The look of disgust

[malibu4x]

I don't feel like I can really "validate" this one or show empathy.

She was showing some gift ideas to the kids online.
I walked by and said - "Oh, is that a Unicorn Hat?"   
She looks at me in disgust.   WTF?  (I know there is all sorts of stuff going on below the surface).

I say - "Is that really necessary?" and walk away.

How can I "validate" that?  Is that even something to validate? I don't think so.
Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[drained1996]

Yes you are correct, there is nothing there to validate that I can see from the exchange. 

This link might help:
https://bpdfamily.com/parenting/03.htm

Learning when and how to validate is a process, nobody is going to get it overnight so be compassionate with yourself when you feel like you may have taken a wrong step.  I can promise we all have! 

 

[jrharvey]

I don't understand why she would look at you disgusted? Did you ever figure out why?

[malibu4x]

So we are in a better place today, but she basically said that she really was feeling just loathing around me - didn't want me to be around because she is really unhappy about me.  When I came in to her "space" with the kids, she was angry, so wasn't really anything I could have said or did differently- she was just in a state of hate... .

bright side... .we talked through a lot of things today, and I had a lot of practice validating other feelings she has had
- me not taking the initiative to take her on dates
- me not taking "          "       to go over our budget
- me reacting to her when she is feeling down (and she lashes out at me)
etc... .
lots and lots of listening and validating today- agreeing in places that I have dropped the ball and such
-  really helped get her to a better place.

[ampersandalz]

I can absolutely relate to this look.  No clue how to deal with it personally, just makes me feel really low.

[drained1996]

Remember not to validate the invalid.  Most of the time you can validate that she feels a certain way and you empathize with those feelings. 

For instance:

She:  I'm upset because you don't like to take me out on dates and never offer.

You:  I can see where anyone who thought that would have negative feelings about that subject. I'm so sorry you feel that way. (here you are not validating that she is correct, but rather validating her feelings)
We'll work on that as I would really like for us to go out and enjoy some time together. 

The above certainly isn't perfect... .but I think it gets the idea across... .

[jrharvey]

So we are in a better place today, but she basically said that she really was feeling just loathing around me - didn't want me to be around because she is really unhappy about me.  When I came in to her "space" with the kids, she was angry, so wasn't really anything I could have said or did differently- she was just in a state of hate... .

bright side... .we talked through a lot of things today, and I had a lot of practice validating other feelings she has had
- me not taking the initiative to take her on dates
- me not taking "          "       to go over our budget
- me reacting to her when she is feeling down (and she lashes out at me)
etc... .
lots and lots of listening and validating today- agreeing in places that I have dropped the ball and such
-  really helped get her to a better place.

I am just curious. How often do you guys talk about where SHE drops the ball? Having a back and forth discussion about where each persons needs are not being met is healthy but if its just one sided I don't think that's healthy at all. Being mistreated because you haven't taken her on enough dates isn't so nice. The mistreatment causes another problem that needs to be discussed and addressed. Just my opinion.

[malibu4x]

I am just curious. How often do you guys talk about where SHE drops the ball? Having a back and forth discussion about where each persons needs are not being met is healthy but if its just one sided I don't think that's healthy at all. Being mistreated because you haven't taken her on enough dates isn't so nice. The mistreatment causes another problem that needs to be discussed and addressed. Just my opinion.

Good call out jharvey.
I'll be honest - when she is emotionally stable I don't want to bring up stuff... .don't want to go there... .
In the past though- when tensions get high and she is raging at me, I have often taken that as an opportunity to dump the things I've been holding inside.  Of course that makes things even worse.

I really do need some help on how to do this better and stand up for my needs.  Definitely something to add to the list with my therapist, but open for any suggestions here as well.

[malibu4x]

Remember not to validate the invalid.  Most of the time you can validate that she feels a certain way and you empathize with those feelings. 

Thank you.  Good feedback!

[drained1996]

I'll be honest - when she is emotionally stable I don't want to bring up stuff... .don't want to go there... .

And if you are looking for improvement, that's exactly the mindset you need to take.  If you want to put the responsibility on a mentally disordered person, to take their share... .it will fail.  To be frank... .jrharvey's point about a back and forth discussion... .that's not realistic.  If you are looking to improve, you have to leave space for the fact that she is disordered.  To improve, it's on you when it comes to dealing with communication... .it'll be up to her in the future if she picks up the path set before her. Improving communications and good boundaries are you friend... .expectations from her... .will leave you disappointed in the immediate future. 

[jrharvey]

I'll be honest - when she is emotionally stable I don't want to bring up stuff... .don't want to go there... .
In the past though- when tensions get high and she is raging at me, I have often taken that as an opportunity to dump the things I've been holding inside.  Of course that makes things even worse.

That is exactly my problem too. When she is upset and does something crazy I try to address that behavior right away. Then we are both talking about 2 separate issues and nothing gets resolved. I think I have gotten a lot better about focusing on one problem at a time though.

