Legal Strategies?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hello!
I'd like to preface this by saying thank you to those who replied to my post from around 5 months ago or so on another board. I had to step away from this website for a bit since sometimes reading the message boards can trigger me (i.e., feelings of frustration, anger, etc -- you know, all the things you feel when you interact with someone who has BPD !), but I did appreciate all the comments and warm words. I've come to realize that my mom probably has uBPD -- which is why certain BPD actions tend to trigger me (SIGH... .family systems, am I right?).

That said, I'm looking for some ideas for possible proactive & offensive legal strategies for my dBF (did I use that correctly?). Long story short, my bf has quite an uphill battle. He currently only has very limited supervised visits with his s2 that he agreed to in mediation (he decided to settle on this current arrangement when he was seeking 50/50) but his end goal is still 50/50.

His reason for settling in mediation prior to court was because he believes the court will view him as an addict & domestic abuser. The evidence she produced during mediation that made him settle was:

• Documentation of drug use (marijuana)
• DUI received during the custody proceedings (no excuses -- the custody proceedings must have taken a toll, but he quit drinking after that incident and is completely sober)
• Repeated history of vehicle violations (i.e., traffic tickets, etc)
• Domestic violence claim supported by s2's pediatric doctor (negative advocate) -- doctor submitted a DV statement
• Journal from BPDex's mom (who is an enabler and probably uBPD herself) documenting my dBF's domestic violence (all lies, and none of BPDex's actual abuse is documented (she physically abused my bf on numerous occasions)

She also filed and extended a temporary restraining order against my dBF which he "accepted" (idk the proper terminology) but denied all allegations. So as you can see, on paper my bf looks TERRIBLE -- but in reality, in my opinion, he is the better parent overall.

During mediation she was completely unreasonable (surprise, surprise). He asked for tiered custody (idk if that's what it's called, when you incrementally increase custody times) -- denied. He sought out therapy and his BPDex used that against him (saying he's clearly unstable for seeking out therapy) and pulled his therapist reports to demonstrate anger issues. Pretty much the definition of unreasonable. Unfortunately she is also surrounded by a ton of enablers and negative advocates, including her attorney, and is high functioning with enough of a bank account to continue this charade for years to come.

My dBF is pretty drained (both emotionally and financially) and has absolutely no faith in the legal system.

He is planning on asking (through his attorney) for increased custody in the upcoming months, but is expecting that request to be denied.

We are currently:

• Documenting everything (OFW & I keep a journal for him)

... .But aside from that, not much. I suggested volunteering (which was suggested to me by an attorney) but my bf doesn't seem to keen on that. I also suggested he speak to a new attorney, which he is open to -- but will be dependent on finances. He is jaded by therapy (as it was used against him in the past) but says he's going to see a therapist again to "check the box." He seems to be under the impression that if he "checks off all the boxes" (i.e., positive evaluations from supervised visits, etc) he'll eventually get custody. He's also pretty passive in his fight and is afraid to do anything because he's afraid that it'll be used against him/ won't go his way (as demonstrated by him settling for supervised visits prior to seeing a judge ... .he honestly believed the judge would rule that he could not see s2 at all)... .and if I'm going to be honest, I'm sure he's just tired in dealing with his BPDex in general. At this point s2 = BPWex so I can see why he'd be a little passive and tired.

My best idea is to fight fire with fire so-to-speak. She is using the court system to drain him financially (in addition to the CS he pays every month for a son he rarely ever sees) in hopes that he'll eventually be forced to give up (he used all his financial resources in the first custody proceeding and has nothing left). My thoughts are if he has enough documentation showing how he wants to avoid the court system, and even utilizing their attorneys (sans when necessary), to save up financial resources for s2 and she denies his requests (in writing) that the courts will be more likely to give him more custody as it'll be apparent she's not looking into s2's best interests. 

I'm also going to encourage him to pull his records from the supervised visits so that when he asks for increased custody in the upcoming months, he'll have documentation of good parenting.

Aside from that, I don't have much. I'm thinking he should ask for something substantial in this second go-around in the upcoming months (knowing it'll be denied), but have no idea what that could be? Non-supervised visits (currently he only sees s2 once a week for 1.5 hours)? Every other weekend? Tiered custody (?) again? And also I'm not even sure if the financial legal defense is the best idea? (I read somewhere about a judge favoring a parent and citing an email that he wrote about how he spent over $40k in legal fees and wanted to stop the custody battle as it was draining resources from their children). Due to s2's age (and the perception of my dBF as an abuser) I'm guessing he won't get much this second go-around (and he's not going to press further if he gets denied, just wants to document it at this point)... .but he should definitely have more than he currently has, and continue to get more until he's at 50/50.

Also, does he need to continue to go through his attorney when asking for increased custody? He seems to be under the impression that he should... .but I don't see why OFW couldn't be used for those purposes? 

