Adult daughter with BPD

[Deckchairs]

 Hi my first post. I too have an adult daughter with BPD along with a whole alphabet of other things. I feel as through I have spent the past 20 years shuffling the deckchairs on the Titanic to no avial. This ship is sinking and I feel the time has come to get off and jump into a life boat. Now i just need to find the strength to do it. With the help of this board, I am hoping to accomplish it.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamGirl]

Hi Deckchairs,



I love the creativity of your name so much.

What's your current relationship look like? Does she still live with you?

~DG

[Deckchairs]

   I would like to introduce myself. My youngest daughter 30+ has BPD along with a whole other hosts of diagnosis. We began in patient treatment with her at the age of 13. Life was a true hell during her teen years. Her 20s were wrought with hospitalization, failed, jobs, relationships, DUI, wrecked cars... .Her father and I were there to support her through all this termoil. She now recieves disability and works occasionally part time. We have been subsiding her finacialy.

No matter how much we do for her, it is never enough. I am always the villain in her story to herself and others. Her father not so much. I am the one that has all the verbal abuse heaped upon.

Let me just go through what the past 12 months have been like.  She fell while in a drunken stooper (add alcoholic to the list) damgered her knee. Next month, overdosed on lithium  was hospitalized. Went through dyalisis,  and put on suicide watch. Was sent to the pysch ward for 3 whole days. She admitted she was an alcoholic and went though AA. Stopped drinking for 3 months. Had surgery on her knee. Came to our house for post operative recovery for 3 months. Went back home, having issues  with job. The folks she works with just don't like her. Darn!

Now my poor husband has a heart attack and undergoes open heart surgery. I tell her, I want no drama out of her during this. I am unable to deal. I can barely function myself. I need to take care of her father. I am not asking or even expectiong any help from her, just no drama!

 If you have followed this story up to now, you can just guess.  She fell down some steps, damaged her knee, called out of work. Decides she wants to go to a trade school. Everyone with any bit of sense tells her this might not be such a good idea at this time. She gets new job working until late at night. Has school at 8 am.

Which brings us to the current melt down. Not sleeping, drinking again, and becoming overwhelmed. Out of the blue my phone blowes up with the usual nasty stuff. I am so over all this s##!

I feel as though I have been shuffling the deckchairs on the Titanic for the past 20 years. I want off before it sinks. I need to hop into one of those lifeboats before I sink with her. I am seriously thinking of cutting all ties with her. I know if I do the outcome will not be good, but it sure doesn't look good anyway.

This has helped just putting it in print. Thanks for listening.

[galaxy]

Hi Deckchairs,
I'm very glad you found this site.  It will be of immense help to you! 

I have a son with BPD. He is older now but from about the age of 14, he was extremely difficult to deal with and made our lives more than stressful. He is in his 40s now and things have only become worse.  He cut off all communication and we haven't heard from him in 18 months.

When I found this site, reading the posts and realizing that so many have faced the same thing has been a life saver!  Writing about my feelings and reading people's kind responses has been a very positive experience.  I hope you will find that to be true for you as well.  There are a lot of other resources on this site that are also very helpful.

A very important thing to do is take care of yourself so keep posting and reading. Good luck to you.

Galaxy 

[qcarolr]

Hi
My BPDD is 30 and when I want a break from her the threat is that she will never go away. Somehow I 'owe her' for all the abusive things I have done to her. She is a decent person when off the street drugs, staying in a 'safe' place with people that seem to care, and not in any kind of melt down with a boyfriend. She is a tyrant when destabilized in any of the above 3 areas of her life. I am the one she blames when she is dysregulated. She also resists treatment.

The positive part is that I learned a lot working through the tools and skills in the sidebar. Then practice, practice, practice in all my relationships. I also try to take care of myself like building a network of supportive friends, putting priority on my marriage relationship, seeking physical, emotional and spiritual healing for myself with some group and individual therapies. The stronger I become, the better able I am in coping with my D's behavior as well as keeping to my self-protective boundaries. Example is being called names. I hang up phone, pull over car and offer to get out til she calms down, walk away til she calms.

Tough love does not work with her - it is too scary and filled with threats of abandonment. I guess my path is Strong Love. It really is about balancing my love for her with the boundaries I need to feel OK with myself and finding the courage and strength to stay in connection with her. I know she needs me in her life, most especially when she is being the hardest for me to take. Believing she is alone, uncared for, abandoned is her primary trigger for her self-destructive lifestyle.

