I just told him I want a divorce... and suddenly he discovers his BPD

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I am so new at this.  I have been married to my husband for 32 years.  I love him and am one of those "non-BP's" that believed and hoped that my love would eventually change him.  We have been in therapy for over three years... .(after having done so in the past as well for similar issues)... .and I have caught him three times during these three years in being unfaithful to me.  It sounds sick to type it.  But he was always so broken and gave me enough hope and vulnerability along the way that I believed he was working to heal our marriage as I was.  Then last month I discovered that he has been having an affair with the same woman for well over a year... .while he was telling me that he was working on our marriage... .while he knew that it was make it or break it time... .while he was telling me that he was waiting for me to change and be more open sexually (which I have always thought that I was... .but it was clearly never enough for him)... .while I received all of his projected anger towards himself for his duplicity. 

It was so clearly time for me to draw the line and I did.  After going back and forth for a few weeks because he at first told me that he would do whatever I needed... .and my list of what I needed in order to consider giving him another chance as he was asking for was long and detailed... .it became clear a week into our separation that he was not actually going to be able to give me what I needed.  That knowledge was what I finally needed to tell him I was filing for a divorce.  It was absolutely clear and I needed it to be clear, to know that I had done everything I could in order to live with the decision and face our four children.  I do not regret allowing myself this time to decide because I knew that what was on the table for me if he was actually able to change was what I have longed for for so many years, a healthy marriage with the man that I love.

Then today... .just 11 days after notifying him of my decision to divorce... .he sent me via email the book, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder".  He said in the email that he has been researching and believes that he has BPD.  He said that this book may help me to understand some things in our relationship that have led us to where we are at... .and that it may give me peace.

I have longed and prayed for the day that he would "get it".  That he would understand how I have been blamed for everything, carried the weight of his brokenness (his mom committed suicide when he was 7) and all of the resulting rejection and abandonment issues.  He has foisted his rejection onto me... .even while he has not wanted to.  He has loved me and been so confused.  He has confused me.  I have absolutely walked on eggshells and yet in the last three years as I became more and more confident so that I could not do that anymore, he was more and more miserable in our marriage because he could not manipulate him as in the past.

It is so long and complicated... .I guess that what this is doing for me today is causing a great deal of confusion.  Your book says that this disorder can be addressed and that BP's can change.  I am so emotionally and physically spent after working so hard and discovering that I have been betrayed this whole time that I cannot imagine giving another ounce of energy toward the relationship.  I am done.  And yet I love this man and have desired his healing forever.  What do I do with these new whirling emotions?  While I had longed for him to understand that it was not me and yet his twisted mind tried to make me believe that it was, I cannot imagine that the mess we are in could be reversed.  I cannot imagine that I could ever get over the level of sexual betrayal that has gone on.

Help!

[JeNNyN]

I am so new at this.  I have been married to my husband for 32 years.  I love him and am one of those "non-BP's" that believed and hoped that my love would eventually change him.  We have been in therapy for over three years... .(after having done so in the past as well for similar issues)... .and I have caught him three times during these three years in being unfaithful to me.  It sounds sick to type it.  But he was always so broken and gave me enough hope and vulnerability along the way that I believed he was working to heal our marriage as I was.  Then last month I discovered that he has been having an affair with the same woman for well over a year... .while he was telling me that he was working on our marriage... .while he knew that it was make it or break it time... .while he was telling me that he was waiting for me to change and be more open sexually (which I have always thought that I was... .but it was clearly never enough for him)... .while I received all of his projected anger towards himself for his duplicity. 

It was so clearly time for me to draw the line and I did.  After going back and forth for a few weeks because he at first told me that he would do whatever I needed... .and my list of what I needed in order to consider giving him another chance as he was asking for was long and detailed... .it became clear a week into our separation that he was not actually going to be able to give me what I needed.  That knowledge was what I finally needed to tell him I was filing for a divorce.  It was absolutely clear and I needed it to be clear, to know that I had done everything I could in order to live with the decision and face our four children.  I do not regret allowing myself this time to decide because I knew that what was on the table for me if he was actually able to change was what I have longed for for so many years, a healthy marriage with the man that I love.

