So tired...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have a BPD husband who has every single BPD trait listed on BPD publications. It is so frustrating and demotivating every minute worrying about when his egg shell might break... .

Peace between us often doesn't last long. He would get extremely upset for a very minor incident such as me asking him to pick up a different flavor of a food item at a grocery store when he already picked the wrong flavor. He gets upset for so many minor interactions every minute. Once I found out what he has is BPD, I learned a few techniques in handling his behavior - mostly staying quiet and sharing not much conments about his behavior. Sometimes I fake my excitement and my opinion so he thinks that I am "extremely excited" about his thoughts, decisions and bevior. Often, he is upset if I stay quiet thinking that I "hate" what he did, so I have to be careful about staying quiet,too.

 With his friends, he is very social, kind, and polite. He has a great sense of humor when he is around with other people. But, when he is with me, he is always upset and angry and insists that he is staying calm (in the voice full of anger).  He has the most depressed look when he is with me except for rare occasions he is extremely happy and excited about something. Because he constantly gets upset about most minor interactions with me, after living 10 years with him, now I don't say a thing about anything he says or does but agreeing. When he gets lost or takes a wrong exit while driving, I don't say a thing even when I knew he was taking wrong routes from the beginning. Otherwise, our entire trip, even when it is just 10-minute drive, becomes miserable as he'd vent his enormous anger (e.g.,for kindly letting him know the corrent exit) to me during the entire ride and often for a couple of days.

I read in one of BPD books that BPD people tend to show one or more addictive behavior. My husband  is no exception. He has been seriously addicted to gambling and goes to a casino without telling me whenever he has extra cash.  He thought he has been successful lying to me about his casino trips, but I can always tell the difference because he is unusually excited as if he is drunk whenever he secretely went to a casino. He has worked for one of the Fortune 500 companies and thinks that he needs a big fortune in his life that he think miserable. We went through serious discussions about this so he tries to control himself at least apparently. He has a few other addictive behavors - binge watching TV shows almost everyday and a couple more. If he starts chatting with friends online (especially in his hobby chat groups where there are many female members who do pep talks for him), he doesn't stop chatting when everyone else in the group has to go or stopped talking. If conversations stop after a few members chatting for 10minutes, he initiates a new topic or throws a new joke. If at least one person responds, he continues. I also chat with my friends through messenger apps a lot, but I haven't seen anyone who endlessly wants  to chat online like him.

Often, I cannot choose a seat next to my best  friend at social occasions just because he wants to be at a different table. Whatever table I choose, he asks me to move to a different table he chose immediately. My friend once told him that she and I stay where we are and ask him to hang out witb guys in other room, and I could see the look on his face - full of anger. His lips were shaking even. Last night, our friends who are very fun people to spend time with invited us to their place for dinner. He was extremely angry for all day long but became a totally different person at their place. As soon as we got in to our car on our way back home, his anger came back.

My husband sometimes is extremely peaceful for months as long as I say nothing and do things exactly the way he wants. The difficult part is that it requires so much patience. It seems that now I don't clearly figure out when I can get upset and share my feeling. It seems like I have no right to be angry or to demand what I deserve.

Though I enjoyed the couple of years without serious confrontation, after we moved to a different state, things have become more complicated. He has retired and stays at hime all day watching TV. He doesn't like exercising, but before we moved, he exercised for one year only when his friends almost forced him to work out with them. He loved it but if his friends were not around, he became a couch potato. He LOVEs meeting friends and chatting with them but hates reaching out to local hobby clubs or joining community classes where he can meet new people. I know he's lonely at home while I'm at work all day, but he keeps watching TV shows on his iPad and doesn't call/text them at all (he responds to his friends' texts immediately and writes a lot... ). I think his passiveness may be just his personality, not necessarily BPD trait... and I know the amount of stress and challenges (e.g., settling in a new town) that he can handle is usually lower than most average men in his age so I try not to push him on this. I understand that everyone is different when dealing with different issues,  but I'm concerned that he might end up being too depressed, and things get worse if I let him continue to live like that.

