Hi everyone, heartbroken Granma here, beautiful child in crisis as my Dtr is BPD

[Parents! Get help here!]

Hi, I am in the mist of my Dtr rapid mood shifts. I have been coping and not coping since her teens. My sister showed many similar patterns so I knew it was serious when it began. The years between involved mental and emotional abuse directed at me which became so severe I was advised for health reasons to remove her from my home. I am a widow and her Father abandoned her. I was alone, physically disabled (can walk now but have Lupus) and without an extended family. I was in such crisis that I had even considered taking my own life.

Fast forward, my Dtr is 27. She got pregnant by a man who was with someone else. She has never had her own partner. She risked giving him Herpes ( didnt disclose) . She called him to say she was pregnant and when he reacted negatively called the police who informed his partner and all hell broke loose. There have been death threats from his partner but through time this all calmed down. The Father does not know my beautiful loving Grandchild.

We made great strides to mend our relationship. She tried very hard but of course the splitting continued. I kept in there because me and this wonderful kid adore and enjoy eachother.

Last weekend my Grandchild who is just 5 confided in me that she does not like her Mother at times. She said she doesnt know how much she can take ( hard to believe these are her words I know but it's true) she said "Gwama, she never gives me a break and I try so hard to be good. If it stays like this then I don't think I will keep loving her". I explained her mum gets angry but she loves her and tries to do the best she can but the kid knows what is going on. I am caught between supporting my Granchild and not undermining her perception of reality. I have seen her Mum do that to her. I asked if I should talk to her mum and she was adament that I dont because  she said things will be worser. This kid is 5

My Dtr saw a Psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics for anxiety. The last one she saw picked up on the BPD, this one didnt, apparently?

She has spiralled this week. I spent an amazing weekend with the child in my home. Dtr refused to join in. When I returned her she was snuggling up to me and clearly very happy. She was sad when I left. Dtr refused to let me visit Wed but spent the day and night wotsapping me her issues. I tried to respond kindly. I had not realised how badly my boundaries had been eroded the month leading up to this. She had not taken the pills but seemed to be threatening me in a way as I had expressed concern at possible over sedation. There is no mental health worker in the picture.

Last night was her second attempt to push my buttons. I was wotsapped and instructed to agree how "naughty" my Grandchild is for shouting back at her. I noticed " shouting back" but didnt comment. I explained that I feel the Gchild may be struggling with leaving nursery and going to school. She missed her old life and the security that gave. Suddenly the roof came off and after 30 abusive messages and being exhausted I became angry. I very rarely become angry. I told her enough!

There followed 50, maybe 60 messages about how awful I am. She is XYZ... .She told me she had banged her head repeatedly against the wall and scratched her face because of me. She continually sent messages begging me not to reply and I wasnt replying. I was informed that she had taken the antiphsychotics because of my behaviour and she wants to kill herself. Meanwhile I can see that she is listing things to sell on Ebay as she uses my account.

 I fell apart. I am currently in a Lupus flare and in Steroids. My probation is up tomorrow at work . I have been there a month and for 2 days I have no sales. I emailed her this morning and calmly said this has to stop. I can be there as her Mother but I can no longer absorb these emotional outbursts. I explained that I love her but we need to redraw boundaries again

 

 

I recieved a reply blaming me, projecting and in and on. Then another telling me to ignore the email and lets " forget the whole thing ever happened"... .Not so simple!

I am broken down again. I am so unwell that I have tipped over emotionally after this.This was coming, I can see it all now! She was in crisis but didnt seek help for helps sake. She wants to claim disability and the Phsychiatrist may help her with that. She has just had a major bust up with " friends", they withdraw continually. They never see her.Her house is filthy and she makes my Grandchild fetch and carry for her while she sits on the sofa all day. She enters 700 competitions + daily to distract herself, never cooks. She can pull herself together seemingly in an instant which I have to admit makes me feel so angry. We walk on eggshels afraid to show joy. My Gchild is struggling emotionally. My focus has to be on her.

