Dropped on my head, left without a home and daughter Pt. 2

[codependable]

I guess my biggest question is:

"How do I break the ice when I get back to Germany?"

She has said to contact her "if I ever come back" and "we can sit down and talk then".

Instead of some stiff meeting when both of us are on the defensive with things to say all planned out, I was planning on "bumping into" her and my daughter on their way to Kindergarten in the morning. It was our normal walk together every day.

I was hoping to see her, give her a big hug (while she was shocked to see me) and say, "Everything will be okay" in a very empathetic way. And of course, see my daughter too!

Is this a bad idea? Should I be more distant? I'm afraid if I am distant, that will cement her frame of "we're not a couple anymore".  I know she throws tons of ridiculous statements out there and most of the time I brush them off.

Should I accept that statement ("We're not a couple" at face value and act accordingly? Or should I act "like a rock" and brush it off like, "Hey, I'm back just like I promised. Of course we're a couple. We have a daughter together, we were engaged when I left and all this  happened. Give me a hug. It's me. We need to get work things out, etc".

Honestly, I'm afraid if I do accept her frame of "we're not a couple anymore", she goes on holiday a few days later and then she'll hook up with some other guy - which would forever doom our chances. Of course, I can't control that happening, but anything I can do to get her back in the mind frame of "I will give this a chance" would be good.

Do I tell her I love her and want her back? Or do I act detached and see if I can slowly warm her up to me with lunches, date nights, grocery shopping together, meetings, me being a good support system for her, etc? And then slowly start to build from there?

Mod note: this thread split from Part 1

[Grey Kitty]

I believe that it only takes one person to end a relationship. If she is done, she's done, and your opinion doesn't matter. Similarly, if you are done, you are done, and her opinion doesn't matter.

That said, I'm not sure she's DONE. She's very angry, but that isn't the same. As long as YOU still want to try, do it. I'm betting that things will change when you return to Germany. I'm not going to predict what the result will be, but it will at least shake things up a bit.

Don't change how you act when you show up to manipulate her. I wouldn't suggest "playing it cool" for that reason. I'd show up eager to see her... .but trying to be sensitive to her reaction... .eager to give her a big hug... .but not chasing her if she backs away!

If you love her and want to see her, want to reconcile with her, and want to be with her... .be honest, be vulnerable, and tell her.

I don't know about "bumping into" her by accident on purpose. (I know I wouldn't do it if I figured she would see through it and know I did it on purpose)

If I wanted to surprise her I would probably do it by knocking on the apartment door when I expected her to be home but hadn't warned her I was coming.

If I didn't want to surprise her, I would probably let her know I'm coming back, and that I'd arranged a place I could stay immediately since she told me I wasn't welcome there. Either when you buy plane tickets, or when you get on the plane. Or at the latest when you get off it.

What are you hoping to gain by surprising her?

[codependable]

If I wanted to surprise her I would probably do it by knocking on the apartment door when I expected her to be home but hadn't warned her I was coming.

I'm afraid she wouldn't let me in, feel threatened (as if I wanted to move back in), ending up with me at the doorway rejected and then shut down.  But maybe not. I would definitely come with a bouquet of flowers for her.  She loves them.

What are you hoping to gain by surprising her?

I wanted to surprise her so I could give her a hug before her anger / other negative emotions set in. She'd still be in shock and I think she would hug me back out of reflex.  Of course, it would guarantee I would see my daughter, too.  It would be very easy for her to close the door on me at the apartment, but would take a REAL effort to not let me see my daughter on the street. She would be in a stroller and I could just walk up to her and give her a hug, too.  It would also be neutral ground.

Then again, I could go to her apartment with the idea of "where is my stuff"? And that could get me in the door maybe.

I really appreciate your advice of being real, being vulnerable and taking it from there.

[formflier]

You need a clear legal answer from a German lawyer to the following scenario.

If you walk up to the door to your apartment, put in the key and the door opens... .are you ok to go in.

I'm assuming your stuff is in there.

If she doesn't want you there... .I would guess there is a procedure to evict you in Germany.  You don't want my assumptions, you want the legal facts.