What I have noticed is when we have resolved her problem and she seems ok and I move to talking about things that she does that are not healthy all of a sudden as if by magic the old problem comes back. It takes a lot of focus to stay on track. I keep having to bring back the conversation to what we were originally talking about. She often tries to change the topic and even go back to things that happened a year ago and make the argument about something I did in the past and suddenly everything is my fault again. You have to focus on the original issue and not let yourself forget that. Refuse to talk about anything except the original issue. Keep bringing it back to that. I often have to bring it back 20 times before it even gets discussed. Eventually she gets tired and realizes I wont be twisted. I wont be led into another argument about something unrelated. It takes a lot of work to keep things on track but if your persistent and don't give in to baiting about an unrelated topic it will eventually work.

One thing that usually happens is she may even bring up the past and get angry about it and try to abort. I may be discussing how she yelled at me for no reason and she may twist it to "you lied to me a year ago" then start ranting about that past slight and act so upset she has to leave. I say something like... .We are discussing how you yelled at me for no reason when I was trying to be nice to you. I wont have this convo be twisted. If you want to leave your just avoiding responsibility. I don't like that.

She may keep trying to bail or abort or twist it but I will always bring it back. Don't discuss anything off topic.

[Lockjaw]

Good call out jharvey.
I'll be honest - when she is emotionally stable I don't want to bring up stuff... .don't want to go there... .
In the past though- when tensions get high and she is raging at me, I have often taken that as an opportunity to dump the things I've been holding inside.  Of course that makes things even worse.

I really do need some help on how to do this better and stand up for my needs.  Definitely something to add to the list with my therapist, but open for any suggestions here as well.

This is issue I have. When my GF is good, there is NO WAY I want to rock the boat.

[Lockjaw]

That is exactly my problem too. When she is upset and does something crazy I try to address that behavior right away. Then we are both talking about 2 separate issues and nothing gets resolved. I think I have gotten a lot better about focusing on one problem at a time though.

What I have noticed is when we have resolved her problem and she seems ok and I move to talking about things that she does that are not healthy all of a sudden as if by magic the old problem comes back. It takes a lot of focus to stay on track. I keep having to bring back the conversation to what we were originally talking about. She often tries to change the topic and even go back to things that happened a year ago and make the argument about something I did in the past and suddenly everything is my fault again. You have to focus on the original issue and not let yourself forget that. Refuse to talk about anything except the original issue. Keep bringing it back to that. I often have to bring it back 20 times before it even gets discussed. Eventually she gets tired and realizes I wont be twisted. I wont be led into another argument about something unrelated. It takes a lot of work to keep things on track but if your persistent and don't give in to baiting about an unrelated topic it will eventually work.

One thing that usually happens is she may even bring up the past and get angry about it and try to abort. I may be discussing how she yelled at me for no reason and she may twist it to "you lied to me a year ago" then start ranting about that past slight and act so upset she has to leave. I say something like... .We are discussing how you yelled at me for no reason when I was trying to be nice to you. I wont have this convo be twisted. If you want to leave your just avoiding responsibility. I don't like that.

She may keep trying to bail or abort or twist it but I will always bring it back. Don't discuss anything off topic.

I call this kitchen sinking. Maybe I read that someplace, I don't know, but this is what happens to me as well. And its tough to stay on topic with them, because they can justify everything they do. When you don't budge and hold their feet to the fire, you better get ready for everything but the kitchen sink to come flying back at you... .

[coopyloopy]

That is exactly my problem too. When she is upset and does something crazy I try to address that behavior right away. Then we are both talking about 2 separate issues and nothing gets resolved. I think I have gotten a lot better about focusing on one problem at a time though.

What I have noticed is when we have resolved her problem and she seems ok and I move to talking about things that she does that are not healthy all of a sudden as if by magic the old problem comes back. It takes a lot of focus to stay on track. I keep having to bring back the conversation to what we were originally talking about. She often tries to change the topic and even go back to things that happened a year ago and make the argument about something I did in the past and suddenly everything is my fault again. You have to focus on the original issue and not let yourself forget that. Refuse to talk about anything except the original issue. Keep bringing it back to that. I often have to bring it back 20 times before it even gets discussed. Eventually she gets tired and realizes I wont be twisted. I wont be led into another argument about something unrelated. It takes a lot of work to keep things on track but if your persistent and don't give in to baiting about an unrelated topic it will eventually work.

One thing that usually happens is she may even bring up the past and get angry about it and try to abort. I may be discussing how she yelled at me for no reason and she may twist it to "you lied to me a year ago" then start ranting about that past slight and act so upset she has to leave. I say something like... .We are discussing how you yelled at me for no reason when I was trying to be nice to you. I wont have this convo be twisted. If you want to leave your just avoiding responsibility. I don't like that.

She may keep trying to bail or abort or twist it but I will always bring it back. Don't discuss anything off topic.

This all sounds very familiar. I could have written it myself.

Except this bit.

It takes a lot of work to keep things on track but if your persistent and don't give in to baiting about an unrelated topic it will eventually work.

He is relentless and will never give up before me. His persistence is amazing.
Now if only he could channel that in to something useful. Like a job.