Sorry this was so long

[Blueskyday]

Hi, I am in the mist of my Dtr rapid mood shifts. I have been coping and not coping since her teens. My sister showed many similar patterns so I knew it was serious when it began. The years between involved mental and emotional abuse directed at me which became so severe I was advised for health reasons to remove her from my home. I am a widow and her Father abandoned her. I was alone, physically disabled (can walk now but have Lupus) and without an extended family. I was in such crisis that I had even considered taking my own life.

Fast forward, my Dtr is 27. She got pregnant by a man who was with someone else. She has never had her own partner. She risked giving him Herpes ( didnt disclose) . She called him to say she was pregnant and when he reacted negatively called the police who informed his partner and all hell broke loose. There have been death threats from his partner but through time this all calmed down. The Father does not know my beautiful loving Grandchild.

We made great strides to mend our relationship. She tried very hard but of course the splitting continued. I kept in there because me and this wonderful kid adore and enjoy eachother.

Last weekend my Grandchild who is just 5 confided in me that she does not like her Mother at times. She said she doesnt know how much she can take ( hard to believe these are her words I know but it's true) she said "Gwama, she never gives me a break and I try so hard to be good. If it stays like this then I don't think I will keep loving her". I explained her mum gets angry but she loves her and tries to do the best she can but the kid knows what is going on. I am caught between supporting my Granchild and not undermining her perception of reality. I have seen her Mum do that to her. I asked if I should talk to her mum and she was adament that I dont because  she said things will be worser. This kid is 5

My Dtr saw a Psychiatrist who prescribed antipsychotics for anxiety. The last one she saw picked up on the BPD, this one didnt, apparently?

She has spiralled this week. I spent an amazing weekend with the child in my home. Dtr refused to join in. When I returned her she was snuggling up to me and clearly very happy. She was sad when I left. Dtr refused to let me visit Wed but spent the day and night wotsapping me her issues. I tried to respond kindly. I had not realised how badly my boundaries had been eroded the month leading up to this. She had not taken the pills but seemed to be threatening me in a way as I had expressed concern at possible over sedation. There is no mental health worker in the picture.

Last night was her second attempt to push my buttons. I was wotsapped and instructed to agree how "naughty" my Grandchild is for shouting back at her. I noticed " shouting back" but didnt comment. I explained that I feel the Gchild may be struggling with leaving nursery and going to school. She missed her old life and the security that gave. Suddenly the roof came off and after 30 abusive messages and being exhausted I became angry. I very rarely become angry. I told her enough!

There followed 50, maybe 60 messages about how awful I am. She is XYZ... .She told me she had banged her head repeatedly against the wall and scratched her face because of me. She continually sent messages begging me not to reply and I wasnt replying. I was informed that she had taken the antiphsychotics because of my behaviour and she wants to kill herself. Meanwhile I can see that she is listing things to sell on Ebay as she uses my account.

 I fell apart. I am currently in a Lupus flare and in Steroids. My probation is up tomorrow at work . I have been there a month and for 2 days I have no sales. I emailed her this morning and calmly said this has to stop. I can be there as her Mother but I can no longer absorb these emotional outbursts. I explained that I love her but we need to redraw boundaries again

 

 

I recieved a reply blaming me, projecting and in and on. Then another telling me to ignore the email and lets " forget the whole thing ever happened"... .Not so simple!

I am broken down again. I am so unwell that I have tipped over emotionally after this.This was coming, I can see it all now! She was in crisis but didnt seek help for helps sake. She wants to claim disability and the Phsychiatrist may help her with that. She has just had a major bust up with " friends", they withdraw continually. They never see her.Her house is filthy and she makes my Grandchild fetch and carry for her while she sits on the sofa all day. She enters 700 competitions + daily to distract herself, never cooks. She can pull herself together seemingly in an instant which I have to admit makes me feel so angry. We walk on eggshels afraid to show joy. My Gchild is struggling emotionally. My focus has to be on her.

Sorry this was so long

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Blueskyday]

Not sure anyone is out there but it helps to get this out of my head.

Woke up having dreamt that my Grandchild was dying. I was talking to her about all the things she will never experience. I realize how emotionally disturbed I am by my Dtrs recent raging.

