Trying to Break Old Patterns

[Depression = 72% of members]

Fourteen years ago I left my husband with BPD after 27 years of a marriage that included repeated infidelity, much verbal assault and occasional physical violence against objects and against me. I have never regretted leaving and relish the peace of living alone. Our children are now grown and on their own. But. We have a business together, and I continued to work with him part time while pursuing my career elsewhere. As a result we have regular contact, which much of the time is pleasant and rewarding. We have a lot in common, and our values are very similar. He lives with a wonderful woman, who sadly must now navigate a volatile environment similar to my married life, in fact almost identical. Here is my problem: he blames me for destroying our marriage, depriving our children of an "ancestral home" and making it impossible for him to receive the sacraments in the Catholic church. Last weekend he sent me a series of text messages, which I didn't answer in a way that he found satisfactory, which then sent him into a spiral of insults just like the ones I've heard for years. I told him that I was turning off my phone, and he proceeded via email. Tomorrow I have to see him at our office. I'm tempted to reach out to him today and try to reconcile before that because I hate working in a tense environment. But that's what I've done for the 42 years I've known him. I'm looking for new ways to handle this person who appears to fit the textbook description of BPD. Thanks for any guidance, and thanks for listening.

[Teresita]

Fourteen years ago I left my husband with BPD after 27 years of a marriage that included repeated infidelity, much verbal assault and occasional physical violence against objects and against me. I have never regretted leaving and relish the peace of living alone. Our children are now grown and on their own. But. We have a business together, and I continued to work with him part time while pursuing my career elsewhere. As a result we have regular contact, which much of the time is pleasant and rewarding. We have a lot in common, and our values are very similar. He lives with a wonderful woman, who sadly must now navigate a volatile environment similar to my married life, in fact almost identical. Here is my problem: he blames me for destroying our marriage, depriving our children of an "ancestral home" and making it impossible for him to receive the sacraments in the Catholic church. Last weekend he sent me a series of text messages, which I didn't answer in a way that he found satisfactory, which then sent him into a spiral of insults just like the ones I've heard for years. I told him that I was turning off my phone, and he proceeded via email. Tomorrow I have to see him at our office. I'm tempted to reach out to him today and try to reconcile before that because I hate working in a tense environment. But that's what I've done for the 42 years I've known him. I'm looking for new ways to handle this person who appears to fit the textbook description of BPD. Thanks for any guidance, and thanks for listening.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Teresita,

Welcome and hello 

When things like this have happened before, how did you respond? How do you try to reconcile? Sometimes it comes down to the way we phrase things.

Is this allegation about you destroying the marriage a new one?

LnL

[Teresita]

I was very young when I got married (22), and I was very solicitous and understanding. I would do anything to keep the peace. That continued after the birth of our children. I must acknowledge that I hate conflict, but that was not such a bad thing when it came to my children. I was a fairly strict parent, but never dramatic. My husband seemed to thrive on high drama, and he still does. Age has not mellowed him at all. We sought counseling over and over, usually at his suggestion. But more often than not he would end it because the therapists "always take your side." From the beginning of our marriage he said that I would leave him. I guess that's the fear of abandonment, but when I finally did, at the behest of his current girlfriend, he was making phone calls about divorce lawyers within my earshot. I think on some level he wanted me to leave him because he knew he was making my life hell.