Confused about relationship with girlfriend

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I'm at the end of a 4 year relationship with a women 18 years younger than me. In the beginning she kept approaching me. I was married and so was she, I wasn't happy in my marriage and she explained the same thoughts. In the time span of 4 months she left her husband of 15 years and two kids which she arranged to visit every other week each month. Abandoned any effort for child support or alimony, 401K, etc. My exit from my marriage of 21 years was to take place in May since my oldest son was graduating from HS then. Well, looking back, was the first warning sign when this woman insisted I leave in March or we were done. I buckled and left in March. I moved in with her first of April and was " love bombed " to the max, not understanding at the time what was really going on. It did not take long to figure out things were not quite right. I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving my two sons ages 11 and 18. I was trying to please this woman in every way possible. I never seen anyone who demanded so much attention. One episode at a Putt-Putt course was because I wasn't kissing her every other hole... that outing turned into a horrible argument. She left me in the parking lot and I ended up walking 4 miles back home.
There is much more I could go on and on about. I researched Narcissism, I believe she has these traits as well. After several break-ups, finally moving out and getting back together only to find things getting worse each time with emotional and verbal abuse. I finally had enough and walked away. I have gone no contact so far. She has text me twice over a joint financial matter we are bound to but that is it. Do I just cut my losses and move on? I have tried and tried to make this relationship work. Friends and Family don't know how I lasted as long as I have and why i continue to go back for more abuse? I don't know either other than I really feel I loved this woman like no other. But my emotional state is very fragile, I physically shake anymore, I feel empty... any words or advice? Thanks

[Nflfans]

I'm at the end of a 4 year relationship with a women 18 years younger than me. In the beginning she kept approaching me. I was married and so was she, I wasn't happy in my marriage and she explained the same thoughts. In the time span of 4 months she left her husband of 15 years and two kids which she arranged to visit every other week each month. Abandoned any effort for child support or alimony, 401K, etc. My exit from my marriage of 21 years was to take place in May since my oldest son was graduating from HS then. Well, looking back, was the first warning sign when this woman insisted I leave in March or we were done. I buckled and left in March. I moved in with her first of April and was " love bombed " to the max, not understanding at the time what was really going on. It did not take long to figure out things were not quite right. I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for leaving my two sons ages 11 and 18. I was trying to please this woman in every way possible. I never seen anyone who demanded so much attention. One episode at a Putt-Putt course was because I wasn't kissing her every other hole... that outing turned into a horrible argument. She left me in the parking lot and I ended up walking 4 miles back home.
There is much more I could go on and on about. I researched Narcissism, I believe she has these traits as well. After several break-ups, finally moving out and getting back together only to find things getting worse each time with emotional and verbal abuse. I finally had enough and walked away. I have gone no contact so far. She has text me twice over a joint financial matter we are bound to but that is it. Do I just cut my losses and move on? I have tried and tried to make this relationship work. Friends and Family don't know how I lasted as long as I have and why i continue to go back for more abuse? I don't know either other than I really feel I loved this woman like no other. But my emotional state is very fragile, I physically shake anymore, I feel empty... any words or advice? Thanks

[ateu]

Hello!

I am sorry to hear that you are struggling. There are many of us who have experienced similar situations and the confusion is just horrible.

Is she diagnosed with BPD?

My boyfriend is and the attention he is demanding is just too much. I don't know if this happened to you, but no matter how much love or attention I give, it's never enough.

I feel emotionally drained while he is seeing other girls. And when I confront him about that, he just says "I made him do it". He "needs" sex, attention and love, more than I can give.

I know how hard it is to deal with these people. The "love bombing" makes us feel like nobody can give us what they can. But we just have to ask ourselves if we really can put up with all the drama?

I don't know about you, but for me this relationship has lead me to feel guilty for things I actually don't think I need to feel guilty about, spending to much money on him, always feeling insecure about whether he is honest to me.

So I guess, you have to think really hard whether a change is possible? Is she in therapy or something? Did you adress her issues?

If not, I don't know, but the agony of being with someone with a mental illness can get to you. They deserve to be loved like anyone else, but don't sacrifice your own sanity on the way.

Wish you the best!