This year has been really rough for all of us. I am so grateful that we are currently in a lull with both guys she alternates between being in jail, she is clean and sober, and her probation officer offered her a 45 day treatment program or at least 60 days in jail. She chose treatment for the first time ever! She is on probation for fight with one of the boyfriends in May. I will keep my hope alive that she retains some positive things from this treatment plan. She struggles with drug use as well as relationship issues, inability to work (has another hearing on SSI in 2 weeks), and emotional dysregulation big time. This requires so much hard work for her to overcome - I need to remember that she is more miserable than I am.

What can you all find to build your courage, strength and endurance? We all get burnt out and need rest.

qcr

[VitaTriste]

This is my first time here after yet another day of being on the receiving end of my daughters lashing... I felt like i was reading my own life reading your story... going to do some more reading and process this all... but i am at the end of my rope

[Blueskyday]

My heart breaks reading this. This is my story too but it is my physical health that is suffering. You have to listen to that little voice and do what it says. You are struggling to survive when your job is done as a parent. We should be reaping the rewards of years of parenring and thriving... .

My Dtr is 27 and now my Grandchild is feeling lonely and isnt coping.
In all honesty if I could, I would take the child before the damage is too severe and show her some rainbows... .We are afraid to be joyful... .

You are not alone with this. We are good people. I have never known my adult child to seek help. Yet here we are

[Deckchairs]

Thank you all for responding. I am so happy to have found a gruop that has some understanding.

An update to this saga. After not hearing from my daughter for 5 days, which were quite peaceful, she calls and acts as if nothing happened. She is behaving manic. I can just envision a spiral down turn coming her way. With her drinking, not sleeping, and the stress of working and going to school, I guess I am not surprised.

I seems I have hit a turning point. I have been verbally abused once too many times. So sad to say, but I no longer have the compassion I once had for her. I just really do not enjoy beinng around her. I just dont like her. This statement also brings a whole lot of guilt. How can a mother not want to be around her daughter? It feels like nails on a caulk board just hearing her voice.

As things stand I am cordial, polite, modulate my voice, and dare not question her. Just trying to kerp the peace untill Christmas.

[penny52]

Dear Deckhand, boy I can relate, I have custody of my two granddaughters becuz of behaviors which sound about the same as you described above, she is suppose to get the kids back in Feb 2017, but can't find a place to live, bad credit from destroying previous places, is living at her ex's (is he really an ex? he is suppose to be) place with 2 dogs, a bunny and a cat, and is currently mad at me because I don't want her to move in with me, the kids can stay until she gets a place and is deemed "better", but nope, no more, I'm done. I know the feeling of not liking your own kid, I just can't do it anymore, and I think right now that is a good place for me to be, I feel at peace with this. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy she seems to be getting some help, but this only came about because they removed the kids, her last tie to shown as a "respectable" human being at least in her eyes, even tho the last year was hell for them, neglect, physical and emotional abuse, drugs, alcohol ect... those things were not real for her, she is a good mom because she loves her kids. Bah Humbug.
   Another thing that is odd too, is two different agencies think she is BPD and her main doctor is treating her for BP, who knows, from reading, these mental illnesses/disorders can show the same behaviors. So hang in there, sometimes we need to let go of them for sake ourselves, for the people who love us, and hope they/BPDs decide to get their poop in a group, if we keep holding their hand when do THEY decide they have had enough and want to get better. I'm sure I'm way off base here, but I too needed a break, boundaries baby, boundaries, and unfortunately in my daughter's eyes I have gone to the dark side.

[Sadgirl92]

I just really do not enjoy beinng around her. I just dont like her. This statement also brings a whole lot of guilt. How can a mother not want to be around her daughter? It feels like nails on a caulk board just hearing her voice.


Wow. You said it. I feel that too! I never thought anyone else would say that about their own kid besides me.  But I really really resent her from all the bs she has put me through. She always complains that idc and I did before but these last few months I just want her to GET AWAY FROM ME! Which makes me her push herself  on me even more. I live with my daughter and my parents. I have to take care of them. Her dad after finally kicked her out (after two years) and sent her back to me. Gosh this really makes me sound like an abandoning monster. But she had to live with him cuz she was hitting me. Anyways it's very hard. I too resent my child and I guess it's just a normal reaction to abuse. i mean I know you LOVE your kid as I do but the day to day interaction and voice as you say is really hard.