Overwhelmed

[Hopeful Still]

Hey all,

We learned of my wife's BPD last year. Meds helped. I really took for granted the seriousness of my responsibility because with Med's it was the healthiest our family had ever been. I rested in that rather than studying and preparing to be better for my family.

6 months ago we made the decision to get pregnant with our 3rd child.

Y'all... .the the BPD has increased to a more intense spot than ever. My wife is unable to have conversations about future, as it is to intense and overwhelming for her. She can't be on the meds because they were to intense. And day by day it just feels like there are no more options. I've looked into career changes. I'm really willing to do anything.

I feel guilty because I have these thoughts of leaving her. I won't. Nor do I want to. I love her desperately. But these days, the good times are a fraction and the emotional anger is the norm.

I've been advised by my councilor to 'ignore' and 'let pass' her words. I am trying but really do not know how to do so without hardening my heart to her. I don't know how to love and 'ignore' at the same time. I'm just feeling broken and without options. Yet wanting to be strong, present and loving for my family. This brings fears as well. Knowing I have to be the strong and patient one - can lead without intention to a power dynamic and understanding that I am better. I am not better. Again. Every road seems to lead to failure and sadness.

Not looking for sympathy. Just a place to be honest. I can't share with friends and family as to respect my wife. But damn. I need to talk.  

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful Still,



I'm sorry to hear that. A r/s with someone that suffers with BPD can be really confusing and frustrating with the emotional intensity and erractic behaviors.  I'm glad that you decided to join us. It helps to talk to others that have walked a mile in your shoes, you don't have to go through this alone.

My wife is unable to have glow=yellow,2,300]conversations about future,[/glow] as it is to intense and overwhelming for her. She can't be on the meds because they were to intense. And day by day it just feels like there are no more options. glow=yellow,2,300]I've looked into career changes.[/glow]

Are you worried about finances with a new kid on the way?

I don't know how to love and 'ignore' at the same time

You're in the right place to be honest, this is a platform for the non disordered partner, a place to share your feelings and thoughts with being judged or invalidated. You have sage advise from your counselor, and you have the answer in the quote above, I'll just point you in the right direction. You're wife is expecting a child? She may be feeling out of control and trying to control her environment to try to get herself feeling back in control of herself.

That being said, it's something that she is going through, it's not personal, you can become indifferent to the behavior, you neither like it or hate it, depersonalize the behaviors.

[Hopeful Still]

Mutt,

I am worried about finances. My wife has decided now that she wants to quit her job and hates mine (we've worked together for about three years). I am her boss currently - which has given the most longevity of career she's had. I've tried to explain that she won't find a more flexible job or boss. That the loss of her 20,000 is going to hurt bad. And she reasons that "I can go on medicare, the baby will be free, I'll be happy."

I just can't, even begin to understand this mentality. WTF.

You are spot on with her 'feeling out of control and trying to control her environment.'
I ache for her. But she also won't accept that she gets how she gets -- so my indifference really pisses her off.

Thank you for responding. I almost feel more alone after taking the step to reach out. I appreciate your time and words.

[Mutt]

Hi Hopeful Still,

Feelings = facts to a pwBPD whereas, feelings are followed by facts to the non-disordered. Validation is important, it makes the person feel like they are heard

Validation is important because it makes the person feel like they are heard, if there is a wall between partners, it's because it's been built with bricks of invalidation.

Communication Skills - Don't Be Invalidating

"I can go on medicare, the baby will be free, I'll be happy."

If you're working and living together, you're both spending a lot of time together? It might be her way of saying that she wants a leave from work to watch the baby, is it temporary or permanent? Is the 20000 her salary? Does that mean that you have to pay someone else to replace her?

I almost feel more alone after taking the step to reach out.

Why do you feel more isolated?