Talking about BPD w/ friends of BPDw

[malibu4x]

I have wanted to connect with some friends of uBPDw that have been hurt by her, to explain a little about what BPD is and how it affects her - to hopefully make them aware... .and not take things as personally.   (Yes, I realize I'm trying to do damage control... .-  is that a bad thing?)

Any suggested short overviews that would be good to share? 

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[ArleighBurke]

I think BPD is a hard to understand illness.

Talking with her friends would really depend on who they are and what she did. If it was REALLY a friendship that needed saving, I would try to talk with them. I tried talking to my dad and sister-in-law  about my uBPDw. It was a really tough conversation. I was caught between wanting to explain, but not wanting to "excuse", not wanting to talk bad about my wife, and trying to have them understand and keep my confidence. I think in the end my dad walked away confused, and my sister-in-law said she didn't believe me because "she'd read on the internet about BPD and that didn't match my wife".

How has your wife hurt her friends?

[malibu4x]

Some close friends that she had with a church group are estranged now b/c she raged on them during a crisis she was going through a while back.  There's more to the story, but that is the gist.

They were trying to help, show concern, etc... .but looking back, I'm now seeing that my wife was dealing with immense feelings of shame... .and the thought of them talking about her made her feel anger, but I think especially shame (anger being how it manifest).   

At the time, I was so confused.  ("These are your friends, and they care about you.  They want to be here for you. How is that a bad thing?"    I did not validate and unfortunately kind of took their side... .and you can guess how that went... .

My wife tried to reach out to them a few months after to say "hey, let's all get together and put this past us".  But they did not want to at all.   (Obviously having been burned so badly)

My hope is to plant a seed in them that she is suffering from a PD that causes her to feel things and perceive things in much different ways than they do, and hopefully help them have some compassion for her... .

[ArleighBurke]

It would be much more powerful if your WIFE reached out to them. Not a "lets put this behind us" reach out, but a "I'm sorry that I yelled at you all. I know you were trying to help me and I reacted badly" reach out.

This does quite a few things:
- it's genuine - which is going to be SOO better received
- it stops you from being the rescuer. Instead, you are the coach. (read about the Karpman triangle) This teaches your wife that she has to fix her own mistakes. And it shows her that she CAN fix her own mistakes.
- it forces your wife to take responsibility for herself which has great long term implications. It teaches her that although she can't control her emotion, she CAN (and should) control her actions

It may take some good conversations to get her to agree to it... .

[malibu4x]

Thank you - I like this approach, and exactly what I needed to hear.

It may take a lot of conversations to get her there... .

Unfortunately, there is more to the story where her friends said some very hurtful things to her... .
I think one even accused her of having BPD... .

But the other one, I think maybe there is a chance... .