Any thoughts / strategies/ idea/ comments/ words of encouragement/ etc would be greatly appreciated... .and at the very least, thanks for allowing me to VENT!

[cdizzle]

Hello!
I'd like to preface this by saying thank you to those who replied to my post from around 5 months ago or so on another board. I had to step away from this website for a bit since sometimes reading the message boards can trigger me (i.e., feelings of frustration, anger, etc -- you know, all the things you feel when you interact with someone who has BPD !), but I did appreciate all the comments and warm words. I've come to realize that my mom probably has uBPD -- which is why certain BPD actions tend to trigger me (SIGH... .family systems, am I right?).

That said, I'm looking for some ideas for possible proactive & offensive legal strategies for my dBF (did I use that correctly?). Long story short, my bf has quite an uphill battle. He currently only has very limited supervised visits with his s2 that he agreed to in mediation (he decided to settle on this current arrangement when he was seeking 50/50) but his end goal is still 50/50.

His reason for settling in mediation prior to court was because he believes the court will view him as an addict & domestic abuser. The evidence she produced during mediation that made him settle was:

• Documentation of drug use (marijuana)
• DUI received during the custody proceedings (no excuses -- the custody proceedings must have taken a toll, but he quit drinking after that incident and is completely sober)
• Repeated history of vehicle violations (i.e., traffic tickets, etc)
• Domestic violence claim supported by s2's pediatric doctor (negative advocate) -- doctor submitted a DV statement
• Journal from BPDex's mom (who is an enabler and probably uBPD herself) documenting my dBF's domestic violence (all lies, and none of BPDex's actual abuse is documented (she physically abused my bf on numerous occasions)

She also filed and extended a temporary restraining order against my dBF which he "accepted" (idk the proper terminology) but denied all allegations. So as you can see, on paper my bf looks TERRIBLE -- but in reality, in my opinion, he is the better parent overall.

During mediation she was completely unreasonable (surprise, surprise). He asked for tiered custody (idk if that's what it's called, when you incrementally increase custody times) -- denied. He sought out therapy and his BPDex used that against him (saying he's clearly unstable for seeking out therapy) and pulled his therapist reports to demonstrate anger issues. Pretty much the definition of unreasonable. Unfortunately she is also surrounded by a ton of enablers and negative advocates, including her attorney, and is high functioning with enough of a bank account to continue this charade for years to come.

My dBF is pretty drained (both emotionally and financially) and has absolutely no faith in the legal system.

He is planning on asking (through his attorney) for increased custody in the upcoming months, but is expecting that request to be denied.

We are currently:

• Documenting everything (OFW & I keep a journal for him)

... .But aside from that, not much. I suggested volunteering (which was suggested to me by an attorney) but my bf doesn't seem to keen on that. I also suggested he speak to a new attorney, which he is open to -- but will be dependent on finances. He is jaded by therapy (as it was used against him in the past) but says he's going to see a therapist again to "check the box." He seems to be under the impression that if he "checks off all the boxes" (i.e., positive evaluations from supervised visits, etc) he'll eventually get custody. He's also pretty passive in his fight and is afraid to do anything because he's afraid that it'll be used against him/ won't go his way (as demonstrated by him settling for supervised visits prior to seeing a judge ... .he honestly believed the judge would rule that he could not see s2 at all)... .and if I'm going to be honest, I'm sure he's just tired in dealing with his BPDex in general. At this point s2 = BPWex so I can see why he'd be a little passive and tired.

My best idea is to fight fire with fire so-to-speak. She is using the court system to drain him financially (in addition to the CS he pays every month for a son he rarely ever sees) in hopes that he'll eventually be forced to give up (he used all his financial resources in the first custody proceeding and has nothing left). My thoughts are if he has enough documentation showing how he wants to avoid the court system, and even utilizing their attorneys (sans when necessary), to save up financial resources for s2 and she denies his requests (in writing) that the courts will be more likely to give him more custody as it'll be apparent she's not looking into s2's best interests. 

I'm also going to encourage him to pull his records from the supervised visits so that when he asks for increased custody in the upcoming months, he'll have documentation of good parenting.

Aside from that, I don't have much. I'm thinking he should ask for something substantial in this second go-around in the upcoming months (knowing it'll be denied), but have no idea what that could be? Non-supervised visits (currently he only sees s2 once a week for 1.5 hours)? Every other weekend? Tiered custody (?) again? And also I'm not even sure if the financial legal defense is the best idea? (I read somewhere about a judge favoring a parent and citing an email that he wrote about how he spent over $40k in legal fees and wanted to stop the custody battle as it was draining resources from their children). Due to s2's age (and the perception of my dBF as an abuser) I'm guessing he won't get much this second go-around (and he's not going to press further if he gets denied, just wants to document it at this point)... .but he should definitely have more than he currently has, and continue to get more until he's at 50/50.