Honestly... .the whole "bumping into" her thing seems contrived.  Find out from a L what your status is in the apartment, we can go from there on best way to approach this.

Last thought for now.

While you are still learning about BPD, rules, validation... all that.  I would say less contact is better.

That she is saying... .hinting... .whatever... .that if you come back... .to give her a call... .that is a good sign.

In the push pull world... she is "pulling" you a bit.  Remember the rules... .cut her "sign" in half and send her some pull back.  Then hush. 

What do you think that would look like?  (to send her a pull signal that is less than what she sent you)

FF

[codependable]

You need a clear legal answer from a German lawyer to the following scenario.

If you walk up to the door to your apartment, put in the key and the door opens... .are you ok to go in.

I'm assuming your stuff is in there.

If she doesn't want you there... .I would guess there is a procedure to evict you in Germany.  You don't want my assumptions, you want the legal facts.

Okay, will talk with my lawyer this week.

Honestly... .the whole "bumping into" her thing seems contrived.  Find out from a L what your status is in the apartment, we can go from there on best way to approach this.

Okay.

That she is saying... .hinting... .whatever... .that if you come back... .to give her a call... .that is a good sign.

It may just be to arrange something so I can visit our child. That's good, of course, but my goal is to reconcile with her. Hopefully, her willingness to meet "if I ever got back to Germany" is also a good sign for that. When I talked to her on the phone, she said "I'm done. I'm so done". But again, I'm learning to "loosely hold" what she says.

In the push pull world... she is "pulling" you a bit.  Remember the rules... .cut her "sign" in half and send her some pull back.  Then hush.
What do you think that would look like?  (to send her a pull signal that is less than what she sent you)

A pull signal that is less than what she gave me? I really have no idea. Maybe an email asking how she is doing?

No clue.

[formflier]

A pull signal would be something like this.

"Sounds good... .looking forward to talking to you in person."

as opposed to


"Oh my gosh... .I'm so happy you have allowed me to come back.  You are the best.  I've missed you soo bad, can't wait to hold you in my arms again... "  (I think you get the picture)

Remember... .less is more

If she is the type that really needs to be in control... .(they kind all do)

"Your idea sounds good... .will be good to talk in person again"

FF

[codependable]

A pull signal would be something like this.

"Sounds good... .looking forward to talking to you in person."

Ah, okay. Got it. Just that simple. Thanks.

[Grey Kitty]

I wanted to surprise her so I could give her a hug before her anger / other negative emotions set in. She'd still be in shock and I think she would hug me back out of reflex.

It sounds like you are afraid she will reject you, and hoping that you can "trick" her into not doing it.

I know with myself that when I let fear motivate me or drive me, I don't like myself or my choices very much--I really can't recommend that as a course of action.

Bringing flowers sounds excellent--it is an act of love, not an act of fear.

Q: Does she like surprises? (I mean smaller ones, not the kind you are talking about... .)

[formflier]

Rejection:  (Can also be called the "push" signal).  Here is the thing.  Instead of spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to do things so that she doesn't reject you, "radically accept" that it is going to happen at some point.

Imagine the rejection will be a nasty thunderstorm... .really big and scary.  Perhaps even full of hail.

Now... .think about the analogy... .   How long do thunderstorms last? 

Then... once the storm is past.  The air is usually fresh... .things are nice, until the next t-storm comes along.

They are going to happen.  So... .get a raincoat, umbrella... .go inside.  Basically take care of yourself during the storm with the knowledge that it will pass.

Once she realizes that her "t-storms" don't work so well... .they will come less frequently.

FF

[codependable]

Rejection:  (Can also be called the "push" signal).  Here is the thing.  Instead of spending a lot of time trying to figure out how to do things so that she doesn't reject you, "radically accept" that it is going to happen at some point.

Imagine the rejection will be a nasty thunderstorm... .really big and scary.  Perhaps even full of hail.

This is really powerful.

Now... .think about the analogy... .   How long do thunderstorms last? 

Then... once the storm is past.  The air is usually fresh... .things are nice, until the next t-storm comes along.

They are going to happen.  So... .get a raincoat, umbrella... .go inside.  Basically take care of yourself during the storm with the knowledge that it will pass.

Give me hope. Thanks... .