I sometimes wish there are channels or processes that screen these personality disorders as part of mandatory or regular health examination so people with BPD do get gelp. For my husband, there is no way he would admit his BPD nor seek professional advice. I feel that there is nothing more I can do, and honestly, I'm too tired of acting like a considerate wife who is quiet, obedient and agreeable. I wish I could express my frustration sometimes... .

[canyoncrest]

I have a BPD husband who has every single BPD trait listed on BPD publications. It is so frustrating and demotivating every minute worrying about when his egg shell might break... .

Peace between us often doesn't last long. He would get extremely upset for a very minor incident such as me asking him to pick up a different flavor of a food item at a grocery store when he already picked the wrong flavor. He gets upset for so many minor interactions every minute. Once I found out what he has is BPD, I learned a few techniques in handling his behavior - mostly staying quiet and sharing not much conments about his behavior. Sometimes I fake my excitement and my opinion so he thinks that I am "extremely excited" about his thoughts, decisions and bevior. Often, he is upset if I stay quiet thinking that I "hate" what he did, so I have to be careful about staying quiet,too.

 With his friends, he is very social, kind, and polite. He has a great sense of humor when he is around with other people. But, when he is with me, he is always upset and angry and insists that he is staying calm (in the voice full of anger).  He has the most depressed look when he is with me except for rare occasions he is extremely happy and excited about something. Because he constantly gets upset about most minor interactions with me, after living 10 years with him, now I don't say a thing about anything he says or does but agreeing. When he gets lost or takes a wrong exit while driving, I don't say a thing even when I knew he was taking wrong routes from the beginning. Otherwise, our entire trip, even when it is just 10-minute drive, becomes miserable as he'd vent his enormous anger (e.g.,for kindly letting him know the corrent exit) to me during the entire ride and often for a couple of days.

I read in one of BPD books that BPD people tend to show one or more addictive behavior. My husband  is no exception. He has been seriously addicted to gambling and goes to a casino without telling me whenever he has extra cash.  He thought he has been successful lying to me about his casino trips, but I can always tell the difference because he is unusually excited as if he is drunk whenever he secretely went to a casino. He has worked for one of the Fortune 500 companies and thinks that he needs a big fortune in his life that he think miserable. We went through serious discussions about this so he tries to control himself at least apparently. He has a few other addictive behavors - binge watching TV shows almost everyday and a couple more. If he starts chatting with friends online (especially in his hobby chat groups where there are many female members who do pep talks for him), he doesn't stop chatting when everyone else in the group has to go or stopped talking. If conversations stop after a few members chatting for 10minutes, he initiates a new topic or throws a new joke. If at least one person responds, he continues. I also chat with my friends through messenger apps a lot, but I haven't seen anyone who endlessly wants  to chat online like him.

Often, I cannot choose a seat next to my best  friend at social occasions just because he wants to be at a different table. Whatever table I choose, he asks me to move to a different table he chose immediately. My friend once told him that she and I stay where we are and ask him to hang out witb guys in other room, and I could see the look on his face - full of anger. His lips were shaking even. Last night, our friends who are very fun people to spend time with invited us to their place for dinner. He was extremely angry for all day long but became a totally different person at their place. As soon as we got in to our car on our way back home, his anger came back.

My husband sometimes is extremely peaceful for months as long as I say nothing and do things exactly the way he wants. The difficult part is that it requires so much patience. It seems that now I don't clearly figure out when I can get upset and share my feeling. It seems like I have no right to be angry or to demand what I deserve.

Though I enjoyed the couple of years without serious confrontation, after we moved to a different state, things have become more complicated. He has retired and stays at hime all day watching TV. He doesn't like exercising, but before we moved, he exercised for one year only when his friends almost forced him to work out with them. He loved it but if his friends were not around, he became a couch potato. He LOVEs meeting friends and chatting with them but hates reaching out to local hobby clubs or joining community classes where he can meet new people. I know he's lonely at home while I'm at work all day, but he keeps watching TV shows on his iPad and doesn't call/text them at all (he responds to his friends' texts immediately and writes a lot... ). I think his passiveness may be just his personality, not necessarily BPD trait... and I know the amount of stress and challenges (e.g., settling in a new town) that he can handle is usually lower than most average men in his age so I try not to push him on this. I understand that everyone is different when dealing with different issues,  but I'm concerned that he might end up being too depressed, and things get worse if I let him continue to live like that.