Also, does he need to continue to go through his attorney when asking for increased custody? He seems to be under the impression that he should... .but I don't see why OFW couldn't be used for those purposes? 

Any thoughts / strategies/ idea/ comments/ words of encouragement/ etc would be greatly appreciated... .and at the very least, thanks for allowing me to VENT!

[ForeverDad]

"Family systems" ... .you'll probably see it described here as FOO (family of origin).

Hmm, I may reply out of order but here are some thoughts.

He did not have to settle in mediation on her terms.  What I mean is that courts prefer mediation and settlement talks but it is not a requirement.  I'm suspecting that he caved to her intimidating approach rather than stand firm and say, "We're too far apart to agree, this will have to be addressed in court."  Typically court will be less unfair than any crumbs we can get from an entitled Ex.  Let us know if that's not the case in your area.

More and more states are decriminalizing marijuana.  I'm not stating whether that's right or not - I think today's marijuana has higher concentrations of active ingredients these days than decades ago - just noting that courts would see it as minimal impact as compared to harder drugs.

One DUI does not prove a pattern.  If the child was not in his care at that incident then he could have that minimized.  Remember, court is most concerned about impacts on the children.  If the child was not at risk, then the issue should eventually age out (become legally "stale" and more or less go away.  Not sure how to minimize that past, perhaps taking periodic drug/alcohol tests?  (If she has a history of drug/alcohol use then if drug testing becomes part of the order he should fight to make both parents subject to testing.  Why do I emphasize the equal scrutiny?  Right now she's been the one making all the allegations.  That means only he may be scrutinized, therefore he needs to find any and every way to get her equally under scrutiny.

I think traffic tickets would be of minimal concern to family court.  Many locations get accused of using traffic tickets as an income stream.  Of importance too, is that pattern also receding into the past?  The older they get, the less importance they have.

DV claim... .I too faced allegations from my then-separated spouse.  I had just filed for divorce seeking custody of our preschooler so naturally she responded also seeking custody and simultaneously filed for stalking and harassment protection.  One of her complaints was that I was calling every day.  Duh, I was trying to reach my son and she was not allowing my calls to reach him.  (Every VM I left was addressed to him, not his mother.)

If you do get protection from Ex or Ex gets protection from you, that does not automatically extend to the children.  It depends on the circumstances.  That's what happened to me.  When I filed for divorce and custody, my then-stbEx counter-filed for custody and protection for both herself and our preschooler.  Though small, there was a risk of judge deciding to issue an order for up to 5 years.  So we settled for us keeping separate for a few months (without any finding of guilt) and parenting aspects handled by the family court's temporary order.  She tried to block my parenting time but failed, family court didn't consider me a danger to our child.

One possible solution could be to present to the court a mutual NC order where no guilt was admitted, no finding of guilt and the order couldn't be extended.  (That's a deal my lawyer worked out in my divorce when my lawyer was able to limit the extent of my Ex's civil court complaint.  But at the same time I was able to get a parenting order over in divorce/family court.  As my lawyer asked me of my Ex, "You don't care to see her, do you?  This way she 'wins' her order for a few months without you admitting anything but you get to see your son through the other court."

It would have been better if he would have declared an impasse in mediation and then sought an in-depth custody evaluation (CE) in court.  That didn't happen but he can still maintain that stance, seeking 50/50, as he heads to court.  Yes, getting minimal time now looks bad but I believe court will allow a CE before final orders are issued.  (Get local legal advice about how to do that most effectively.)

[ForeverDad]

Did he have a lawyer when he went though the mediation process?  If he did, dump that lawyer, well, unless he heard the lawyer's exhaustive review but went against his lawyer's advice.  He does not need an expensive lawyer, he just needs a proactive, assertive lawyer.  That may be expensive or not.

Did he have adequate representation?  If not, then he could take the stance that (1) he had inadequate representation and/or (2) his ex intimidated him by her aggressive and extreme allegations.

He can categorically and clearly state that none of his past actions merit supervised visitation, something that typically is appropriate only for "substantive child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect."  Relatively minor squabble don't apply.

Yes, because he 'agreed' to her terms in mediation, it may be hard to overcome (a judge may say, "well, you agreed to it!" but he can seek to have a do-over or an updated order, that is was only to be temporary until the court and professional could review everything.

Hmm, how long has this settlement been in effect?  Is it just a settlement, a temporary order (cases often start that way) or an order?  I found some of this in a prior post.  I was intrigued by his lawyer's comment, "he'll have a better chance when they go back to court again because the BPDex essentially played all her cards".  We're not lawyers here but I wonder if the lawyer was saying that once an issue has been addressed and resolved then it can't be rehashed over and over again?

... .as a "severe blamer" his son's mom wasn't willing to work with him at all, so for him to get any time his attorney encouraged him to settle for what he has now. She also advised him to settle for what he has now because his BPDex "won't be able to bring any of this back up in court" (i.e., "drug abuse," etc) so she thinks he'll have a better chance when they go back to court again because the BPDex essentially played all her cards (although I highly doubt that).

