Do others here feel that the "one and gone" stance is reasonable or are second chances ever acceptable?

I know that it's a very personal choice.

[ArleighBurke]

Tough question.

You can't punish someone for violating a boundary that you haven't stated. However, should you NEED to state "no violence" as a boundary? Or is that assumed?

For me, it is assumed. Especially if she says she's done it before.

[beggarsblanket]

I'm very curious on what others would have done. Do others here feel that the "one and gone" stance is reasonable or are second chances ever acceptable?

It will vary with the relationship, the severity of the BPD, and the severity of any problems the non-BPD lover has. I would have taken the "one and done" approach had I not been so desperate for closeness and had I known earlier what I know now about BPD.

I made the mistake of giving her a second chance. We didn't last two weeks before my doubts about her overwhelmed my dedication to her. There were too many gross discrepancies between her behaviour before and after the first break up. When I drew attention to the discrepancies, her rage reaction all but made the decision for me.

[butters]

I am also struggling with this problem.

ExBPD/HPD (not officially diagnosed) is going to have to get some form of treatment after things eventually blew up ... .she says that we both need to work on each other and that she is going to get help and is hopefully on the road to recovery.

 I really want to give her a second chance but yet she still lies and shows no remorse for her past actions. The closest admission i get is 'i know i hurt you, but you hurt me too'... .which I feel is just skirting past her responsibility and facng up to what happenned.

Can anyone with BPD/HPD 'get better' and be in a loving monogamous relationship?