[formflier]

Since we are on the deciding board... .I'll continue the analogy... .   

Some parts of the country (USA) are known to have whopper T-storms.  Violent tornadoes happen often. 

That's what happens in that part of the country.  Most people that have thought it through, have a cellar that they go to, when there are storms in the area.

There is nothing wrong or right about the choice they made to live there.  They have organized their life to handle the issues that arise where they have chosen to live.

Other parts of the country have much more placid weather, others have colder weather, warmer... .you get the picture.

Again... .personal preference on where you live.

Moving to the Dakotas in winter... .without a coat... .is not smart.

Same with moving to the Florida Keys with only a heavy coat... .and no sunblock.

FF

[codependable]

There is nothing wrong or right about the choice they made to live there.  They have organized their life to handle the issues that arise where they have chosen to live.

This is helpful.

I can see now my "dealing" with her BPD/NPD has been me trying to get her to "see the light" on her disorder, acknowledge how she treated me, try to stop the spotlight constantly shifted to me, calling her out on her terrible devaluation of me, her twisted way of looking at things, her gaslighting, her lack of loyalty, her constantly "holding the relationship hostage" when disussing her behavior and total lack of accountability from her.

This, of course, is the "logical way" people in relationships deal with things: a loving, open, back-and-forth exchange so both partners can resolve old hurt feelings and move forward. It's now clear this is NOT the approach I should have been taking with her.

In fact, far from it. From what I understand here, I should NOT engage her crazy thinking, stop pointing out her twisted logic and games, but still VALIDATE how she is feeling. But at the same time, refuse to get sucked into circular arguments, head games and drama. Basically, hunker down until the storm passes. Get out of the apartment, go for a walk and don't try to refute what she is saying. Just validate that is her reality, if not mine.

So it sounds like both of you guys think the "popping up on the street" idea is a bad one. And that you both think I should just show up at "our" home with flowers in my hand and knock on the door.  And don't apologize for seeing my other daughters in California, but acknowledge it hurt her for me to be gone.

Is that basically right?

[Grey Kitty]

There are many things I've learned to do to make my r/s with a pwBPD work better... .much from the tools and lessons I've learned here. I've given you a lot of advice along those lines.

For example, regarding this list... .

I can see now my "dealing" with her BPD/NPD has been me trying to get her to "see the light" on her disorder, acknowledge how she treated me, try to stop the spotlight constantly shifted to me, calling her out on her terrible devaluation of me, her twisted way of looking at things, her gaslighting, her lack of loyalty, her constantly "holding the relationship hostage" when disussing her behavior and total lack of accountability from her.

Every one of the things which concerns and upsets you is a problem, or is bad behavior in a relationship.

And pretty much any way I can imagine to convince her of any of this would be invalidating, and that is one of the lessons--don't be invalidating if you can avoid it. So just don't do it. It will only make your relationship worse.

I also hold some core values, like honesty, both for moral/ethical and practical reasons. For example:

don't apologize for seeing my other daughters in California

If you don't regret doing it, an apology wouldn't be honest.

Good chance she won't believe you anyways.

I bet you would do it again in a few months or a year, so your dishonesty will be proven by your actions.

This example doesn't really seem specific to BPD to me. I guess pwBPD are more likely to be insanely jealous and make this an issue than healthy people, but this situation could happen with anybody.

... .I think showing up "accidentally" where and when you know she will be is deceptive, and worse, you are likely to get caught/busted on the deception.

From what I understand here, I should NOT engage her crazy thinking, stop pointing out her twisted logic and games, but still VALIDATE how she is feeling. But at the same time, refuse to get sucked into circular arguments, head games and drama.

Yes, both those things are true.

Not staying for verbal abuse and circular arguments is the right thing to do. Have you read these workshops on boundaries?

BOUNDARIES: Upholding our values and independence

BOUNDARIES: Case studies

Validation is also an excellent practice. Two points about validation to consider:

1. It is a bit more advanced and subtle, and will take practice to successfully validate.

As you come to understand it, you will probably notice that getting validation 99% right, with just 1% invalidation mixed in, results in tainting the lot of it, and you don't end up with any of the benefits of validation.