I should also mention that she has filed a TRO against him twice -- she initially tried to file one for 18 years for her and their son (LOL), but only got it approved for just herself (not the son) and for one year. Once the year mark came up she filed AGAIN (claiming that he tried to friend her on facebook) -- she got that one approved for 9 months although she was seeking 3 years (my boyfriend opted to not fight that TRO and accepted it (he says due to finances), but denied all the claims -- at this same court hearing he was able to get OFW approved as a means of communication).

Once that 9 months expires - when? - does his supervised requirement expire?

[cdizzle]

Thanks so much, @ForeverDad! Your responses are always well thought out and a ton of wisdom and advice -- greatly appreciated.  

He did not have to settle in mediation on her terms.  What I mean is that courts prefer mediation and settlement talks but it is not a requirement.  I'm suspecting that he caved to her intimidating approach rather than stand firm and say, "We're too far apart to agree, this will have to be addressed in court."  Typically court will be less unfair than any crumbs we can get from an entitled Ex.  Let us know if that's not the case in your area.

Yes! Exactly. He completely caved because he was afraid the court would rule in her favor -- so he accepted her crumbs, believing he wasn't going to get any type of meal (to continue with the analogy). When I speak to him about perhaps being more "firm" and not caving to her demands in the future, his go-to response is always "I do not want to risk my relationship with my son -- so I will do what she wants." Any suggestions on how I can approach this topic in a manner that helps him recognize that indeed, he probably WILL get more from the courts and also that by bowing down to her demands does not mean that he will actually have a relationship with his son but in fact may prevent it even further?

More and more states are decriminalizing marijuana.  I'm not stating whether that's right or not - I think today's marijuana has higher concentrations of active ingredients these days than decades ago - just noting that courts would see it as minimal impact as compared to harder drugs.

One DUI does not prove a pattern.  If the child was not in his care at that incident then he could have that minimized.  Remember, court is most concerned about impacts on the children.  If the child was not at risk, then the issue should eventually age out (become legally "stale" and more or less go away.  Not sure how to minimize that past, perhaps taking periodic drug/alcohol tests?  (If she has a history of drug/alcohol use then if drug testing becomes part of the order he should fight to make both parents subject to testing.  Why do I emphasize the equal scrutiny?  Right now she's been the one making all the allegations.  That means only he may be scrutinized, therefore he needs to find any and every way to get her equally under scrutiny.

I think traffic tickets would be of minimal concern to family court.  Many locations get accused of using traffic tickets as an income stream.  Of importance too, is that pattern also receding into the past?  The older they get, the less importance they have.

Yes -- that's what we're thinking with the drug / DUI/ traffic ticket situation. He's almost 2 years out at this point on these accusations, been sober for the past 2 years as well, and is willing to do sporadic drug tests (he completed 2 drug tests during the custody proceedings and passed both) so we're thinking this will just naturally ~phase out~ as a point of concern. He hasn't had any traffic tickets (DUI aside) in over 5 years -- so we're thinking that he'll be OK with time. And yes, I completely agree -- she should also be subject to drug tests as well, too. She is an alcoholic (when she was pregnant she would grab bottles of alcohol and threaten to drink them when she was upset with my dBF -- tbd if she actually drank during pregnancy, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did).

DV claim... .I too faced allegations from my then-separated spouse.  I had just filed for divorce seeking custody of our preschooler so naturally she responded also seeking custody and simultaneously filed for stalking and harassment protection.  One of her complaints was that I was calling every day.  Duh, I was trying to reach my son and she was not allowing my calls to reach him.  (Every VM I left was addressed to him, not his mother.)

Omg... .they truly are predictable aren't they, . My dBF's filed her TRO / DV as soon as he filed for custody and one her complaints was that he was harassing her via calls/texts because, yes, he was trying to coordinate visitation with his son (which she controlled). She also claimed child abuse since he fed his son and then his son threw up (because he was a BABY) stating that he overfed him as a form of abuse. It's truly astounding (but not really... .just sad).

It would have been better if he would have declared an impasse in mediation and then sought an in-depth custody evaluation (CE) in court.  That didn't happen but he can still maintain that stance, seeking 50/50, as he heads to court.  Yes, getting minimal time now looks bad but I believe court will allow a CE before final orders are issued.  (Get local legal advice about how to do that most effectively.)

I forgot to mention that he did complete a CE during these first round of custody proceedings. The CE essentially ruled in BPDex's favor which is why he folded and gave into her demands -- knowing that the CE's recommendation is a huge influence in what the courts ultimately decide. Since he's completed one CE would it be recommended to do another? Should he complete it prior to court (knowing that's where we're going to end up) or wait until court to complete the CE? My long term legal strategy is the build up my bf's case as a good father while also demonstrating a pattern of behavior that she is unwilling to co-parent -- however, I don't want to get a CE involved until we are 100% ready to head to court.