Then today... .just 11 days after notifying him of my decision to divorce... .he sent me via email the book, The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder".  He said in the email that he has been researching and believes that he has BPD.  He said that this book may help me to understand some things in our relationship that have led us to where we are at... .and that it may give me peace.

I have longed and prayed for the day that he would "get it".  That he would understand how I have been blamed for everything, carried the weight of his brokenness (his mom committed suicide when he was 7) and all of the resulting rejection and abandonment issues.  He has foisted his rejection onto me... .even while he has not wanted to.  He has loved me and been so confused.  He has confused me.  I have absolutely walked on eggshells and yet in the last three years as I became more and more confident so that I could not do that anymore, he was more and more miserable in our marriage because he could not manipulate him as in the past.

It is so long and complicated... .I guess that what this is doing for me today is causing a great deal of confusion.  Your book says that this disorder can be addressed and that BP's can change.  I am so emotionally and physically spent after working so hard and discovering that I have been betrayed this whole time that I cannot imagine giving another ounce of energy toward the relationship.  I am done.  And yet I love this man and have desired his healing forever.  What do I do with these new whirling emotions?  While I had longed for him to understand that it was not me and yet his twisted mind tried to make me believe that it was, I cannot imagine that the mess we are in could be reversed.  I cannot imagine that I could ever get over the level of sexual betrayal that has gone on.

Help!

[Turkish]

It sounds like you've been struggling for a long time. Sexual and emotional betrayal is devastating, a knife in the heart despite relationship struggles.  I've been there.  His self diagnosis of BPD is a cry for help.  Despite that,  you're hurt and angry,  which you have a right to be. 

What are your feelings about your marriage if he gets into therapy, which doesn't necessarily mean he'll get an official diagnosis of BPD or anything else,  but it's a start?

Turkish

[patientandclear]

What you wrote makes complete sense; you seem to have excellent self-awareness.

First, he sent the book (and took the step of digging for this information and sharing it with you you) only when you decided on divorce and did draw a firm line. The book etc doesn't mean the line was a mistake.

Second, boundaries once established need to be enforced or the people in the r/ship have a very hard time ever believing in them again. You thought long and hard and tried long and hard; you were not precipitous in reaching this point. Your boundary (I won't be in a marriage where my partner has cheated on and deceived me, when I don't think he can or will change) was well considered.

My ex H (not the man I usually post here about) was an alcoholic. He would deny it; but when I was on the cusp of leaving, he would admit it. He would say words of change until I moved back in or stopped making moves toward ending our relationship. Once I was back, he did not have the skills or resolve or motivation or who knows what to actually change. The behavior got worse. I lost the ability to decide to leave because, if I hadn't left earlier, why would I leave now? No one day was so much worse than the day before for it to register to me that now is the time to go. Ultimately I left because something so spectacularly horrible happened in front of others that I could no longer look myself or others in the face if I stayed, and I had a baby to protect. But ... .Point is, him saying words of change was of no significance.

If you need your H to change his actions for you to feel good about staying in the marriage, I would not make the decision to resume until you have much concrete evidence of change. I believe the science is that BPD impulses and feelings are virtually impossible to eradicate. What sometimes is possible through much much work and resolve is for the person to learn not to act destructively on their impulses and to use other less destructive coping strategies. It's super hard because their feelings are real and powerful. Feeling that they need to do the destructive thing (cheat, in this case) to feel OK or not be in jeopardy or even to be able to take emotional risks with you.

Those behavior patterns are super hard to change. If you haven't, you might read the Buddha and the Borderline, for an appreciation of just how hard.

My exwBPD knows what I don't like and is not truthful with me when he does those things (also not truthful about having done them in the past). This is one of the reasons I don't keep engaging with him, waiting to see if he will do it again (pursue other women). I would constantly be wondering if my good feelings with him were resting on a secret life he was maintaining with other women that he was working hard to conceal from me precisely because he does not want to lose our relationship. He is so skilled at compartmentalization and concealment I knew I could never be sure. That is corrosive of love and respect. It sounds like your H is similarly capable of some pretty effective deception. To me, that too would have to factor in.

