Just joined. Any help or suggestion how to have positive relationship

[Hopefully22]

My daughter was diagnosed with borderline and she has been in the treatment but we still do not know how to have a conversation positive for both of us. Any help or suggestion welcome.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Hi Hopefully22, sorry to hear about your circumstances, you will find you are not alone in your struggles here.  Good news is, you have found a wonderful place for educating yourself as well as getting feedback from those who understand your situation.  You ask specifically about communication and that's a great place to start.  One thing we have all learned is we cannot change them, however, we can control the way we react and communicate with them.  To the right of this page you will note some tools and lessons, these are a wonderful guide to help equip yourself to better communicate and set boundaries with your daughter.  The more you practice, the better you will get. 
Another helpful thing I found was to read the stories of others, there you will find many situations similar to your own.  The replies in many of those threads can also be applied to your own situation many times. 
Sharing can also be very therapeutic, I came to find the more I share the more I got in return as well.  You've found the right place.  If you feel comfortable, share a little more detail and background of some of the difficulties you are facing with your daughter.  We are here.   

[bpdmom99]

Hey Hopefully22,
it really is an excellent question and something which I constantly struggle with as well.  It can feel like every conversation - even about the most mundane things - can turn into a less-than-positive experience.  I agree with drained1996.  We cannot change them, but what we can do is better equip ourselves.  I have tried to focus on what I can do in conversations to not add to the escalation of my daughter's emotions, and a lot of that means focusing on not trying to address every tangent that she goes off on when she is in those states. I try to focus on the moment at hand and what can be done to help her get back to a state of "wise mind" so that conversations aren't revolving around the emotion that she is experiencing at that time.

Ultimately what I am trying to focus on at the moment is the boundaries that I need to put in place so that she doesn't use anger directed towards me as a way to 'cope' with the intense emotions that she is feeling in those moments of rage/meltdown.  It is the recognition that she needs to use the tools she has learned through her DBT therapy to get through until the emotions pass (and reminding her that her emotions will ALWAYS pass!)

It is a daily moment-by-moment struggle, as all of us who experience life with someone who lives with BPD understand. 

I am glad you have connected with this site.  I have found it does help to know that you aren't alone in your struggles, and that there really are tools that we can use to at least help us feel like we are 'doing something' in situations that feel ultimately uncontrollable.

[livednlearned]

Hi Hopefully22,

Sometimes the most helpful thing is to try one small new thing and see how it works. Another parent here suggested that I ask validating questions and it worked like a miracle. That gave me hope that things could get better and confidence to try some other new skills.

There is an excerpt here as well as a link to the book that explains how to apply the validating questions skill:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

*Excerpted from the book, "I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better"

By Gary and Joy Lundberg

Asking the right question is vitally important in helping someone discover the solutions to their problems.  Without these questions they will fall back on "What am I supposed to do?"  Remember, you don't have to solve their problem.  In fact, you don't even how the power to solve it.  You can help them, however, by asking the kind of validating questions that will lead them to the exploration of their own feelings and desires, and to their own solutions.

Keep in mind that your intention is to show that you genuinely care about them;  therefore, your validating questions will be asked in a kind, gentle, and respectful manner.

Here are a few effective questions to get you started.

Oh?

How did you feel about that?

What did you do?

And then what did you do?

What would you like to do?

When do you think it could be done?

What do you think the outcome will be?

What do you think might work?

What do you think would work next time?

Are there other options?

What happened?

How did it happen?

Where did it happen?

When did it happen?

What did you think when it happened?

How could you stand that?

How did you stand that?

And then what did you say?

What do you think caused the problem?

What's wrong?

What went wrong?

What was that like?

Did you enjoy that?

Did that hurt your feelings?

What does that mean?

What would you like me to do?

Is there anything I can do to help you?

Would it help if I (name something you can do)?

As mentioned in Chapter 4 ":)evelop the Art of Listening" in the Lundberg's book, there are some questions that immediately bring a defensive answer.  Many of them start with the word "Why." For example:  "Why did you do that?" "Why were you late?" 

You'll accomplish far more if you use one of the more caring questions such as, "What happened?" The "why" questions just don't have any good answers.  They are mostly used in anger or disgust.  Questions that back people into a corner don't help.  If you get out of the habit of using them and into the habit of using gentle, more validating questions, your children, spouse, and everyone you care about will be more likely to open up to you.  Then good solutions can be discovered and applied.

The key to validating phrases and questions is that they do not contain any answers.  They parallel the feelings and expressions of the person you are listening to and do not insert your interpretation of the situation or conversation.  If you supply an answer within the phrase or question, you cease to validate because all you want is to have the other person confirm what you are thinking.  An example of supplying an answer within a question is, ":)on't you think you ought to call your boss and tell him why you were late?"

Validating questions are designed to learn more about the person or the situation.  When you ask, "What do you think can be done?" you leave the responsibility where it belongs, and encourage the person to come up with a personal solution that will work for him or her.

Begin Today

Think of some situations that occurred during the past week where you were in conversation with someone in your family, with a friend, or a fellow worker.  Think back and try to recall the kind of questions you used.  Did they begin with "Why?"  If so, rethink those questions and word them in a nonthreatening, more understanding way by beginning them with how, what, when, where, do, and is.  Refer to the suggestions above to help you rephrase your questions.

Use this knowledge and newly acquired skill in conversation with someone today.  Watch her eyes and see if they shift and defocus, then return to you as she answers.  If they do, then you will know you have asked the right kind of question.