[cdizzle]

Did he have a lawyer when he went though the mediation process?  If he did, dump that lawyer, well, unless he heard the lawyer's exhaustive review but went against his lawyer's advice.  He does not need an expensive lawyer, he just needs a proactive, assertive lawyer.  That may be expensive or not.

Did he have adequate representation?  If not, then he could take the stance that (1) he had inadequate representation and/or (2) his ex intimidated him by her aggressive and extreme allegations.

He can categorically and clearly state that none of his past actions merit supervised visitation, something that typically is appropriate only for "substantive child abuse, child endangerment or child neglect."  Relatively minor squabble don't apply.

Yes, because he 'agreed' to her terms in mediation, it may be hard to overcome (a judge may say, "well, you agreed to it!" but he can seek to have a do-over or an updated order, that is was only to be temporary until the court and professional could review everything.

He did have an attorney but "adequate" is definitely up for debate. I firmly believe his attorney was a passive paper pusher and she even encouraged my dBF to settle for what he currently has because his BPDex was so unwilling to budge. A friend of mine also went through a custody battle and recommended an attorney (idk how proactive he is) so we're going to look at him; that attorney is a former Family Court judge... .so I'm thinking he may be a little more proactive and at the very least, he knows the judges so would have a good idea of what a judge may ultimately decide.

Can you clarify what "substantive" means? Whenever we talk it sounds like there is "substantive" evidence against him (i.e., statement from pediatrician; BPDex's mom's journal & she also had pictures of some marijuana paraphernalia that she presented in the case) -- so I'm not exactly sure how we can fight those claims?

Hmm, how long has this settlement been in effect?  Is it just a settlement, a temporary order (cases often start that way) or an order?  I found some of this in a prior post.  I was intrigued by his lawyer's comment, "he'll have a better chance when they go back to court again because the BPDex essentially played all her cards".  We're not lawyers here but I wonder if the lawyer was saying that once an issue has been addressed and resolved then it can't be rehashed over and over again?

Once that 9 months expires - when? - does his supervised requirement expire?

That is a great question and I should definitely clarify exactly what he has -- what is the difference between a settlement and an order? I want to say that it's a court order (he said a judge signed off) but honestly I have no idea. The order was finalized last November with a decree saying that they can revisit the order after one year (so maybe that means it was temporary?).

And yes, that is exactly what the lawyer was saying -- that once the issue has been addressed and resolved, that it can't be rehashed again. So basically, because he agreed to the terms of being an addict & abuser, they can no longer use that against him in court as a reason he's an unfit parent. So basically, if they want to prove addict & abuser again (since his current strategy is to prove that he's been "reformed", they'll need to find new evidence rather than using the old ones. Is that true? And if that's the case, does that mean that he can't use what was presented in his case against her?

As for the 9 month TRO it expired at the beginning of this month so it's no longer in place. Unfortunately no, the supervised requirement does not expire with that -- as that's what the current visitation order/settlement is. Although now that the year is up he is planning to challenge the custody arrangement again.

He/ we are definitely in no place to take this to court YET (sadly, we're thinking it may be another 2-3 years before we're ready to go to court), but I do firmly believe that he should ask for something more now that the year is up and the TRO is no longer in place. However, I'm not sure which way to go about it -- and what/how to even ask for it.

[cdizzle]

Hello @ForeverDad / anyone reading,
So I had a pretty good conversation with my dBF and clarified a lot of the stuff surrounding his custody and what happened during the proceedings (the whole court thing is completely foreign to me and his explanations haven't been the clearest so it's taken some time to grasp a lot of things, but I think I have a good understanding and eventually I'll read the actual court documents).

In short, yes -- it is an order that was signed off by the judge. The stipulation was after one year they could revisit custody / visitation. While I still feel he could've pushed harder in the mediation, my bf believes this was the best recourse he could've chosen with his options and wanting to avoid court (for now). His fear of court is that he doesn't think he has enough documentation to ensure 50/50 (the CE he had was also not in his favor so I think that's what sealed the deal to settle) so he's trying to establish this now while in the system. His reason for not going into impasse while in mediation was he wanted visitation in writing since she wasn't giving him anything at all prior.

As for the "evidence" against him (i.e., BPDex's moms journal, doctors note, etc) -- none of this was actually presented at the mediation, the only thing presented was a police report that was filed against him when they broke up ( s2 was only about a month old); she called the cops when my bf tried to introduce his dog to s2 (she always had issues with the dog and I'm sure was threatened by his presence... .BPD craziness to the max and a red flag my dBF just completely ignored, but I digress ). The police report is not very favorable (my bf was obviously very elevated and can get a little mouthy at times), but that was the only thing presented.