2. Validation is much easier to do with somebody who isn't already upset.

You are probably hoping you can use validation "calm her down" when she starts to get upset. That is *possible*, but even if you are very good at it, it doesn't work most of the time.

The more effective way to use it is to try to look for opportunities to validate her feelings any and all times, especially when she's not upset, or when she's upset but not AT YOU.

Used this way, it doesn't end the fights... .but it does lower the temperature overall a lot, perhaps preventing fights before you even knew they were possible.

And conversely, a bit of invalidation will often pick a fight, when there was no need/reason for one.

[formflier]

but acknowledge it hurt her for me to be gone.

Take out the bold... .

You are right to erase all thoughts of "fixing" or "turning" her to a happier place.  

Empathy is meeting a person where they are.  Instead of telling them they shouldn't be down in that dark hole... .and that it's nice and light if they would just crawl out of the hole.  Crawl down in there and let them know you are there.  Practically speaking... .look at them... .try to match mood or "bring your mood down"... .speak softer... .friendlier.  

"I noticed your eyes are puffy and red.  Are you sad?  I'm here to listen... "

So... .back to the "take out the bold" comment I started with.

Lots of us on these boards tend to be very logical and have trouble with "being in the moment" with an emotional person.

Soo... .use a checklist.

Step 1:  DO NOT INVALIDATE  Head back up to GKs post about 99% validation and 1% invalidation.  Invalidation is pouring gas on a fire.  Validation is oiling rusty gears.  I would much rather you DO LESS validation and avoid invalidation altogether, than be the greatest validater, yet every once and a while you squirt gas on something.  

Step 2:  DO NOT VALIDATE THE INVALID  See my first comment about taking out the bold.  You are fine all day long to validate that someone is hurting... .happy... sad... .whatever.  

Emotions are... .(just leave it that simple... .and lots of other things in a relationship fall in place)

Validating or agreeing that she hurts because you are gone is likely invalid.  She hurts... .your departure is a convenient place for her to "hang that hurt".  You have no responsibility to correct how she handles her emotions... .NONE WHATSOEVER.  You DO have a responsibility to NOT MAKE IT WORSE BY YOUR ACTIONS.

Step 3:  Validate.

FF

[codependable]

Empathy is meeting a person where they are.  Instead of telling them they shouldn't be down in that dark hole... .and that it's nice and light if they would just crawl out of the hole.  Crawl down in there and let them know you are there.  Practically speaking... .look at them... .try to match mood or "bring your mood down"... .speak softer... .friendlier.

This is extremely powerful.

So hard for me to do in the past, however. I get caught up in the insults (towards me), name-calling, etc.

Lots of us on these boards tend to be very logical and have trouble with "being in the moment" with an emotional person.

So true. I know that's my problem, too.

Step 1:  DO NOT INVALIDATE  Head back up to GKs post about 99% validation and 1% invalidation.  Invalidation is pouring gas on a fire.  Validation is oiling rusty gears.  I would much rather you DO LESS validation and avoid invalidation altogether, than be the greatest validater, yet every once and a while you squirt gas on something.

Got it. Makes sense.

Step 2:  DO NOT VALIDATE THE INVALID  See my first comment about taking out the bold.  You are fine all day long to validate that someone is hurting... .happy... sad... .whatever.

Validating or agreeing that she hurts because you are gone is likely invalid.  

Never would have thought that. I thought that would be validating. But does make sense - as you say, maybe she's just hurting and doesn't know why. I guess he validation is simply, "I see you're hurting"

She hurts... .your departure is a convenient place for her to "hang that hurt".  You have no responsibility to correct how she handles her emotions... .NONE WHATSOEVER.  You DO have a responsibility to NOT MAKE IT WORSE BY YOUR ACTIONS.

I think this is what I've been doing: trying to get her to "see the light". And then adding fuel to the fire.

By the way, I called our cleaning lady in Germany today and spoke to her (she's really cool and I have a good rapport with her).

She CONFIRMED that the locks on my apartment door have been changed. She was given a new key.  I asked her if my GF had been seeing another guy and she said, "She hasn't said that to me. I don't think so. No. And I have seen NO signs of that in the apartment. No signs of another man in the apartment at all."

