Married with BPD person and we have 2 young children

[Genius]

I'm living with my husband with BPD and 2 young kids together in the Netherlands / Europe.
Unfortunately we are trying for almost 2 years to find back our relationship/love, after I discovered he had an affair and was cheating on me for few times. Also he had a drinking problem and mad very easily and many other difficult topics.
Despite the therapy we are taking together trying to work to eliminate the discussions / fights and also now he is seeing a psychiatrist, it is still not working. Maybe even getting worse.
Some days are ok/neutral, and it is just waiting time for the following discussion / fight or that he does not take his responsibility.

I'm now at the point that I need to go my own way to protect my energy and self esteem and to protect my kids for any further mental harm. I did my very best, but cannot change him. I can only change myself and make a better life for my kids showing the good example.

I would like to explain to him that he needs to go tho his parents to give me and the kids some air, and to avoid future conflicts so I get back my positive energy.

Could someone give me some advice how to handle? How to think clearly? What is the best to do for me and the kids before losing myself?

[julie frances lloyd]

Hi Genius,
The problems with my ex (subclinical BP) started after we got married before that we fought but managed to have disagreements that weren't too bad and there were a lot of fun, romantic times. He got the sense that he would not be a good Dad so we never had babies. It broke my heart and I moved on because I had been wanting babies since my 20s. It was sad but I never forced the issue. We got on pretty well before we were married.

[malibu4x]

Genius - sorry to hear you are going through this.

Please remember that if he has BPD, it is not his fault, just like a diabetic did not choose to be that way.
(That can help us to have compassion for their pain and the inner tornado of feelings going on inside them)
That can help us be grounded and mindful in our conversations and not escalate things from our side.

Is there anywhere else you can go with kids for a time (rather than pushing him out)?
I would suggest in a calm way you discuss that you love him, but that you are hurting each other too much and you need some space to regroup.

Are you ready to divorce, or just get space, and get help?

[Genius]

Hi Malibu4x,

Thank you for your message with positive advice. I try to act and respond in a way knowing that it was not his choice to be this way. The only thing is that I find it difficult to see things happening in front of me, although he is going to a psychiatrist. I know it takes time to get rid of ' bad behaviour' while this is embedded in your mind/daily life. But my idea is that he should learn from the meetings he has, that he can make his own decisions every day. For instance the decision not to get mad or project things on me, but keep calm also in front of the kids etcetera.

Also he does not read anything about it, he does not want to learn more about this subject for his own sake. He is seeing once every 2 weeks this psychiatrist, and he thinks that is enough. I don't know. I feel he does not want to see the big impact of (t)his problem.

But I do understand your comment and I need to feel and act a bit in a way its not his fault. But still I think every day you can act and behave and at least try to control yourself and also show love and empathy for me/kids when we need things (not when he need it). but this is exactly the dramatic problem that this is not possible for him. It is not in his vains.
Basically I really need to protect myself, I already showed compassion for 2 years!

I try to keep calm and do not give reaction or go into discussions with him. So I try to behave as the 'adult' and show responsibility to keep situation ok. So I try to stay grounded and mindful and not escalate things.

I discussed with him yesterday my wish for time-out and maybe we go away each for 1 week and the other stay in the house with the kids. In this way we take turns. That sounds fair also to him.
Basically I don't know if I still love him... .I need to figure that out.
Any advice?

[ArleighBurke]

Basically I don't know if I still love him... .I need to figure that out.

That's a very big question - but perhaps the wrong one to ask yourself. The thought that "I love him therefore we can make it work" is misguided. Someone said here a few weeks back: My love for him is unconditional, but my marriage with him has conditions. I thought that was powerful because it's true - even if you love someone, that may not be enough. I think there are many here who love their spouses, but still can't live with them.

So your question is probably: Can I live this way? If not, what needs to be different to be able to live with him? Is that possible?