Everything else (doctors note, abuse / drug accusations, etc) was presented at the TRO hearings that he "accepted" but admitted no guilt. He said that since the judge made no ruling (and he stipulated in accepting the TRO that he denied all accusations and was only agreeing to avoid disrupting his sons home life with more court hearings) that those accusations won't be considered "fact" when they go back into custody/ visitation negotiations... Meaning - she'll probably try to use those against him again, but by then (probably over 3+ years out when we go to court) the point will be diluted. As for the journal, just a threat given by BPDex's mom, never presented, but same thing -- will probably be diluted/ a moot point at the next go around.

For his next steps, my bf is planning on asking her directly (thru writing) to amend the custody visitation/ agreement. We are expecting a "no" then will contact the attorney to see if they can negotiate. Probably another "no" -- rinse, cycle, repeat until my bf feels ready to go to court.

That said, in the requests sent directly to her in writing (since our plans are to use in evidence) what should we include? I was thinking we should include the following, but wasn't sure if this was too much / too little:

• Parenting plan (through age 7? Is there a specific age? I'm concerned about schooling and I want my bf to have a say before kindergarten (private schools are huge where we live... .So I'm afraid she may try to get him to $$$ which he cannot afford)
• Mentioning of finances / avoiding court & associated fees to save resources for s2
• Evidence/ documentation of strong parenting (from supervised visits)
• ? Anything else?

I emphasize the finances because I feel like that's the one thing that CAN'T logically be argued ("yes, Your Honor, I completely ignored my son's bio dad's pleas to avoid court and save resources for our son because... .*insert BPD reasoning here*" and because his CS payments are pretty substantial, so in order to save up for another battle he's going to need to get a PT job. But If he's working PT (on top of his FT) she may try to use that against him and say he's not available enough to parent (even tho he's getting the job so he CAN parent... Sigh, hideous cycle)... .Or even try to increase his CS payments.

Wow! That was a ton. I do want to say thanks again @ForeverDad for all your kind words, knowledge and wisdom -- I've been reading through some older threads and you, and many other members of this community, have provided so much help and wisdom and given amazing advice over the years -- incredibly grateful. I also found it sad, yet encouraging (in a weird way), that there are so many similar stories that seem to unfold as if my bf was telling his story. Encouraging because there is proof it can get better and maybe his situation isn't as hopeless as I originally thought -- sad because it seems like a draining, never ending battle at times where the main casualty is an innocent mind.  

Thank you, and this entire board and community, for everything.

[ForeverDad]

It is pretty standard that parents are not to return to re-litigate their orders until at least a year passes.  (Contempt of Court motions can be any time since it means the other parent didn't follow the order.)

I believe a Change of Circumstances motion is required to make major changes to orders.  For example, I exited my divorce with equal time in Shared Parenting or joint custody. It didn't work so after about a year and a half I filed CofC seeking both custody and majority time.  That in itself took 17-18 months from start to finish.  For that reason I suggest you don't wait too long to seek positive changes to your current order.

Now that the stay away order has ended, has she been ramping up the conflict?  She probably hates that it ended, it means she has lost some control over him, and is very determined to make him look bad again.  She's likely to make new allegations either out of thin air, trumped up, set up, framed or twisting reality of what really happened.  Be aware. Beware.

Courts generally look at older documentation as being less actionable.  Individual events can become 'stale' in as little as 6 months.  I recall when I first separated and was testifying about what she had done, starting with most recent and going back from there, the magistrate stopped me once I got to 6 months before we had filed.  Not six months before my testimony, six months before we started the case.  So even though the case moved slowly, the delays didn't age out my reports.

Lawyer.  Yes, you need a proactive lawyer.  One question you can ask all interviewed attorneys in initial consultations is this:  "If you were facing a very high conflict divorce or custody case such as this, who would YOU choose to be your attorney?"  That is definitely a proper question.  Don't be timid, lawyers know they're not going to get everyone walking in the door as a client.  Move the names you hear higher on your interview list.

Custody Evaluation.  I think a Custody Evaluation is ordered by the court so probably has to be within an ongoing case.  Same as with a lawyer, don't think just any CE is okay.  You already know the past one is probably no good.  Once you get an experienced and proactive attorney, you can ask which CE's have a solid reputation.  Choose from among that short list.  If Ex is likely to oppose the selection of any CE you pick, then this is a proven alternative:  You make a short list of CE's that are recommended as solid.  Present it to the court and state you're willing to let Ex choose from your short list.  That way (1) both parents are involved in the selections and (2) you know whomever she picks will probably do a fair evaluation.  Courts will probably like that approach.

Frankly, the sooner he gets out from under that supervised restriction, the better.  His child's early years are the most formative

At the least, he should seek equal time - always keeping that as what he believes is best for his child - but have the stance that he and his child can live (for now) with alternate weekends and an overnight or two in between.  That is a MINIMUM STANDARD for parents not viewed as abusive, endangering or neglectful.  She may squawk and squeal but court knows that is the standard minimum unless there is reason to deviate.

