Hi Amelia Alice,
I would like to join the others in welcoming you here.
We all know how hard it is to get over a relationship like this. Because of the push-pull cycles and how used to we got to those, there is often an on-going feeling of incompleteness. This lack of resolution, or closure, can leave us in a state of confusion and limbo. Not knowing if things we experienced were real or meant the same to the other person as to us is very hard.
I need to known if BPD's feel any remorse for what they've done as he has never apologised and blames his environment, my apartment, the area we lived etc. for his bad behaviour.
This is pretty typical behaviour, I am sorry to say. It is always someone else's fault. BPDs might know deep down that they are somehow damaged and the common denominator in all their close relationships. They might recognize that there is a pattern and have moments of insight into themselves. The thing is, these recognitions are very painful and link in to the deep sense of shame that is felt, which will lead to a self-protective move of blaming things on someone or something else.
With my own ex, the remorse came and went. It seemed deep and genuine at times but never lasted long enough to get past the "I'm a terrible person, I told you so right at the start" to actually try to fix any of the underlying issues. I very rarely got anything like an apology, just the quick move from "It's your fault" to "I'm evil / sick / rotten to the core" and then back to "It's your fault". I was, for a long time, taken by the admission and remorse that I saw and thought that I could 'work' with it. It was only when I realised that the pattern was that the feeling, whatever it was, would never last for very long, that I realised there was no way to move forward with something like that.
So, yes, there can be remorse, but what good is it to anyone if it is not
used to change the situation? That requires honesty, hard work, and courage. You have more of that than a person with BPD.
I just want to try to get into his head to see if he still has feelings for me or if this texting is just to keep in contact with me and if that's the case then why?
We can't get inside anyone's head and know why they do things. However, it is also an established fact that pwBPD have a very hard time letting go of attachments and try to hang on to them, no matter how toxic or unstable or hurtful these relationships are. Many members here, myself included, struggle with this for a long time because we don't understand this fact and interpret the continued contact to mean something deeper.
I do try not to reply but sometimes, well mostly, I do. Is this good or bad? We live in a small community and it's very difficult to avoid him and I know I must move on - but I don't seem to be able to.
It depends on how the communication makes you feel and what it does to the inside of your head. If it confuses and hurts you, when do you decide that you've had enough?
I was able to make that decision for myself only once I realised that I was
getting nothing positive any more. I also saw that neither was my ex. But at that stage, I also understood that I could not do anything to help him, I could only try to help myself.
I need to know why he blows hot and cold, what is going on in his head when he rejects me. Also he says that he can't remember saying things - is this a trait of BPD's? Thanks.
He blows hot and cold because he both desperately needs and is terrified of an attachment. That is the root of the behaviours associated with BPD.
And, yes, not being able to remember saying or doing things is a frequent feature. Sometimes that is true, other times it is a lie.
All these things make 'moving on' hard.
You might find this workshop helpfulf:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=95860.0
