Please tell me I am not crazy

[ateu]

Hi all.

My boyfriend doesn't live in the same country as me. He is diagnosed with BPD and some other things.

Recently, his mother passed away. He loved her very much and is in grief.

BUT... .he now started using drugs drugs and hooks up with as many girls as he can. Now, almost a month after his mothers passing, I told him I am not accepting this and that we should just be friends. He says he does that because of his grief.

What happens? He accuses me for judging him. He thinks that "I am selfish and should be happy for him", because he can have all these girls.

He doesn't even tell me about them. I checked the profile of someone sending him hearts and she had an open one. There were pictures of them hugging, kissing, in MY JACKET I left there.
She wrote "finally we are together again after some years apart, my soulmate!"

She posted videos "to my love X". Wrote "I am in love with your lips your eyes".

And I asked him, "what's up with you?", he answers "nothing to mention"

This is not the first time, but this time he give me suicide-threats and says maybe he plans to overdose. And that it's "really selfish of me saying anything about those girls and those drugs".

then HE unfriended me on Facebook.

Actually he has done that before, that was when I read his messages with another girl who he also say he really wanted, and not me.

I don't know how he turns this around like I should be feeling guilty if he dies, and I should really feel bad that I am judging him when he is just needing attention, hugs and love.

i am so exhausted. I can't handle him anymore.

[ArleighBurke]

Living WITH a BPD is extremely difficult - I expect it would be a LOT harder with him being in a different country... .

This is fairly standard BPD behaviour. And since he doesn't seem to think it is wrong at all, he will probably keep doing it. I believe you need to either accept it, or separate. It sounds like you cannot accept it - so perhaps it's time to move on... .

YOU said in May:

But when I hear from him I feel anxious because I know I should leave him.

It seems you know what you want to do, but you're holding on waiting for things to get better. Have things got any better since then?

[Notwendy]

No, you are not crazy. I think it would disturb most people to see their partner using drugs and hooking up.

PwBPD have difficulty managing their feelings and tend to project/blame others for their actions.
So it makes sense he would blame you if you are upset about his actions. However, if someone blames you for something, you can decide if it is true for you or not.

Really- think this out. Did you give him the drugs? Did you decide he should hook up? Did you force him in any way to do what he did? No- he chose to do this. This is his choice and his behavior. None of this is "your fault".

Does he like it if you say you are upset? Probably not, but who would like it if someone told them their behavior was bothering them? Sometimes we will say things people don't like to hear. Whose problem is that? It is not our problem to only have people feel nice things. What if he robbed a bank? Would you say "oh honey, that is OK" just because of his feelings? I hope not. You can say what you feel is OK and what isn't OK.

We can not control someone else's choices- and we have little control over the outcome of their choices sometimes. You really have little control over what he does and are not responsible for his choices.

What you do have control over is your choices. If you don't wish to have a relationship with someone who is behaving like he does, then you can choose to not be in one with him. Will he like it? Probably not, but that is his issue to deal with. The fear that he might OD is understandable, but the reality is that- every person who chooses to take dangerous drugs is taking on that risk themselves. We can fear for that person- but we can't control them. I hope it doesn't lead to this, but that part is beyond your control. What you can control is your decision about this relationship.

[ateu]

Thank you both for your answers!

And yes I wrote in may what I have known for a long time: He is not capable of living like an adult.

I think I stayed because he had a horrible accident (when drunk of course). This was not his fault, but I kind of came back when he was between life and death.

It's just... .yeah. I don't know. I think every time he acts normal for some time I get my hope up, but then it's the same thing all over.

Just this night, we had another conflict. "I always takes other people's sides", he claims. Well. I do. Because he demands too much of his friends, asks everybody to do things for him but doesn't give enough back. That's what I said, I said "you should be happy when people do things for you but you can not take it for granted. You overslept your flight, when I payed for the ticket. Did you apologize? No. You took for granted that I would buy you a new one, which I did. Can't you see how that is disturbing?"

No he can't. He will never be able to.

I guess what you say is true. It's his actions, not mine, that made this happen. I just need to remind myself over and over, that this behaivor is not my fault. It's just hard.

[ateu]

But actually what you say ring very true to me. If there's anything I have repeated to him constantly is "I am not responsible for you". And with that, I meant mostly financially, but also about life choices or how he goes about life in general.

"No I can see you are not. Because you are not taking care of me, you don't care about me and you are not willing to help me or give me the love that I give to you."

That would be his standard answers. I also remember all the times I've said ":)on't expect that of me, I am not your mother". I don't think it's normal to have to tell someone over and over, that I will never be a parent, I will not take care of him no matter what.

He even asked me that: "Where should I go if you through me out?"

I answered: "Wherever, go stay with some friends then until you find your place"

He continued: "Wrong answer. You should tell me "I will never through you out".

So I said: "What do you mean? If you did something awful, I could through you out, just like you could."

"No I would never through you out, and you don't do the same for me".

well... .

It's so confusing, because yes already a long time ago I thought I had enough. But then he has periods when he is normal. Discusses with me as an adult. But then his old self returns, and I just can't talk to him like an adult. That's what I mostly feel: I am not talking to an adult. I am talking to a child that is just playing on my feelings, or anyone elses, to get what he needs.

I can not speak about logic or actions and consequences. There are always some of his "needs" that he puts in front of everything.

He would be the greatest partner, if just... .he would grow up. I guess I waited to long. Should never let it go this far. But here I am.