BPD BF broke up with me

[j9]

my boyfriend broke up with me because he found text messages of this guys and I. I have never met the guy they were just text messages - I started speaking to him during a period of time when my BPD bf and I were apart. he is convinced I cheated but I didn't. the guy texted messaged me this week and I responded because my BPD bf and I had just had a fight and he called me names. i was angry. now he wants nothing to do with me. ive emailed him so many times. i regret doing what i did. its not like me i just wanted to see if i could meet someone to let go of my BPD. we have a had a rocky relationship. all i want to now if have him come back. on top of that his bday is tomorrow and i don't know if i should even give him his gift. i don't know what to do. hope someone can help me with this.

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[Mutt]

 Hi j9,
 

its not like me i just wanted to see if i could meet someone to let go of my BPD.

 
I can understand that if things are on and off. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Are you feeling like you're walking on eggshells after sending the emails? So, what did you say in the emails? Did you get a response?

[j9]

i basically told him the truth- that it happened while we were broken up and i didn't  do anything. i didn't even meet up with the guy. it was just texts. i told him i forgave him so many times for the things he has done and he doesn't want to hear it. he emailed me Saturday telling me to make sure i tell his family that what i had planned for his birthday is off. i told him i wont do that because i am not admitting to something i did not do. but since i have no control over this and don't know what he is thinking its driving me nuts. he said he spoke to his best friend and brother and they told him to let me go. and he is and that he will not forgive me for this. i don't know what to do. things had been going well and we have never fought because of me its always been because of his disrespect and his jealously. i feel terrible because i basically gave him proof now after 5 years. i dont know how to handle this. i dont want to break up becuase things were going well- i felt he was changing alittle and now it down the drain. how do i handle him? ive been asking to forgive me in 2 emails this morning and no response-called him twice and he hit the button to ignore my call.

[Mutt]

Hi j9,

i feel terrible because i basically gave him proof now after 5 years.

It's his fear of abandonment, it's mushrooming, that's really what this is, he's emotionally blackmailing, that's why you feel terrible, feelings are facts to a pwBPD.

Emotional Blackmail: Fear, Obligation and Guilt (FOG)

I don't think that you did anything wrong. You sent him a couple of emails, you told him what was going on, he ignore your emails and call, don't email him again, it's going to telegraph that you're anxious, give him some time to sooth and don't do that for him, he's probably triggered with abandonment anxiety. Wait for him to contact you.

[j9]

But he is convinced i actually physically cheated. he said he knows i did because i always wear nice undergarments to work [sorry the detail] and not for him. NOT TRUE. honestly i just grab whatever is at the top of the drawer, no thought to it. so hes been accusing for a couple of weeks now and was fishing to find something and he did.

I know i did do something wrong- i shouldn't be responding and texting another man about a date, but it honestly started while we were apart so i just wanted to move on from him- then he came back begging and as usual i am unable to resist.

should i even bother contacting him tomorrow for his birthday? or sending his gift?

[Mutt]

We can't alter a pwBPD thoughts, for example if my ex wife thinks that the sky is red, I can't convince her otherwise. Probably one of the most useful tools I learned here is to not JADE, don't Justify, Attack, Defend, Defend or Explain because if you do you getting stuck in these traps, I'm not saying that he is doing this on purpose it's a part of his mental illness, also he thinks that everybody in his life is going to leave him and he's testing that theory. Getting back to JADE, so be it if she thinks that the sky is red, it doesn't make it reality, her reality is as real to her as mine is to me.

What you did is in the grey area? There's more ways to look at it than one? It's black and white thinking, he can't assess more than one side of this, you guys were on a break, you texted a a guy, I don't think that it's a deal-breaker but he's seeing it one way, she must of cheated on me for talking to another guy, it's also catastrophizing thinking the worst possible thing is going to happen.

He's feeling down today, you might catch him in a different mood tomorrow or the same mood. I'd say happy birthday and send his gift if that's what you're inclined to do, today he's thinking the worse when it doesn't need to be that way, it's his irrational thinking or cognitive distortions.