Understand too that once supervised is past then dad should get his alternating holidays as well as the regular allotments of vacation time.  Remember, if dad is not seen as needing supervision then he should get the usual things dads get even if it is minority time.  Don't let her box him in.  Remember, if she refuses then he turns to the court for a decision and almost surely the court's decision will be (much) less unfair than what mother would grant.

What did I mean by 'substantive' abuse, endangerment or neglect?

• She claims he didn't feed child supper or enough supper.  Not substantive.
• She claims child is underweight and seldom fed.  Could be substantive, merits investigation.
• He claims mother ranted and raged around the child.  Probably not substantive, courts expect kids to learn how to handle both good and bad.
• He claims mother ranted and raged at the child.  Might be substantive, may merit investigation.
• Son went to bed at 11 pm.  Not substantive.
• Son got sick and mother wants son returned immediately.  Not substantive.  Most dads can care for sick children too.

Long term the child should get into counseling (with an experienced counselor, perhaps picked the same way as the CE is selected, above) since parents so seldom agree, child needs to learn how to handle the conflict over years.  Child needs emotionally neutral and trained guidance.  Once in school he can also take advantage of the school counselors.

In court, evaluations and interviews with various investigations he should be careful not to be "too" whatever.  He may think he has to be super fair and divulge everything.  Yes, he may need to state he's been working on himself to be a better person (for example, reducing or avoiding alcohol, driving more carefully, etc) and that's good.  But he needs to focus on the positives, leave any negatives far in the background.  After all, if the incidents are over 6 months ago and any poor behavior patterns are broken then is should be meaningless now.  Yes, Ex will desperately harp on how bad he is, but the old history doesn't matter.  Your BF should not get sucked into her collection of unlimited allegations.  As the saying goes, "A sports teams does not win by playing only defense, they have to play offense too."

[cdizzle]

I believe a Change of Circumstances motion is required to make major changes to orders.  For example, I exited my divorce with equal time in Shared Parenting or joint custody. It didn't work so after about a year and a half I filed CofC seeking both custody and majority time.  That in itself took 17-18 months from start to finish.  For that reason I suggest you don't wait too long to seek positive changes to your current order.

Sigh -- yes. I'm leaving that up to my bf and his timeline of involvement/ custody, but I am afraid of the damage already done (attachment theory is brought up a lot here, and I have background in psychology/ counseling). I'm hopeful that the sooner we get involved in his life, the sooner we can repair the damage done and hopefully establish a stronger self of self for his son. Having an insecure attachment is a CURSE (speaking from experience), so I'm hoping we can prevent that from happening... .sadly most studies say that attachment forms in the first couple of years, so we may be a little too late.  

Now that the stay away order has ended, has she been ramping up the conflict?  She probably hates that it ended, it means she has lost some control over him, and is very determined to make him look bad again.  She's likely to make new allegations either out of thin air, trumped up, set up, framed or twisting reality of what really happened.  Be aware. Beware.

Eep! Thanks for that. Fortunately right now, nope no contact at all -- probably because she seemingly still has all the "power" as she has sole custody and my dBF has crap visitation. As soon as he starts pursuing custody further I'm sure it'll start ramping up, so I guess we should start getting prepared now. I read somewhere to journal everything you do, especially when you're with your children, and even keep receipts (from shopping excursions, etc) as proof of where you are at a certain time and day (if an accusation is thrown out).

Courts generally look at older documentation as being less actionable.  Individual events can become 'stale' in as little as 6 months.  I recall when I first separated and was testifying about what she had done, starting with most recent and going back from there, the magistrate stopped me once I got to 6 months before we had filed.  Not six months before my testimony, six months before we started the case.  So even though the case moved slowly, the delays didn't age out my reports.

I see! That makes sense and our current focus is just pattern of behavior. We don't want to delve into a "he said, she said" thing and just want to focus on facts and actions. She is unreasonable and unwilling to co-parent -- here is 3+ years of history/ documentation to prove this. At this point, she doesn't really have anything on him within 6 months (and what he has on her from the past will just be used to focus on patterns of behavior) so I'm thinking we're OK on this end? False accusations that will be forthcoming aside.

Lawyer.  Yes, you need a proactive lawyer.  One question you can ask all interviewed attorneys in initial consultations is this:  "If you were facing a very high conflict divorce or custody case such as this, who would YOU choose to be your attorney?"  That is definitely a proper question.  Don't be timid, lawyers know they're not going to get everyone walking in the door as a client.  Move the names you hear higher on your interview list.