She also told me where my GF is going with my daughter over Christmas: to visit a friend about four hours away in Western Germany. She is not leaving the country as far as I know.

Now that I KNOW the locks on our apartment have been changed.  Is this confirmation that it is hopeless?  Is this a sign - do you think - that she is really DONE?

[formflier]

The locks being changed... .means she changed the locks.  She wants control over her environment.

She has your stuff... .and it's where you lived. 

Learn the lesson:  Never ever ever ever ever live with this woman again without ensuring legal access and control over where you sleep and you put your stuff. 

DON'T EVER BUDGE on this.  (You don't have to tell her this, it's your decision).  If she wants you to move back in... or get another place with her, we can guide you through that conversation.

Get firm answer from German lawyer on if what she did is lawful... .and your rights to get your stuff.

Other issues as well... .but for sure nail this down.

Have you talked to the lawyer?

When are you going to fly back to Germany?

FF

[Grey Kitty]

Now that I KNOW the locks on our apartment have been changed.  Is this confirmation that it is hopeless?  Is this a sign - do you think - that she is really DONE?

Calm down, man.

We aren't magicians looking into some BPD crystal ball to figure out what she really thinks. There aren't any "signs".

Looking at her actions, trying to find proof that either A) she still loves you and will make everything better, or B) All his hopeless and she is DONE is just going to make you crazy.

It is also black and white all or nothing thinking. Try not to get trapped in that kind of thing. Even if she is does. And she probably will.

The real world is much more ambiguous than that. And part of the ambiguity is that she does fall into this trap of black-and-white thinking, and she will paint you 100% black, in all ways... .until she doesn't. And you can have a little bit of influence, but ultimately, you have no control over this, and she hardly has any either.

All you can do is stick to YOUR values and do the best you can no matter which way she's blowing in the wind.

[flourdust]

The locks being changed... .means she changed the locks.  She wants control over her environment.

It also means that she sometimes follows through on her threats. She has made other threats, including reporting you to the police and social services. You need to work with an attorney to determine if there's some kind of legal action taking place against you.

[codependable]

The locks being changed... .means she changed the locks.  She wants control over her environment.

You're right. I'm probably reading too much into this. It's just that I'm flying SO blind right now that I guess I would like to have SOME indication of what will happen when I get back.

Learn the lesson:  Never ever ever ever ever live with this woman again without ensuring legal access and control over where you sleep and you put your stuff. 

I won't ever make that mistake again.

DON'T EVER BUDGE on this.  (You don't have to tell her this, it's your decision).  If she wants you to move back in... or get another place with her, we can guide you through that conversation.

Okay, that would be great.

Get firm answer from German lawyer on if what she did is lawful... .and your rights to get your stuff.

I will. I will speak to my lawyer when I get back to Germany early next week.

[codependable]

It also means that she sometimes follows through on her threats. She has made other threats, including reporting you to the police and social services. You need to work with an attorney to determine if there's some kind of legal action taking place against you.

This is a good point. Maybe I should speak to my attorney via Skype before I leave.

My pwBPD GF did say that she did NOT give my name to the police. I asked twice and she said, "No" both times. She said she simply reported the passport stolen so another person couldn't use it.

[formflier]

Talk to lawyer first... .before you travel. 

Also... .might be best to start a different thread to talk about your communication with your GF.

Asking her lots of precise legal questions about what she did... .and asking repeatedly... .is playing with fire.

I'm assuming your goal is to get back in relationship with her and your daughter... .playing with fire is not a good idea.

FF

[codependable]

Incidentally, I emailed her yesterday with "How are you and M(daughter)?"

I was shocked that she actually replied:

"M is fine. Thank you for asking"

Maybe in the wacko push-pull world, this is a "tiny" pull?

[codependable]

Talk to lawyer first... .before you travel. 
Asking her lots of precise legal questions about what she did... .and asking repeatedly... .is playing with fire.

I'm assuming your goal is to get back in relationship with her and your daughter... .playing with fire is not a good idea.

Yes, that's true.  I do want to get back into the relationship with her and my daughter.  Not sure why this is "playing with fire"?  Is it just too adversarial?  Or too triggering?

