Advice please

[bpdmom99]

I have really appreciated the many pieces of advice that I have heard from those of you on this message board.  Thank you.  It has helped me as I continue to try to gain an understanding of this journey with my daughter.

My ex-husband and I have been separated for 4 years.  My D15 lives with me and my partner full time.  Her continuing pattern is that she "holds it together" when she is with her dad ... .whether she stays with him for a few days or a few hours.  Inevitably, she always comes home and unleashes everything on me.  I have become her 'coping skill' in every situation.  It is too much for me to take, and I don't think it is good for her either.

The advice I have been hearing around me is that we need to force her to stay at her dads and meltdown in front of him, etc.  That as long as I am there to support her she is never going to change. (Whenever she calls or texts me during those times, I tell her that she needs to tell her dad ... .I don't rush in and 'rescue her'. Her dad cares and does the best he can - but he also ends up often doing and saying things that are triggering... .without realizing his role in things.  When we have done this in the past, he is always telling me that 'she is doing well' while at the same time she is telling me she is barely keeping it together and wants to kill herself.

I fear that me being 'here for her' (even when I put up boundaries when she is raging, etc) is keeping her in this cycle.

I feel like I rarely get the 'good' moments with my daughter ... .that I am constantly the one that is having to make difficult decisions and put up boundaries for her better good.  I know that is my job as her parent.   How can I approach this so that she doesn't see it as abandonment?

I want to do what is best for my daughter.  This is so hard.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

That has to feel unfair, BPDmom99. You become the target for the things your ex does 

When you mention advice about forcing her to stay there, do you mean that you pick her up earlier than planned? Is there a structure or routine in place for her to spend time with him, and you are (or she is?) cutting it short when she begins to unravel?

Also, the question about how to approach this so she doesn't see it as abandonment. That's tough, because from what I understand, abandonment is perceived whether it is there or not. She is abandoning her own individuation, in a sense.

Does she respond well to validating questions? This would allow you to validate how she feels while putting the responsibility for her to solve her distress herself.