BPD and Teen Violence

[Moana]

I am wondering if other parents experience severe meltdowns and sometimes violence with there BPD teens. Recently, when we told my 16 year old that we would drive her to work instead of letting her take the car because she was very upset at the time, she lashed out at us and was pretty physical. It was very difficult to calm her down and she ended up just not showing up at work.  Looking for any advice on how others deal with this.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[VitaminC]

Hi Moana,



I am glad you found us here and am sure you will find other people parenting BPD teenagers who will be able to offer you the benefit of their own experience and insights. In the meantime, you might like to check the resource for parents here: https://bpdfamily.com/portfolio-child

Dealing with such strong emotions and the situations that develop when they are expressed through violent behaviours is very difficult. Was there something in particular that happened in the lead up to it? Is your daughter in therapy? What supports do you and your partner have?

Feel free to share more of your story with us, Island_Girl. We all help each other here.

[Moana]

Thanks for your help Vitamin C!  Is there a search function for the message board?  I was hoping to search for other threads about violence or aggression but couldn't figure out how to do that.

My daughter is in therapy but that has recently fallen apart because during a routine appointment, the therapist advised that I take her to the emergency room for a suicide evaluation.  Getting her there was horrible and turned somewhat violent once we left the therapists office. 

She was eventually treated and released at the ER but during a follow up with the therapist when I told her about the aggression from my daughter, she said she was under obligation to report us to child services.  The whole thing has been a nightmare and now I am afraid to talk to anyone for fear of my daughter getting in trouble with the police.

It has been several weeks and child services hasn't contacted us so I am guessing they didn't feel that the situation warranted an inquiry up but my daughter and I have now lost so much trust in the mental health community that I don't know where to go from here.

[PaulaJeanne]

Hi Moana,
I've been through everything you're describing. Where do you live? I'm in New York state and for so long I was afraid to get the courts or Child Protection services involved. My daughter (borderline & bipolar) is 23 now, but when she was 17 I could have (and should have) gotten a PINS on her (that's a court supervised Person In Need of Supervision). That would take the consequences of her actions out of my hands and put them in the hands of a judge. At the time I still had delusions that she would outgrow this behavior and I didn't want her future college or career aspirations possibly damaged by court records, etc. What a joke... .no college or career for her.
She's always been really destructive when she gets into her rages & has damaged many things in my house. I practically had a painter on retainer with all the holes in my walls. When she was a senior in high school they kicked her out for showing up at school with a knife and vodka. She was placed in a drug treatment program where the teachers came in & she was able to finish her high school diploma. In February of her final year she refused to go, and the program called CPS on me. I was mortified but they didn't really do anything... .they understood I was doing the best I could and was physically  unable to carry her to school. Maybe she was afraid of being taken out of our home, but she did manage to finish.
She's been in and out of programs, both here and in California. Two years ago she just took off, travelled across the country, got addicted to heroin, met a guy & got pregnant. We tried to get them safely situated, on suboxone, and set them up in an apartment for the baby. That didn't work out because of the heroin addiction & they kept coming back to Long Island for heroin. Now they live with us, the baby is 10 months old.
I've been in therapy with an excellent therapist for a little over a year. I handle things so differently now. I'm willing to feed and house them, my grandson comes first. But when she acts out, there have been consequences I wasn't strong enough to pull off in the past.
She & her husband (yeah, they got married) decided in July they couldn't be parents, so they took off leaving the baby behind. I filed a missing person report (in case she turned up dead somewhere they might be able to identify her. Then I found out she had stolen one of my checks and cashed it for $250. I filed a police report, thinking if I could get her arrested and in jail, at least she'd be safer than on the streets shooting heroin.
She came home a week later, and went back into treatment. One night she was acting crazy & threatening to harm herself. I saw on my phone records that she had contacted a known heroin dealer, so I called the police and told them she was suicidal. They took her to the public hospital psych ward, gave her a shot of something that knocked her out, & then sent her home.
last week she wasn't complying with her meds, and she got into a violent argument with my husband, throwing a high chair at him, and damaging some things in my house. I called the police immediately, who came and calmed things down.
She's back on her meds, off heroin right now, and behaving herself. She knows for sure I will not hesitate to call the police if she steps out of line. We still have to deal with the forged check issue, which she'll have to go to court for in about two weeks.
I finally got to the point where I realize she's better off in jail than dead. I also refuse to be subjected to violence or destruction in my home.
I guess what I'm saying is if it gets bad enough, don't be afraid of her getting in trouble with the police. It's better than her dying or hurting you. Incidently, my hairdresser, who is also BPD, got thrown in jail for six months after her third dui. She got straight & sober, and has told me it was the best thing that could have ever happened to her. Good luck to you.

[VitaminC]

Thanks for your help Vitamin C!  Is there a search function for the message board?  I was hoping to search for other threads about violence or aggression but couldn't figure out how to do that.

The best way I know to search the Discussion Boards for something is to type the term and then bpdfamily into your browser's search bar. So: "violence bpdfamily", or "jealousy bpdfamily", etc. This will bring up threads that have the term searched for somewhere in there. I've done a search for "violence" in the way I just described and found only two threads that would be of limited use to you, I think.

I tried "rage" and found this thread, not specific to teens, but the underlying issues are similar enough that I can recommend it for you: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92543.0

A good quote from it:

"Rage is often the result of pent-up anger/fear that has not been dealt with... .often because it in directed toward "self" or a target that is feared.

When a "safe" external target comes along, no matter how tiny it can trigger the release, which is often out of proportion to the triggering event.

Often the rage is directed at loved ones as they are convenient, deeply affected (greatest satisfaction of release), and the most likely to be tempered with their response because they love the person."

If you're reading through a thread, people often either use other terms or refer to other links that might be helpful to you.

How does that seem, Moana?

[Moana]

My D16 had another violent rage last week over something she put on social media that I didn't approve of. It was her worst one yet, punching, kicking, biting, spitting, it was awful and so scary. She wouldn't calm down, it got really difficult to restrain her and we had to call 911 and have her taken to the ER.

They couldn't find an inpatient place to take her because of the violence, so we ended up taking her home after a couple of days because we were all so miserable in the ER. I am currently looking into residential programs but I just don't even know what she needs.  She has not been diagnosed with BPD but displays many of the traits, although no suicide attempts or cutting which seem to be pretty big factors. 

The physical violence is fairly new over the last few months and I am wondering if any of her meds could be the reason.  She started Strattera over the summer and I am wondering if that has increased her intensity during rages.  Any experiences or advise would be appreciated, thanks!

[473harman]

Hi Moana - I am so sorry to hear of your troubles.
My BPD 16 year old did have some rage last year - at the time I attributed it to the meds (she had recently been prescribed Wellbutrin) and made them change. However, I now know that it was the other illegal substances that she was using that was causing the violence, which would only happen if we tried to restrict her from going out.

My daughter spent the summer at a DBT intensive residential, and is now in a therapeutic boarding school. Both have helped her tremendously.

To begin -does she have a DBT therapist? They would be in the best place to suggest what she needs. Also, if she has an IEP the school can recommend alternate schooling as well.

You are not alone  - wishing you peace