Can you proceed with your plans, telling him and yourself that if he makes significant changes you're glad to talk about it ... .And wait and see if he shows you dedicated actual change? I wouldn't bank on it because of the difficulty (not because you aren't worth it), but if you proceed toward divorce, and if somehow he finds a way to genuinely engage these patterns and can convince you, not that he doesn't want to lose you (no doubt true) but that he has acquired the skills to change his own behavior ... .You can always take that information on board at that time.

Cheating with deception is what he does. Around here, people advise not to expect the basic patterns to change. If you can accept them without violating your own values, that is usually the best route to improvement of the relationship ... .That works well for odd behavior choices, short withdrawals; but not so well for relationships outside the marriage where you are not OK with an open relationship. It doesn't sound like you are in a place of accepting his behavior (nor would I be). And he is not likely to change.

[JeNNyN]

Thank you for your reply... .so much wisdom and thought there.

I agree that it was the divorce that seemed to force the BPD understanding for my husband.  And I am sadly concluding that to re-engage with him will allow those patterns to continue.  All of it, the anger, the betrayal, the blaming... .is far too destructive for me.  I love him more than I know how to convey it here.  And yet, I cannot imagine being in the relationship with him in any way while he tries to sort this out even if he is truly dedicated and pursues healing.  I am concerned that my presence in the equation would just complicate his ability to get there.

Also... .as you suggested... .if it is BPD, then he could flip once again from remorse to anger and blaming and I cannot be a party to that.  He could once again be hiding the truth from me as he has become so good at that.  I cannot live with all of the looking over my shoulder anymore.

It is heart breaking because of my love for him and for our family, who we have not told yet... .waiting for them all to get home for Christmas, which feels so terrible... .but now that I recognize more of how destructive this has been, I cannot step back into it.

I cannot know his motivation for sending me this book on BPD... .he said he hoped it would give me some peace... .  I guess that is to say that he is understanding on some level what I have been going through and for me to understand how his brain has confused everything.  But with all of the manipulation I have encountered, I wonder if he was hoping to re-engage me and help and love him through it.  I wish I could in so many ways because my love for him is what causes me the most pain right now, but I believe that it would be very unwise for me to go there.  Believing for so many years that my love could and would someday heal and save him has been the source of so much destruction for me emotionally and physically. 

I was diagnosed with MS twelve years ago... .I am healthy because I have fought for that health through lifestyle changes... .but in the last months it has been more and more difficult to maintain my health because of all of the stress.  I know that I have to take care of myself now.  Taking care of him has been my goal and desire for 32 years of marriage.  It feels disorienting to stop that now but I know that I must, hard as that is for me to do.

Thank you again for the encouragement and wisdom from your experience.

[Notwendy]

Hi JeNNyN,

Dealing with infidelity is tough. One thing that may help to keep in mind is that, even if a person has BPD, they are still accountable for their behaviors. If your H broke the law, the judge wouldn't say "oh he doesn't need to go to jail, he has BPD". He would be accountable for what he did. He may need therapy and treatment, but he would still be accountable.

Also, BPD is a spectrum disorder. At the core of BPD is difficulty dealing with one's emotions and problems in intimate relationships. It can occur with other related behaviors- substance abuse, infidelity, but not necessarily.

When considering our own boundaries- we can decide what they are - BPD or no BPD. Someone married to someone who has occasional outburts may decide to work on the relationship or not - depending on their boundaries. Someone married to someone who is repeatedly cheating on them can decide that is a deal breaker- BPD or not.

The decision is base on you. Your H having BPD doesn't change your boundaries and what you feel is important in a marriage. Knowing your H has BPD can help you learn how to relate to him. Even if the two of you divorce, since you have children together, you will be in some sort of relationship with each other with regards to them.

If your H is committed to changing, then this takes time and effort, for anyone. What I have seen is that someone with BPD can be highly motivated to behave nicely- when they fear the person is leaving them. They can also behave nicely in other situations when they are very motivated to do so. However, once the person is back, the motivation ( fear of leaving ) is gone. Since the motivation was external - once it is gone, the person is back to the same patterns. It makes sense, since no learning of new relationship skills happened. People use the relationship skills they have. Learning new ones takes time, effort, and consistent motivation. I understand the longing for the day that he "gets it". It is hard to know if and when, or if that is possible. But my own belief is that, if that happens, it will be consistent and lasting over time. Not an instant "I'm good now, all is OK".