My Heart is Broken...Again

[TeachMindfulness]

Hi,
I'm glad to have found this support site.  My 28 year old daughter has BPD with narcissistic traits and is a heroine addict.  Sometimes I'm still shocked by how that looks when I see it written or hear it said.  When I was looking around for help in dealing with my feelings of pain, loss, shame, failure, guilt, fear and dread,  I saw someone compare the alienation from your child as "a living death."  That thought touches something deep within me.  All I could do was cry and and say "Thank you" to the person who made that comparison.  They've felt what I feel and I really want to connect with some other parents who can teach me how to... .live. 

Today is my 50th birthday and it is the first day that I've made the conscious decision disconnect from my daughter.  I've started to write some of the things I've been through with Hanna, but I imagine you know.  I'll bet you know what it feels like to be the absolute reason for everything that is wrong in another person's life.  What it's like to give and give and them finally realize that whether you give or not is immaterial - it won't add up to anything, be remembered, definitely not appreciated and possibly even used against you.  It's like falling down the rabbit hole all the time, but instead of Wonderland, it feels like it leads to hell.   

I teach school and I've missed so many days because of absolute and complete emotional devastation that leaves me feeling like I've been in a car wreck.  According to my daughter, she can't be around me because of the drama in my life.  I'm a 50 year old 23 year teacher with an autistic younger daughter... .our lives in the absence of Hanna are peaceful and extremely predictable.  She called me 4 weeks ago and told me her car's battery was dead.  I grabbed my keys and zipped over in about 5 minutes.  While I had my head under the hood of her car, hooking up the jumper cables, she said "Just go home.  You're not going to help me.  You never help me."  I was speechless.  I tried to explain that was actually in the process of helping, but she didn't care... .she was furious.  I left and I've not talked to her since then.  She's tried to have me arrested, has locked me out of my house and a thousand other things that people wouldn't even believe.  I'm so low right now.  I have to move on.  But, it feels like she has died.  The grief is unbearable. 

Sorry for the lengthy epistle.  Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[malibu4x]

TM - welcome to the board, and so sorry about all of your pain.
From what I'm seeing, you have tried very hard to make the relationship work. 

I hope you are able to find some support here.  I'm a newer member myself, and I have found the lessons on the right to be very helpful as a starting point.

[Studebaker]

I read your post and it sounded as lot ike mine Details are a little different, but the story is similar. I've spent about 9 years of my life helping her financially and in many other ways. You're story about running to help her with her car... .I did that too and I know nothing about cases. I've rescued her from abusive situations masmasny times, only to see her go back again and again. I have two granddaughters, my only ones who I love dearly. I "sold" her my car to promises of her getting as job. Never happened. She moved 1000 miles away, has no credit. She wanted me to sign for an apartment and I said no. I could not afford to be stuck with an apartment iin another state because she's liable to leave at any time. So now she doesn't speak to me. She won't let me speak to my granddaughters. My heart was broken. Its been 2 1\2 months I think about her all the time and I miss my granddaughters something awful. It does get better. I'm slowly letting go and focusing on my own life. I just wanted to say I understand and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. By the way, my daughter just turned 45. I hope things get better for you

[Blessing]

I understand how it is to feel that you are the reason for everything wrong in their life. Also always hoping that some pill, job, therapist or loving person will finally help them be normal. We finally talked to someone about our daughter being told she has BPD & being in denial. She told us #1-"accept her for what she is, a person who was born with different emotions than others." You & I have to stop feeling responsible for all that has happened in their lives or we'll never be able to function like they need us to-and more importantly-how we need to for ourselves. A new journey begins.

[mggt]

Your so right about feeling as if your child is dead , we mourn for them, for what could have been and what should have been they are alive but yet its almost as they are gone.  This disease is terrible and slowly kills us parents .  Most of us here on the board have felt this way very sad .  Take care and know you did everything you could  

[dorianc]

Every time there is a major meltdown with my BPDS with NPD, now 27, I get on this website and read yet one more eerily familiar story.  My son has expressed a desire to kill me so many times I have visions of staring into the barrel of a shotgun.  Any and everything I say can be a trigger to his out of control behavior, or so he says.  He takes  no responsibility for his actions.  This latest outburst, where he physically assaulted his sister, occurred without a millisecond of warning, and he later admitted that he had not taken his meds. I have read all of the books, tried to be consistent, but truth be told, I am afraid of him, and he knows it.  At some point he will lose control, as he did the other evening, and I will be on the floor, probably alive, but dead for all intents and purposes because I failed as a mother.  I feel so sorry for anyone who logs onto this website, for I know the living hell they endure. God bless all of you.