Struggling with my daughter

[StrugglingMom]

My daughter is 12. Now that I look back, I see signs of some problems that I likely ignored or didn't think were important before. She used to hit herself in the face when she was a baby. When she was four and her sister was one, she would do things and blame her sister to get her sister in "trouble". In second grade her teacher called me because an aide told her that my daughter said I was dead. She's always been sort of self centered and manipulative.

She started seeing a counselor at 9. Then a psychiatrist and another therapist at 10. She was diagnosed with depression and put on medication. Things werent getting better and we added another medication half way through fifth grade. We saw a lot of changes! We thought things were getting better. Not perfect because she still was manipulative and stuff, but less trouble in school, less outbursts etc.

Things started going downhill again around April of this year. Severe mood swings, rapidly changing. She would be fine and then have a huge outburst for an hour or two and be okay again. We started with a new counselor and psychiatrist and playing around with medications. She was diagnosed with bipolar. This summer was really hard. At one point (I journal) she had a major emotional outbreak 21 out of 23 days in a row--crying, screaming, wanting to die, threatening to kill herself or to start cutting again. She has extreme jealousy. If she thinks a friend is prettier than her, when she is feeling bad she tries to cut contact and talks about how much she hates her and won't talk to her and then three days later she wants the friend to come over. She's always had up and down relationships with us and her friends. She rapidly changes what she wants between activities, because she becomes bored but each new thing is "it" and this will be what make her happy if she can just have it... .then it won't. She puts herself into situations where she knows she will become emotionally unstable. She's banged her head against things and grabbed a knife and threatened to kill herself. We thought we had things semi- under control recently. We had a great six weeks but now in the last week, we've had three huge incidents. I spoke with her psychiatrist on the phone today and she said it could be borderline but they try to stay away from that diagnosis until 18. She told me to read up on that and bipolar. It could be one or both of those. I'm worried about my younger daughter who has to see and deal with this--who sometimes gets pushed to the sidelines because we're so busy dealing with her older sister. I just don't know what to do. We're always walking on eggshells in our own house not wanting to disrupt her.

On the outside, so many people wouldn't realize how deep her problems go. She has friends and participates in activities and is active, but it can change and does at the drop of the hat and it's like she's a different kid.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[livednlearned]

Hi StrugglingMom,

I'm so sorry for what brings you here. It's heartbreaking to see our kids experience such out-of-control emotions. Others here know your pain.

The reluctance to diagnosis a child with BPD is somewhat controversial. You may want to read Blaise Aguirre's book BPD in Adolescence -- he feels strongly that it makes no sense to wait until 18, as though there is something magical about that age. Which also happens to be the age after which you have little to no input into your adult child's mental health recovery.

Your D12 may need DBT, tho there are other evidence-based treatments. A few good books to help you with the non-intuitive communication skills that may help: Loving Someone With BPD by Shari Manning and Valerie Porr's book (title escapes me). I also found I Hate You Don't Leave Me had a good section on the kinds of double bind scenarios that people with BPD coping mechanisms tend to engage, lacking the needed skills to ask for what they want directly.

Glad you found the site -- it really does help to talk to other parents who are walking with you on this path.

LnL

[StrugglingMom]

Thank you for the reply. I appreciate it. I will look up the books. it's so hard to see your child struggle and to not be able to control her emotions. It's so hard on her.

[bpdmom99]

Hi Struggling mom,
your stories sound very familiar.  Our psychiatrist was very reluctant to diagnose my D15 with BPD for the same reasons that you state.  I agree with livednlearned ... .my best advice is to read, read, read up on BPD and get your daughter involved in DBT therapy.  Whether she ends up being diagnosed with BPD or not, all of the information is valuable in terms of communication styles and helping to regulate behaviour.

Having said all of that - after my daughter ended up in hospital recently after multiple admissions, her psychiatrist finally stated that - even though he doesn't necessarily agree with diagnosing someone under 18 with BPD - in her case, she was serious enough and such a classic case that he felt it would be unethical not to diagnose her.  So you never know what can happen.  But in the meantime, keep reading and engage in this very informative site.  It is helpful to be able to share with others and know that you are not alone.

[Bright Day Mom]

Hi StrugglingMom, I join the others in welcoming you to BPD Fam

Our D16 was finally dx w/BPD this past winter after many hospitalizations / med cocktails.  I agree with everything the other members have said, good stuff!

I think it isn't so much being labeled BPD, but for your family and the doc to treat it as a possibility.  The younger she is in seeking treatment, often the better the outcome.  The lessons and tools to the right is a wonderful place to start, as well as all the books mentioned in previous posts.  Her dr. may put her on a mood stabilizer if she isn't already on one and that coupled with therapy will hopefully get her moving in the right direction. 

Our D recently completed a residential program and I think the best component was our weekly family sessions. I found the sessions so educational and insightful. We learned better communication as a family, lots of work and practice.

[StrugglingMom]

She is on a mood stabilizer. She's on Lamictal and abilify. I think we need to consider some family therapy because right now, we're all on edge.

Hi StrugglingMom, I join the others in welcoming you to BPD Fam

Our D16 was finally dx w/BPD this past winter after many hospitalizations / med cocktails.  I agree with everything the other members have said, good stuff!

I think it isn't so much being labeled BPD, but for your family and the doc to treat it as a possibility.  The younger she is in seeking treatment, often the better the outcome.  The lessons and tools to the right is a wonderful place to start, as well as all the books mentioned in previous posts.  Her dr. may put her on a mood stabilizer if she isn't already on one and that coupled with therapy will hopefully get her moving in the right direction. 

Our D recently completed a residential program and I think the best component was our weekly family sessions. I found the sessions so educational and insightful. We learned better communication as a family, lots of work and practice.

[Bright Day Mom]

I know the "on-edge" feeling all too well.  Family therapy, though many teens are not willing, truly can lifesaving.

My D was on Lamictal and Abilify and several other combos b4 we scrapped them all and started from scratch.  Do you keep a journal of her treatment?  I do and found it a helpful resource when speaking with Dr. about meds / changes/ moods, etc.  Could the meds be making her feel worse? 

Unfortunately there is no quick-fix, keep moving forward in educating yourself and keep posting, I find it therapeutic in itself.