Custody Evaluation.  I think a Custody Evaluation is ordered by the court so probably has to be within an ongoing case.  Same as with a lawyer, don't think just any CE is okay.  You already know the past one is probably no good.  Once you get an experienced and proactive attorney, you can ask which CE's have a solid reputation.  Choose from among that short list.  If Ex is likely to oppose the selection of any CE you pick, then this is a proven alternative:  You make a short list of CE's that are recommended as solid.  Present it to the court and state you're willing to let Ex choose from your short list.  That way (1) both parents are involved in the selections and (2) you know whomever she picks will probably do a fair evaluation.  Courts will probably like that approach.

Yes! Absolutely. My bf said he wants an "aggressive" attorney -- to which I said, usually proactive and assertive is a better option. He claims his previous attorney was assertive & proactive, just "too nice" so she got run-over by BPDex's attorney. To that I say, doesn't sound very assertive to me -- but it is what it is, and great suggestions which we'll use.

Frankly, the sooner he gets out from under that supervised restriction, the better.  His child's early years are the most formative

At the least, he should seek equal time - always keeping that as what he believes is best for his child - but have the stance that he and his child can live (for now) with alternate weekends and an overnight or two in between.  That is a MINIMUM STANDARD for parents not viewed as abusive, endangering or neglectful.  She may squawk and squeal but court knows that is the standard minimum unless there is reason to deviate.

Understand too that once supervised is past then dad should get his alternating holidays as well as the regular allotments of vacation time.  Remember, if dad is not seen as needing supervision then he should get the usual things dads get even if it is minority time.  Don't let her box him in.  Remember, if she refuses then he turns to the court for a decision and almost surely the court's decision will be (much) less unfair than what mother would grant.

What did I mean by 'substantive' abuse, endangerment or neglect?

• She claims he didn't feed child supper or enough supper.  Not substantive.
• She claims child is underweight and seldom fed.  Could be substantive, merits investigation.
• He claims mother ranted and raged around the child.  Probably not substantive, courts expect kids to learn how to handle both good and bad.
• He claims mother ranted and raged at the child.  Might be substantive, may merit investigation.
• Son went to bed at 11 pm.  Not substantive.
• Son got sick and mother wants son returned immediately.  Not substantive.  Most dads can care for sick children too.

I see! Okay yes -- we'll definitely ask for that at minimum (honestly I felt like that was asking for a lot ... .from 1.5 supervised to weekends/ overnights, but you are right -- he is a father and deserves that time with his child) in our direct requests to her. And it sounds like all the claims she has against him now are non-substantive, especially since the claims are now almost a year out and he has been doing supervised visits.

At the very least, selfishly, I want him to get non-supervised visits because I have yet to meet his son.  A year together and I still haven't met the kid (the orders specify "family" as the only people who can attend visits) ... .and still have no idea when I will. It's definitely made our relationship difficult at times (and it's been a lot for me to process), but ultimately it's also made our relationship stronger. Our communication skills and ability to talk about difficult/ uncomfortable subjects has only improved exponentially since we started dating, so as a silver lining, I guess we have her to thank for only making our relationship stronger. LOL

Long term the child should get into counseling (with an experienced counselor, perhaps picked the same way as the CE is selected, above) since parents so seldom agree, child needs to learn how to handle the conflict over years.  Child needs emotionally neutral and trained guidance.  Once in school he can also take advantage of the school counselors.

Absolutely! We're definitely going to make sure that's in the orders. My dBF & his BPDex completed a psych eval for the first round of custody and she did get a diagnosis of BPD -- do you think we could use that in court? My bf got adjustment disorder, so nothing too alarming on his end.

In court, evaluations and interviews with various investigations he should be careful not to be "too" whatever.  He may think he has to be super fair and divulge everything.  Yes, he may need to state he's been working on himself to be a better person (for example, reducing or avoiding alcohol, driving more carefully, etc) and that's good.  But he needs to focus on the positives, leave any negatives far in the background.  After all, if the incidents are over 6 months ago and any poor behavior patterns are broken then is should be meaningless now.  Yes, Ex will desperately harp on how bad he is, but the old history doesn't matter.  Your BF should not get sucked into her collection of unlimited allegations.  As the saying goes, "A sports teams does not win by playing only defense, they have to play offense too."

Yes! Excellent advice -- in the first go-around he was TOO honest (admitted to using marijuana, etc) while she lied/ omitted a ton of things so she looked like the better person to the CE than my bf (hence the poor CE). This next time we'll make sure to briefly focus on the "reform" but majorly focus on the positives. Any suggestions of what "positive" may look like? With such little access to his son (with only 1.5 hours a week it's hard to establish any type of relationship with someone, let alone your child) I'm not sure what that may look like? Would that be something as little as discussing how developmentally it's imperative both parents be involved, so my dBF needs to be around?

And yes! I'm trying to get him to play the offensive a little more. I read somewhere about not just demonstrating the problem but also providing the solution -- so we'll definitely be doing that. No idea what that looks like currently, but I'm sure we'll have a better idea once we get closer to pursuing court.

Sigh. Exhausting. Thanks again for everything!