I cant speak to her. I just dont have any words. I fell asleep last night and there was a message and a missed call. Grandchild wants to say goodnight. It was too late anyway but I could not respond. Its as though something inside me has died. The maternal " want" to protect her has gone. I am done being abused.

In March of this year I was told after a mammogram that I have what could be a breast cancer. My dtr was there and saw what I went through. I had opted out of mammography but they pushed including my dtr. She was scared and that swayed me. I had some odd breast tenderness and thought I was having a scan. I refused the biopsy because I dont believe in chemo or radiation therapy. I know some grow slow and some dont... .I opted to leave well alone.

I held my second husband in my arms as he died following multiple rounds of chemo. My Mother died 8 months before of Cancer. I know people believe in these therapies and respect that but its not something I could reconcile within myself.

I must focus on my health and the emotional well being of that beautiful innocent loving child. I think Im building a bubble at last

[livednlearned]

Hi Blueskyday,

I'm sorry for the pain and suffering that brings you here, and glad you found the site. We are here to walk with you. And I'm also sorry for your losses, both your husband and your mother, so close together

Meanwhile, it is awful to be the target of rage and abuse, no matter who you are. It takes a toll.

Retreating to take care of yourself and put yourself first is essential. Loving someone with BPD has taught me that it is non-negotiable -- we do not have the luxury to be otherwise.

Is there a way you can be in granddaughter's life through a more protected environment? Sometimes it's possible to volunteer at schools, for example. Or drop things off for her at school to let her know you are thinking about her. When non-BPD parents are estranged or alienated from their children, this is something that can work. It's not ideal, but nothing is when BPD is involved.

It's such a difficult and painful disorder for all involved.
 
Big hug to you 

LnL

[Blueskyday]

Hey, thanks for the welcome. Yes I will and I must maintain contact with my Grandchild. I have been the other parent and I will not allow my Dtr to come between us. She refused contact when the child was 3 moths old and I put short shrift to that.

I will ask to collect the child on Sunday or Saturday eve if poss. Dtr may say no but thankfully my Grandchild is 5 so she will nag her to be able to come to my house. Im keeping contact with her to an absolute minimum.

If there us any hint of disallowing me access I will address that with the authorities. This child loves me and needs me. This should be a good thing, shouldn't it?

[mggt]

This disease  is terrible especially the chaos it plays on our grandchildren my d has 2 children and she has been keeping my gd away from us for 9 months , and our gs is almost 1 years old and she left here almost 10 months ago (our house) gs was only 1 month old at the time so we dont even know him which breaks our heart .  The grandchildren have 2 different fathers and our gs father is a nasty vengeful little man. 
The stories are all the same Im sure our children blame us for everything and we are the ones that have been there through thick and thin all the craziness and all the heartache .  I dont really have any advice just wanted to let you know your not alone and please, please take care of yourself physcially and mentally .  We love our d and grandchildren very much but right now we do not like our d the stories that she has told about us are disgusting (use your imagination )  We have come to the reality that she will never change get better or whatever and now my h and I need to take care of ourselves physcially and emontionaly .  Sending you prayers 

[Blueskyday]

Aww Mgg, I am so sorry you cant see the baby. My heart is with you. I know the stories... .I had one lovely young girl confide in me "You are so lovely, she must hate you to tell us the things she does about you.  She told us you are evil and mean.When I was going to sleep over the first night I was afraid to see you in the morning but you made me pancakes and gave me an Easter Egg... .

[Blueskyday]

Just got another call. Dtr handed the phone to my Gchild, thank goodness. She was chipping in in the backgound sounding absolutely fine now the rage is out. I don't like her at all. I have cried all afternoon as that dream was so lucid and disturbing. Have to find a way to spend as little time with her over Xmas as possible. Spending Sunday with the child. When I drop her back  home will try not to go into her house. She is mean to me in my house but worse in hers. The plan is drop child off and leave... pop inside my bubble again.

[mggt]

Good luck this weekend seeing your grandaughter ,  I was wondering does your d live alone does she have a job and supports herself (if you dont mind sharing this info)     mggt

[Blueskyday]

Hey, no I dont mind at all. She had a job where she worked 2 days a week. The upside was that my Gchild went to nursery from 3 minths old for a whole 2 days. She thrived in that environment. Dtr had problems and almost never went to work in the end but took the child to the nursery.