I sometimes wish there are channels or processes that screen these personality disorders as part of mandatory or regular health examination so people with BPD do get gelp. For my husband, there is no way he would admit his BPD nor seek professional advice. I feel that there is nothing more I can do, and honestly, I'm too tired of acting like a considerate wife who is quiet, obedient and agreeable. I wish I could express my frustration sometimes... .

[Notwendy]

Hi Canyoncrest,

I can relate to some of your experiences. My H is truly wonderful- to everyone, and to me in many ways, but then- only with me, is there another side. This confused me for years. I have a low functioning BPD mother who is very different from my H so I didn't really consider that possibility for a long time. But BPD, traits and behaviors are on a spectrum. Since BPD affects the most intimate of relationships, I think it is possible for these kinds of behaviors to only affect an intimate romantic relationship.

Like you, I experienced that the constant agreeing, not speaking up, and walking on eggshells just to keep the peace can feel exhausting. So does dealing with the reactions when we don't do this. When we finally ended up in MC, I was fed up with all of it- not the relationship but the dynamics. My H had refused MC before but finally agreed to it. The MC put a label on me- co-dependency. I was angry at first- why me and not him ( no label ever ) when I was trying to keep the peace and not behaving badly. However, over time, I am glad for that, because the one who is most motivated to change is the one who will work on themselves. I think she knew that he'd reject any label, and in retrospect, I think she was wise to not do that.

One of the first things she considered was my safety. I was terrified of my H's moods and the mean things he would say to me. However, I was not in physical danger. He goal for me was to stop WOE, stop keeping the peace, basically to stop being a fake agreeable person. Another important lesson though was to not be critical- take the word "you" out of my vocabulary. Approaching my H with the word "you" would not go well. But keeping the focus on me was OK. " I need to take a break from this conversation" not " you are saying mean words to me".

Her goal was to get me to stop managing his feelings. If he is angry - well that is his feeling to manage. There is an extinction burst, and it is scary, but it isn't our job to keep people from uncomfortable feelings. We can only manage ourselves.

It took some work, and support to start to change my keeping the peace behavior. I don't think I am always there yet. I still find myself doing it at times when I just don't want to deal with drama. But also I am less reactive to it. It bothers me less- and that is a good thing.

If you have not considered T, it is worth considering, because it helps to have someone to guide you through making personal changes. The lessons on this board and posting helps too.

[canyoncrest]

Hi Notwendy,

I appreciate your sharing your own story. Both your story and advice are very helpful. I wish I could take him to a therapist or a psychiatrist. One thing I'm concerned is that he might pretend as if he has no BPD behaviora. How did you convince your H to get T?

I know that it'll be so easy for my H to manipulate his psychiatrist unless the paychiatrist has much experiences with BPDs.  It is possible that he would end up label me as "the worst person" or "the worst kind of wife." He already has done it to his brothers and friends. They just think that my husband is somewhat moody and has anger management issue. Some think that I'm too harsh on him who is naive and cares about his W so much. They have no idea about his BPD traits. I have no hope at this point, but I'll ask him to meet with a psychiatrist if he has an intention to continue our marriage. Alrhough he's denied all the symptoms on the BPD books and even laughed at the symptoms that he has always had-saying people with those symptoms are crazy and do need professional help. He was very calm and looked rational.

Since last week, he's become extremely upset for no reason (or perhaps due to one of the interactions with me) and has been extremely rude and angry at me. After being angry for more than a week (including a few days in the bed), he managed to find a peace and showed a small gesture but I ignored it as I was already extremely tired of this pattern. Then, as usual, he started screaming and yelling (making strange noise) by himself, and he is still screaming walking around right now. When he is at this stage, I know nothing helps...  I just hope that I don't make things worse, and he doesn't get violent... .If he goes beyond his stage, he literally becomes completely insane.

I'm sorry for being too negative and sharing too many details ... I think I had to vent myself... .