You can't go back again...

[Dionysius]

I've been divorced for a few years from my borderline ex-wife. We didn't know she was borderline at the time, although I knew deep down something was wrong.
She eventually got diagnosed and I began to learn about the disorder. Suddenly everything started to make sense.

The more I read and learned about it, I foolishly thought I'd be able to handle interacting with her. So when she started to make overtures about "getting back together" I decided to give it a try. Unfortunately, the old patterns of behaviour returned and I decided I wasn't able to continue rekindling the relationship.

That was three months ago. Ever since she's been in crisis. All the boundaries I worked hard to establish after the divorce have been undermined.
She's constantly reaching out and asking me to do things for her. If I do, there's a backlash. If I don't, there's a backlash.
She ended up on suicide watch at the hospital and now is off work. Yet she keeps texting me about how "I" have a problem, there something seriously wrong with "me", she's worried about me, etc. etc. etc.

We have a child, so I can't completely cut off contact. Yet I feel I'll never be free from her. I'll never be able to have a new relationship with her lingering in the background.
There's almost no BPD support services where I live and I have no one to share these issues with.

[VitaminC]

Hi Dionysius,

You are welcome here. I am sorry you are going through this difficult time right now. If I understand correctly, you were apart, you then learned about BPD and thought that you might be able to handle the relationship once you had more information, then your partner dysregulated and you now no longer wish to continue.

Did you move back together? How old is your child?

If you haven't already, you might find the resources here useful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=182254.0. They are specific to co-parenting issues.

How do you feel, in yourself, about the relationship and your own realisations? Many of us have found relationships with our BPD partners to be very lonely places; having little emotional support from a partner is hard enough without adding the lack of any people in our lives that have some clue about the condition and the particular stresses this brings.  You have other members here who will understand where you are coming from and will be able to both empathise and provide support in the form of their own insights and experiences.

We look forward to learning more about you. 

[Dionysius]

Thanks for your reply.

We didn't more back in together. We took things very slow, then I realized it wasn't going to work.
All the progress I felt I'd made on my own well being was slipping away and I felt myself back in the fear/eggshells zone.
Our child is 12 and wasn't aware of the attempted reconciliation.

I'm confident I made the right decision to break things off, but sometimes second guess myself when I have to deal with all her manipulations and projections.
I have the right to be my own person and to make my own decisions without having to constantly question my own perception of reality. But she still won't accept my decision and keeps telling me that I'm the problem, I don't want to work on the relationship, I need therapy, there's something wrong with me. As soon as I brought up BPD as a factor she ended the conversation and said it has nothing at all to do with it.

[Turkish]

What's your custody situation,  and is there a court order?

Everyone has a right to be their own person, even her,  but she's the one that won't accept they.  It sounds like she views you as still kind of being in the r/s. I can relate,  as my ex who left me for someone else still wanted to pretend as if I and our two children were a family unit,  in some ways seeming to deny the separation. 3 years later,  I still struggle with this though my ex doesn't push it as much as yours seems to do. 

Boundaries can certainly be tough to assert with someone who may have cognitive limitations accepting the individuality of others apart from themselves,  like a person with BPD. Maybe this discussion can help you better shore up your own boundaries.

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Asserting boundaries and tying then back to core values you are unwilling to compromise may help. 

How is your child dealing with all of this?

T

[Dionysius]

The custody situation is alternate weeks.

She has always taken the "we're still a family" position, which I partly agree with, but then that turns into wanting to spend holidays together and having "family time", which usually just means having me do things for her. I always feel like I'm being manipulated.

Our child doesn't appear to affected, although I feel like it's important for me to maintain a space away from all her emotional upheaval.
I don't know what the long term affects will be.

[Turkish]

I've been invited on two subsequent summer vacations now. I've politely declined.  It was a year before I could stand going out to lunch with the kids and their mom when she invited me on her Sundays after church.  After a while,  I felt I could stand it. 

She,  implicitly,  will rely on you to set the boundaries of your r/s. I could become way more involved in their life.  My kids are young.  They still desire is back together,  despite their step dad. 

After she moved out,  she kept trying to come over,  attached to her old life.  I had to not only be firm,  but consistent until she got it.  You don't have to be mean,  but rather firm and consistent,  no matter if she sees it as mean or unfair (I'll trust your own judgement about yourself regarding what's "mean" and what's a firm boundary that's necessary to keep yourself centered).

What kinds of things is she asking you to do,  and how do you think you can assert clear boundaries? Being short is better,  rather than long explanations.

[Dionysius]

Thanks for your reply.
I can see that this is not an uncommon pattern.

If I'm asked to do something involving our child (pick up / drop off etc) I don't mind.
But often she wants one thing, then another, then another. Somethings it's things related to upkeep of her house which she is completely able to do herself.

I try to be brief and to the point, but she doesn't like hearing "no". Even if I say yes she ends up twisting it into something negative.
So exhausting.

[Turkish]

Can you give an example? Maybe members can help with the verbiage and approach.

[Tobiasfunke]

She's constantly reaching out and asking me to do things for her. If I do, there's a backlash. If I don't, there's a backlash.

Yes. All the time. I swear I have no need to call or text her ever. She is constantly weekly asking for one thing or another. Can I this can I that. I never say no. I do it for my kids and to see them. I don't depend on her. There is 50/50 custody but come on we know that's never followed as you  are always being asked for something.

I feel you about another relationship as well. I've not really pursued another relationship. But I wonder what knew needs will arise if one were to come about. Doubt anyone would put up with this.

[Dionysius]

Exactly the same situation.
She keeps telling me I'm so withdrawn and asking why I don't want to talk to her. Meanwhile hundreds of texts are exchanged every month.
If I don't answer every one of the messages, then more harassment ensues. It never stops.

Each time I've dated someone her behaviour worsens and life becomes more difficult.
I'm so tired of having to defend my perception of reality.