Long story short I was going to meetings with HR as she said her manager was bullying her and collegues hated her. She was breaking down. She hasnt worked for almost a year and the slide downhill gathered momentum. Her sickness pay will cease soon so thats why she went to the doctor for a mental health diagnosis ( again) and of course it looks good on the disbility forms. I have been bailing her out despite a downturn in my finances this year.

She lives alone with my Grandchild in a house. They are lucky but her cleaning is erratic... .Hoarding and clearing and often ending up in a worse state and overwhelmed. When her friends are due to visit which isnt often she pulls it together and cleans. I wonder why she doeant do this for the child to be in a clean environment.

I am not convinced by her words because her actions say something different often times.

[Blueskyday]

Hi everyone, thought I would update. Dont know if this situation will last very long. I had a talk with Dtr. Raging done, she is now calm. I know it just builds up again though realistically. She called me about something completly unrelated as she often does when I withdraw. The conversation invariably leads to her troubles.

Long story short she has guessed Gchild has been talking and asked me to tell her what has been said. She is sharp as a tack and despite her protests she knows deep down the common denominator is her in all of these conflicts. I explained my dilemma and how conflicted I feel when this wonderful child breaks down in front of ne. I then made her promise not to ruin the child's faith in adults by repeating what I was about to tell her. I stopped short of saying the child doesnt like her but told her the rest including the child confiding in me she cant go on like this and doesnt think she will love her if things don't change. She seemed a bit defensive at first but I followed through and just got it all off of my chest.

I explained she believes she has mental health issues yet somehow magically thinks the issues are not related to how we percieve her treatment of us or how she shouts at us. I told her about me and  the child walking on eggshells. I told her about my fear of approaching her, her volitility. If I really was out to hurt her would't I have ran to tell her that her child does't like being with her?  She took it on the chin. I explained that her child is in crisis and she ( as the foundation of the child's life experience) is ultimately responsible. The fights they have are not about the subjects they appear to be but are about an increasing resentent. The problems Gchild has with fitting in are about her and her Mother. She needs unconditional love.

Of course I was told that had she known then the raging wouldnt have happened and that is just not true. I went on and said the spiral was coming and it has a pattern. Now all of the rage is out she is receptive. I kept emphasising that neither me or the Granchild feel that we can approach her. We dont know how she will be. Shes not all bad, she is unpredictable and that actually is harder to live with. I told her the child is lonely when she wont wake up with her at the weekend and has stopped waking her up because shes tired of trying. She just doesnt want to be with her.

This is the straigjtest I have ever been with her. I said no more interviening from me. I again told her to get herself a mental health worker. I also said I cried for 2 days because I am done going through this.

The conversation took a turn and I was forced to listen to how unhappy she has always been. I hear this after every massive rage. I am not indulging this. I advised her to seek her own  help or not but if she wants ti model unhealthy emotional behaviour to her child then carry on as she is.

I really am done. A door closed in my heart last week. I lost a child when I was 21 after my brother comitted suicide and she doesnt know the date but she was raging at me on the anniversary.

I have lost so many family members. My life story seems so far fetched if I wrote a book they would file it in the fiction dept. This is my life and I feel very proud of myself at this moment because I made it this far. I will stand up for that child no matter what the cost.

I asked Dtr, have you ever looked up BPD? She just said No... .I told her she is not in enough pain to want to help herself. There is no magic pill and if she sees no point in living as she says "because we all die" then she needs to either give up and carry on being a victim or do some work and find out what is going on in her head. I tried to explain that it is not her, it is her illness clouding her thoughts and fuelling her negative behaviour.

I am not afraid she will hurt herself because she wont. I have ebabled her for too many years. I have stopped. I must face my own mistakes and admit my faults if I expect the same of her.

She can do what she wants with this information but I will protect the child against her negativity if necessary. I feel a bit better.

This morning she has been playing with the Grandchild, making an effort... .We shall see how long it lasts