[Nflfans]

She never has been diagnosed or been to therapy. She had problems with her first marriage. She stated her ex became boring. She would complain he never could answer a question with yes or no that he would try to explain himself. Well, I understand why now, because I find myself doing the same thing. She will ask a question that if answered with a simple yes or no then she will use that against you, so I find myself feeling the need to explain or justify the yes or no before I answer. She has gone into a rage before if I didn't answer the question exactly in the words she wanted to hear! She said to me once, this is how i want you to answer and told me what to say... .When I read what I just typed boggles my mind... .how is this love? How does a partner treat someone they supposedly love like this? I walked away from her last Wednesday when I couldn't take it anymore... .The "straw" was in the local Walmart, shopping for items she needed. I proceeded to shop and pick up a few things while she went to restroom. She called me on my cellphone and as luck would have it my phone dropped the call in the store before we could talk. I tried texting where I was at but the text didn't go through either. She found me as I was trying to send the text, and first thing she said, " Was I on my phone? " because she claims I wouldn't answer if I was talking with someone else. I told her no and what took place with dropped call, so on and so on. Well, I started to push the shopping cart towards the next area we needed to go to and then I hear " Where are you going?" I looked back and she is standing there about 10 feet behind me. I said, " I thought you were behind me, I'm sorry I didn't know you weren't coming. She was putting her cellphone in her purse. I had to hear about not waiting for her until I politely asked if she could quit talking about it that I made a mistake, I'm sorry. When we reached the next aisle and stopped to look at phone cases, she started to say something again about me not being a " Gentleman". I responded and said, " There are times you just walk and I don't say anything ", I mean you are shopping so everyone looks around, right?. Anyway her response was " Well you don't have to worry about standing next to me from now on or wait on me, you're no Gentleman anyway". That hurt, but what was worse was the fact a Father and his son were right behind her and they looked at me. I was embarrassed, I don't know if she knew they were there, but it probably wouldn't have mattered. So to save face I stood there for a minute, then pushed the cart to another section to look at something else. Next thing she did is come around the corner and loudly says, " That's Classy, what a gentleman! " I guessed because I didn't stand back where she was at and take more abuse. At that point, I told her, " You know what, you're on your own" and I started to walk out of the store. We were near the back of store when this all took place, I walked to front and somewhere she came up behind me around 5 feet away and asked if I was leaving? We both had driven there because we met after work so it wasn't like I was stranding her there, but I looked at her and said, " I didn't deserve what you did so yes I'm leaving." I haven't spoken with her since. Was I wrong in reacting this way? Also, there has been a built-up of things prior to this. For example, I get yelled at if my cellphone is on vibrate mode when I'm with her because she accuses me that I don't want her to know if I get a text or phone call. That is the further-est thing from the truth, or I left it in my car one evening when i was at her house and was accused the same thing. I went and got it out of my car just to make her happy. I have never done anything in 4 years with her that I received any text or phone messages from another woman! I wanted this relationship to work so much that I compromised my tolerance of bad behavior to the point I couldn't take it anymore. It seems like every time I take a stand or set a boundary with her, she threatens to end the relationship. Another episode was when my roommate rented a movie to watch in our apartment on Halloween night, she was at her house with her kids and I wasn't part of the plans that night which was ok, she was with her kids. Anyway, she calls me in the middle of movie and I answered because if i didn't she would of blown up my phone until i answered, but she asked what i was doing? I told her I was in the middle of a movie that my roommate rented. She said " Ok, I don't want to interrupt I'll talk later. " I thought, wow that was nice, so I said " Ok, thanks I'll call you soon." She went crazy and started yelling because I chose to watch a movie rather than talk with her. That ended in a argument with her telling me she never wanted to see me again, that we were done. Please help me understand what I'm dealing with. I don't feel like I'm the problem, I have lost hope that things will change and get better. Be honest, every time I go back, it seems things get worse... .I been doing this for 4 years... .

[ateu]

"It seems like every time I take a stand or set a boundary with her, she threatens to end the relationship."

I think this is exactly it. You are trying to set perfectly normal standards but with some people that's just not possible.

Do you have some friends to talk to about this? Or maybe a therapist?

I just think there is no way of understanding those persons, unfortunately. But the important thing now is to remember that you are sane, and the boundaries you are trying to set are completely normal.

[MikeLondon]

Hi Nflfans, Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I was with BPDgf for 4 years, very loving at first, passionate, open, honest etc. Then it got very weird real quick. I was accused of making secret phone calls and stuff like that. If a call dropped she would say I was talking to someone else, another woman. It was the strangest thing. I tried everything I could to reassure or communicate better, nothing worked. I carried this on for more than 4 years, thinking if only I could get through to her, let her know how much she was loved. Didn't work, I had to get away on several occasions due to her rage. I really didn't know what to do, so I invariably went back for more, I thought we could have a great life if only I could convince and reassure her. I didn't know anything about BPD then. These boards have really helped me. I don't feel like it is just my fault,as she was always telling me. There is a lot of education here, too late for my r/s with UBPD gf but not too late to save my heart, soul and sanity. Hopefully you will get the help you need here.