Never saw this coming

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 13 and we have a toddler.

I found out 6 months ago that he has been having an affair with a very young girl (age difference bw them is 32 years).

The scary part for me was that he showed no remorse. He never said he was sorry. When I asked him if he regretted anything, he said no. He barely looked at me and was completely cold. He just didn't care. I did not recognize him at all.

Then I started therapy to try and make sense of this. My Dr. asked if he would be willing to come and give his side of things. He agreed, then tried to cancel, but eventually went. My Dr. described him as very evasive, extremely uncomfortable, and unwilling to make eye contact. Dr. said he couldn't diagnose but suspected he had BPD and was a narcissist.

After all this, we are still living together because I didn't ask him to leave. I worried about where he would go and when he would be able to see our child. I know I'm still in shock and struggling to let go. I still can't reconcile the man who used to tell me he loved me all the time and that I was his best friend with the man he's showing me now.

He's away most of the time for work, but continues to live his double life (he didn't want to tell anyone, especially his family). I know he's been keeping up his relationships (aside from the gf I also found chat rooms with multiple girls he was talking to). But then even after all of this, he comes home and acts so concerned and wants to do family things together (grocery shopping, going to dinner, movies etc). All it does is confuse me. I know he's just using me, but I'm struggling to understand what happened. (Our conversations are only superficial, nothing of meaning, he doesn't share anything with me, not even what his plans are, nothing)

I feel so angry sometimes. I really believed I had a good husband. I used to think I was so lucky. How could I have been so wrong? Looking back now, there were signs I just didn't want to see them.
 

[kikiwinks]

I've been with my husband for 14 years, married for 13 and we have a toddler.

I found out 6 months ago that he has been having an affair with a very young girl (age difference bw them is 32 years).

The scary part for me was that he showed no remorse. He never said he was sorry. When I asked him if he regretted anything, he said no. He barely looked at me and was completely cold. He just didn't care. I did not recognize him at all.

Then I started therapy to try and make sense of this. My Dr. asked if he would be willing to come and give his side of things. He agreed, then tried to cancel, but eventually went. My Dr. described him as very evasive, extremely uncomfortable, and unwilling to make eye contact. Dr. said he couldn't diagnose but suspected he had BPD and was a narcissist.

After all this, we are still living together because I didn't ask him to leave. I worried about where he would go and when he would be able to see our child. I know I'm still in shock and struggling to let go. I still can't reconcile the man who used to tell me he loved me all the time and that I was his best friend with the man he's showing me now.

He's away most of the time for work, but continues to live his double life (he didn't want to tell anyone, especially his family). I know he's been keeping up his relationships (aside from the gf I also found chat rooms with multiple girls he was talking to). But then even after all of this, he comes home and acts so concerned and wants to do family things together (grocery shopping, going to dinner, movies etc). All it does is confuse me. I know he's just using me, but I'm struggling to understand what happened. (Our conversations are only superficial, nothing of meaning, he doesn't share anything with me, not even what his plans are, nothing)

I feel so angry sometimes. I really believed I had a good husband. I used to think I was so lucky. How could I have been so wrong? Looking back now, there were signs I just didn't want to see them.
 

[jrharvey]

used to tell me he loved me all the time and that I was his best friend with the man he's showing me now.

I am so sorry for you. If he is a narcissist he may have never loved you. I know that hurts but its probably true. A narcissists love is directly related to all the things you can do for him and the amount of supply you can give him. If your fulfilling his every fantasy he loves you. When you no longer are able to live up to that he has no empathy and may even hate you for changing. He resents that. Then he is emotionally checked out. No empathy. No remorse. He is too busy thinking about how you are to blame for his cheating.

[kikiwinks]

Wow jrharvey, thank you!  It does hurt, but doses or reality like this really help me understand who I'm dealing with. Thanks for taking the time.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey kiki, Welcome!  I'm sorry to hear what you are going through.  What makes you think that your H has BPD, apart from the Dr.'s suspicions?  I suspect that you may have known something was wrong for a long time.  Did you?  If so, perhaps it's OK that the truth came out and the facts are on the table, because now you can work on what is best for you going forward.  It's about finding your path, I suggest, and returning the focus to you and your needs.  Fill us in, when you can.

LuckyJim

[kikiwinks]

Thanks LuckyJim. About him having BPD, I'm not sure exactly. He must know that what he's done has been very hurtful, but acts like it's normal. He tells me he "really cares" about me and that he will always love me. He comes home and tries to talk to me about politics and events in his day. He expects me to support him whenever he needs me, but continues his affair or affairs (I'm not sure if there's just one girl).

And yes, you're right I have felt that something was wrong for awhile. I begged him for 6 months to please tell me what was going on. He would say nothing's wrong, I love you, don't worry we'll get through this. A month before I found out, we had to put our little dog to sleep and it was very difficult for me. He kept hugging me and telling me he loved me. He was so loving and supportive. I didn't know at the time, but he'd already met this girl, slept with her, and was sending her money.

As much as this hurts, I am grateful that I know and that my physical health is not at risk anymore. I think now I need to keep waking up and figure out how to detach so I can begin healing. Easier said than done, bc I really did want this family.

Thanks again, LuckyJim.