Intro: Blended family w/BPD past & future

[jennaberk]

Hello all.

I am new here and before I get to my story, I want to post my questions up front, because I can be wordy and some people may prefer to get right to it.

- What are some child specific resources you would recommend? I know most clinicians won't diagnose a child under 18 with a personality disorder but that they will treat the symptoms. So I'm finding it hard to have child and teen specific guides. I've read books like "Stop Walking on Eggshells" but I am interested in more supports for the teen years specifically as well as how to help the other kids in the family

- What are some things you wish you'd known earlier, or helped the most in your child's treatment? I am specifically at a loss for how to handle and process the anger and resentment I feel.

Our story: I am a 30 something Mom to a Kindergartner.  We have another kid on the way. My husband and I have been married 6 years, he has two children from a previous marriage who are with us every other week. We have had no contact with my husband's sister for 5+ years due to her behaviors which he has had multiple family therapists tell him is BPD. We have had no contact with his mother for 2 years for the same reasons.

My oldest stepdaughter (14)  has been in therapy off and on, first as support for the divorce, then few years later when she had school behavior problems and said it was related to problems coping with the divorce (it was determined that was not the issue and she was deflecting) and most recently for anxiety. Certain behaviors have been an issue as long as I've been involved with my husband. She had an endless amount of ways to seek attention. Teachers said she was argumentative with them and would be disruptive because she felt she knew more about things than they did. As a young child she was naturally very interested in science, school was pretty easy and she was constantly told how smart she was. Emotionally she would pour and sulk a lot at any consequences or at anything that could resemble critical feedback. She was very clingy with my husband and I often felt like she was competing with me, even though we had a strong relationship, she came to me before her parents and she called me "Mom" of her own accord since we got engaged years ago. Some behaviors I thought she'd outgrow, others I attributed to blended family even though my other SD didn't display them.

The attention seeking behavior had really increased and been disrupting us constantly--trying to catch up on husband's work day, talk to my son, whatever. We tried extra scheduled one on one time and she never seemed satisfied, always wanted more time and tried to insert herself. Admittedly my husband has struggled with good boundaries after growing up with two BPD individuals. But in recent months, now that we've entered marital counseling due to the stress of coping with my eldest stepdaughter, he has made good gains.

This seems to mean she's turning up the volume. Last week there were 4 incidents where teachers contacted him about her behavior or citations she got in class for her disruptions and disrespect. She's failing classes solely because she won't turn in work she's completed or take notes in class (which is the assignment). We made it so she can only make  calls on the emergency screen to her parents. She locked up the iPhone trying to guess the code we set on it. She tells her Mom she feels empty and just doesn't care about doing these things, they aren't important to her even when we try to provide real world context about paying bills on time, doing things you don't like etc. A few weeks ago she "cut" herself. In quotes because she immediately went to school and showed all her friends. Then she went to therapy and brought it up out of context, and spent lots of time talked about how her friends reacted. The therapist told us she honestly wasn't concerned that it was a dangerous behavior right now, it was difficult to see even pointed out and she felt this was additional attention seeking behavior. SD became mostly upset and angry when she learned we would be pulling scissors, razors and sharp art supplies from her room.

Since there have been consistent consequences now across both homes, the behaviors have only gotten worse in terms of frequency. She will talk to us and appear genuine and hours later do the opposite, what she wants to do anyway. She now tells us she is a gay trans man. We are very open minded, and have friends who's child has transitioned after very severe gender dysphoria. But again, therapist is in agreement that SD has shown none of these signs, and it is more in line with attention seeking. She can't explain any of this but expected us to change her name, pronouns and start hormone therapy. Which we would if this was legitimate. I know in this space I probably don't have to defend how we can tell all this, and aren't just parents in denial. Ultimately we are annoyed because it's something she's using that is a very real struggle for many people and they can't just turn it off one day when they've decided to move on to the next act.

My sister in law has done these almost exact things although my SD doesn't know that--intentionally hurt herself but not severely enough to get anything more than sympathy, and also said she was gay when caught stealing from a family member. She's very much had multiple marriages with men and not gay.

I have no idea how to live with someone doing these things. With the issues from my in-laws we ended up ceasing all contact. I didn't get a chance to develop skills to try and function with the person. It feels different when it's a teen. I know she makes it harder and some stuff is developmentally expected, but this is beyond developmentally appropriate. I feel like there's opportunity for her to change and learn a lot but she continues to blame everything on us, teachers, therapists, anyone but herself. I'm becoming angry and crying a lot. I try to not be in the home until late on weeks she's with us. My husband dealt with shades of this his whole life and seems resigned to it. He says he can't bear to imagine cutting off his daughter like he did with his mom and sister. He says to say nothing because she wants a reaction and attention. Yet I can't bear to imagine living my life dealing with these things. It feels like no coincidence that this is also more of an issue now that I'm pregnant again. We had a flare of behaviors when she was 9 before my first child was born too. I also want to protect my kids and my other SD from this. I've seen and heard how hard it was on my husband to grow up in an environment dominated by BPD behaviors.

Any advice or direction is more than welcome. I feel depressed and hopeless most weeks when she's here, and when she's not we are still getting constant updates from school and her Mom about more issues. It feels impossible for me to not tell her in some ways how she is affecting our family, or how we have been through this all before with my in-laws.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hello jennaberk and welcome to the family.  Sorry you and your family are having to deal with such a tough situation... .you'll find that's a familiar story here.  I myself do not have experience with a BPD child, however, I can point to some things that will be of help.  First, take a look to the right side of this page and you will note some tools and lessons.  They will be of great help to you and your family... .a guide in how to handle yourself when dealing with a BPD. 
You specifically asked about the things we wish we knew earlier... .and I can tell you that understanding you cannot change them, but that you can change how you react and communicate with them is #1.  They are who they are, and we perpetuate and make things worse with sub par coping methods... .using the tools and lessons here, can help improve things. 
I have found it of great help to read through the stories of others here, you will find you are not alone which is reassuring.  You will also be able to see in those threads the tips they got from others, many of which will click with your own situation. 
I also found it therapeutic to share here, and I learned that the more I posted, the more I got in return, so feel free to post questions or thoughts... .even in new threads for specific things. 
As for books... .here is a link to our book reviews, there you should find some that will fit your situation.  https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0
Have you thought about seeking out a therapist to help guide you through this process?  Many here have and have found that to be of great help.
You have found the right place for education, understanding, and sharing.  We look forward to being by your side through this journey.