Stepparenting a BPD child

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Is this board only for partnerships? I noticed some topics seemed kid related, and my struggle is with my 14 yo SD who has shown increasing signs of BPD. Her Grandma and Aunt (my husband's family) have BPD and we have no contact with them. My intro post on the parenting child with BPD group is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302114.new#new but I was interested if this was a place for stepparenting BPD children too.

My struggles are listed in the post above but also I am struggling to have any loving feelings towards my stepdaughter anymore. I see that even with the biological bond a parent gets from raising their child from birth or early on, her parents are really struggling. I don't have that bond and I also feel no empathy, patience or love toward her anymore. I assume on some level I do still care about her or I wouldn't react. But it seems like my husband and her Mom have an advantage in dealing with this since they can endure so much more, with it being their own child.

Any advice or techniques are more than welcome!

[jennaberk]

Is this board only for partnerships? I noticed some topics seemed kid related, and my struggle is with my 14 yo SD who has shown increasing signs of BPD. Her Grandma and Aunt (my husband's family) have BPD and we have no contact with them. My intro post on the parenting child with BPD group is here https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=302114.new#new but I was interested if this was a place for stepparenting BPD children too.

My struggles are listed in the post above but also I am struggling to have any loving feelings towards my stepdaughter anymore. I see that even with the biological bond a parent gets from raising their child from birth or early on, her parents are really struggling. I don't have that bond and I also feel no empathy, patience or love toward her anymore. I assume on some level I do still care about her or I wouldn't react. But it seems like my husband and her Mom have an advantage in dealing with this since they can endure so much more, with it being their own child.

Any advice or techniques are more than welcome!

[livednlearned]

Hi jennaberk,

You're in the right place -- both boards will have people who share your situation.

Your story is so similar to mine I'm not sure where to begin!

+SO with a uBPD sister and mother with BPD traits
+SO with a D19 who is diagnosed bipolar with psychotic depression (my T strongly suspects BPD and so do I)
+D19 claims to be transgender female to male -- this is incongruent with the way she presents
+D19 is needy times a thousand billion million  

Child specific resources: I recommend you read Blaise Aguirre's BPD in Adolescence. You can find some of his talks on youtube. In particular, I found his section on manipulation/attention-seeking to be helpful, as well as the section on cutting. Another must-purchase: I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by the Lundstroms. You will learn in that book about how to ask validating questions, which are probably the most used tool in my BPD toolbox.

I also recommend Buddha and the Borderline, about a woman who went through DBT (dialectical behavior therapy) to help manage her BPD symptoms. This book more than any other helped me get in touch with much-needed compassion. I would sometimes go into my room when D19 was driving me nuts (actually, it was more the dynamic between SO and D19), and read this book, just to keep the compassion faucet dripping.

Same for Shari Manning's book Loving Someone with Borderline, and Valerie Porr's book. Both are compassionate toward people with BPD, and explain not only why they suffer the way they do, but offer some helpful communication skills. These skills are important because they can help prevent emotional arousal and hopefully head off some of the more desperate behaviors.

If you are feeling more in the resentful and angry department, you may also find I Hate You, Don't Leave Me to be helpful. It seems mostly written for a romantic BPD partner, but I found it helped with D19. There is a good section in that book about SET (support, empathy, truth) statements to try and get out of the double-bind scenarios that people with BPD tend to create.

I also took a mindfulness class and began to practice every day. It helped me focus on the anger I was feeling, and try to dig down deeper into the primary feelings. I created a strong boundary about my bedroom and made sure I had a sanctuary where I could go to pull myself together and get centered. I did this so that when I spent time with D19, I was completely and totally invested and intentional in my time with her. When SO traveled for 5 days and it was just me and D19, I created a schedule and set up a time each day we could go for a walk together. During the rest of the time she lived with us, I started to do a puzzle with her and that became a way I could be present with her. Then I spent the rest of the time taking care of myself so I had the strength to be with her.

I was in a step parent role previously with my ex husband, who had a son (my son's half brother). I know how to manage the tricky bits in step family dynamics, as much as that is possible. This thing with D19 is something entirely different. Expect that your DH may regress in any skills he has and be firm and loving with any boundaries you may have, especially ones that keep your cup full. If your tank empties when you spend too much time with SD, it's ok to step away and regroup. You'll be a better partner for your DH, and a better mom for your own kids.

And vent! Vent to us, vent to your T, and be gentle with yourself as you learn some of the relationship skills that can help when dealing with someone who has BPD.

About her growing neediness -- people with BPD have no boundaries, so it's our job to provide them. Having no boundaries is a very scary feeling, and SD probably has no way to control her desires and emotions. She may not like the boundaries, but she needs them. She needs you and DH to be strong, that's more important to her than anything, altho she won't be able to say that. If you and DH are weak, that can be frightening because it means no one can control her, least of all herself. I know that setting boundaries can take a lot of effort, and isn't easy. It's also crucial, because one flattened boundary encourages her to keep flattening more of them, until it gets really bad.

Sorry for the novella  

I felt so alone this summer trying to sort through this exact same scenario so it's close to my heart.

You're not alone.

LnL

[jennaberk]

LnL, thank you so much for all the book recommendations. I downloaded the BPD in adolescence and will add the rest to my "to read" list.

It helps hearing others in similar situations, because yes it is so ailentating and feels very hard to explain to anyone who hasn't experienced a relationship with someone who has a personality disorder. The stepparent role complicates it even more with many people seeming to think how we've blended our family is an issue. On stepparenting boards, their advice is good but not for the situation with this specific child.

I will be scrolling through more posts but I am relieved to have a place to feel understood and where I can learn survival skills for myself.

[Panda39]

Hi jennaberk,

I wanted to join LnL and welcome you to the Step-Parenting Board you are most definitely welcome on this board.   

My SO (significant other) has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and 2 daughters with her, so I'm not quite in the same situation as you are.  My SO's daughters show some of their mother's behaviors but neither is BPD.  But that doesn't really matter, we each have someone with BPD in our lives that makes everything much more complicated. Along with BPD we share our step-parenting role.

Your original post resonated with me because I like you arrived here one angry woman.  Who was I mad at... .everybody!  My SO's ex who was using his children against him (false aligations of abuse & parental alienation), my SO who I was beginning to wonder whether or not he had a backbone (he was still heavily in the FOG-Fear, Obligation & Guilt back then), and his children that reported to their mother everything their father did, went through his things, this phone texts and even reported the contents of his refrigerator (Yes I knew these were kids 10 & 14 and that mom was pulling the strings... .but they were hurting someone I loved!).   

As a stepparent we are in a unique position... .kind of on the outside (not part of the original family dynamic - so we can see things the original players might not) and kind of on the inside (partner to one of the parents but still not a parent).  I always evaluate what my role is, what my boundaries should be, what my SO's boundaries are in terms of his parenting, and what my role is with my SO's kids.

You are not alone and everyone on this site will understand what it's like having someone with BPD in your life.  As you read the various posts I think you will find many similarities to what you are experiencing.  Keep posting, asking questions, and sharing with others, that's what it's all about here... .sharing information, ideas, and tools as well as giving and receiving support.   

So again welcome, I'm glad to have you join us.

Panda39

[DreamGirl]

Really love all the feedback you've gotten here.

Just wanted to add this video resource (livednlearned mentioned Aguirre, and I can not recommend this video enough!):

bpdfamily.org/2013/05/bpdfamily.html