feeling isolated

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello. I am reaching out for someone to talk to regarding the conflict and confusion I feel in relation to my own well-being in the 18 month relationship I have been having with my male partner who is diagnosed with BPD/emotional unregulated disorder (I am female, and we are both over the age of 45). We do not live together, but live locally and see each other several times a week. The relationship has been challenging almost from the start, but during the last six months, I have become increasingly confused about what I should do/think about this and now find myself in a continual state of high anxiety and as a result I am concerned about my own health. Although it is easy to say to myself that I should exit the relationship, I am also anxious about doing this, for many reasons, one of which is that I have become socially isolated and unsure of trusting my own judgment. I have educated myself extensively on the subject of BPD/emotional unregulated disorder, and am very empathetic toward my partner's suffering, providing him with as much of my energy/attention as I can. However, I feel as if I am losing myself and can never feel safe prioritising my own needs, indeed, any difficulty I may experience in my own life becomes a stressor to him, so I am not supported in any way. To this end I have now signed up to this website.

[anicecupoftea]

Hello. I am reaching out for someone to talk to regarding the conflict and confusion I feel in relation to my own well-being in the 18 month relationship I have been having with my male partner who is diagnosed with BPD/emotional unregulated disorder (I am female, and we are both over the age of 45). We do not live together, but live locally and see each other several times a week. The relationship has been challenging almost from the start, but during the last six months, I have become increasingly confused about what I should do/think about this and now find myself in a continual state of high anxiety and as a result I am concerned about my own health. Although it is easy to say to myself that I should exit the relationship, I am also anxious about doing this, for many reasons, one of which is that I have become socially isolated and unsure of trusting my own judgment. I have educated myself extensively on the subject of BPD/emotional unregulated disorder, and am very empathetic toward my partner's suffering, providing him with as much of my energy/attention as I can. However, I feel as if I am losing myself and can never feel safe prioritising my own needs, indeed, any difficulty I may experience in my own life becomes a stressor to him, so I am not supported in any way. To this end I have now signed up to this website.

[formflier]

You have found a safe place to discuss your r/s (relationship) and gain understanding about the dynamics that are going on between you two.

I completely understand and have experienced the  feeling of "losing myself" in a chaotic relationship.

It would be helpful if you could pick a recent example of an argument... .or some other challenging r/s thing that made your head spin... .and give us some he said she said.

That will give us some flavor of your r/s and point you in the right direction.

Again... .you have found a safe place.  Stick with us for a while and I bet we can help you find yourself again... .

FF

[Foolishwizdom]

Reaching out to a space that can be just yours but in contact with others (especially others who can relate to the struggle of the illness) is a BIG and BRAVE step. It definitely shows that you see yourself as worth holding on to and so YOU are still in there. 

Seriously - recognizing that your edges are blurring and taking that step to get feedback, clarity, and just name it is an act of agency and awareness. There is nobody that can deal with a BPD/cluster B person alone and be healthy. None of us can 'solve' it or be enough to fully 'heal' them.

It gets hard for most of us in relationships with persons with BPD. In this moment, trust your perspective that you need to take steps to ground yourself and improve your ways of relating to your bf. That is healthy and faithful and important.

Here is a whole community of people trying to do that with you.