[formflier]

Playing with fire is something that might set her off for no good reason.

You know... .you absolutely know for sure that some things she will lie to you about.  Some come true.  That is based on her emotions of the moment.

So... .what if she is telling the truth now... .what if she is not?

Why even ask her these types of questions... .you can't trust the answer.  It brings up a subject that she has likely moved on from.

That's what I mean by playing with fire.

If you want to know... .get your L to find out.

FF

[codependable]

Playing with fire is something that might set her off for no good reason.

Why even ask her these types of questions... .you can't trust the answer.  It brings up a subject that she has likely moved on from.

I see.

[codependable]

A pull signal would be something like this.

"Sounds good... .looking forward to talking to you in person."

Incidentally, I emailed her a couple days ago with "How are you and M(daughter)?"

I was shocked she actually replied.  She said,

"M is fine. Thank you for asking"

She's obviously trying to make it clear "we're done" by not responding to my inquiry about how SHE is doing.  But maybe in the wacko push-pull world by saying, "thank you for asking", could this be a tiny "pull"?

Reason I say that is that's not at all how she has sounded the last month or so.

Still trying to learn these pull-pull dynamics... .

[Grey Kitty]

I try to disengage from push-pull games, not engage in them.

Trying to figure out "what she really means" isn't your answer, because that isn't how she thinks.

Your feelings toward her aren't like hers are toward you. You may get mad or hurt, but you don't forget that you love her at those times... .even if you do get overcome and perhaps do or say something a bit rash. Your core feelings are stable.

Hers are not. She will truly believe what she says to you when she says it. And a day or a week or a month later, she will truly believe it when she says the exact opposite. And she doesn't really see that there is a contradiction there.

You are looking for some core belief and feelings of hers that are stable over time, and looking for hints as to what they really are from what she says in any given email. The core stability you have isn't there for you to find. Stop looking for it.

Does this make any sense?

[codependable]

You are looking for some core belief and feelings of hers that are stable over time, and looking for hints as to what they really are from what she says in any given email. The core stability you have isn't there for you to find. Stop looking for it.

Does this make any sense?

Yes, it does.  Makes things very clear, actually.  A breakthrough in fact.

You're exactly right: I've told her in the past, "Just because I'm mad at you or sad about something you did or said hurtful words to you, it doesn't mean I don't love you anymore. I have a strong foundation of love for you.  An argument won't rock that foundation.  It's there."

In fact, I've said this many times to her over the past couple of years and she was always like, "Huh?"  She just didn't get it - and didn't believe it.

This is one of the problems, I think.  That "core stability" in her feelings.  This is a very, very good point.  I keep looking for some core stability feeling, but never find it.

She once told me, "I have this thing where if somebody is not physically present with me, I feel like they don't love me anymore".

Not that statement makes perfect sense.  Because SHE can't love somebody who is not physically present with her, she can't understand how someone else could.

And many other times I've told her I love her she's looked at me with a sad face and said, "You do?"

Wow, now that I think about it, how sad.

But as far as push-pull dynamics, I thought you said to give her "half" of what she gives you.  But it also makes sense to not get wrapped up in those games.

[formflier]

I'm also wondering, after reading this, if you are professing your love for her too much.

Something to think about.

If you are too far out in front of her... .where she is exclaiming "you do?"... .that indicates to me you are taking her emotionally to a place where she isn't comfortable.

Perhaps you are giving her a 6 on the "love bomb" scale and she would respond better to a 3... .something calmer.

Remember... .whatever signal she is sending... ."stay inside it"... .to help her get back to neutral.

FF

Also... .likely best to stop explaining how your feelings work to her.  Probably best to stop asking her about hers... .or probing deeply.

Much better to "do" a r/s with a pwBPD than to talk about it.  Let them take the lead on what they are comfortable talking about.

[Grey Kitty]

But as far as push-pull dynamics, I thought you said to give her "half" of what she gives you.  But it also makes sense to not get wrapped up in those games.

My opinion is that push-pull games are ugly games, and I don't like playing them. Giving her "half" sounds like keeping score in that game and participating in it, which I don't recommend.

You can try to play them to win. The versions of that I've seen look like pickup artist games when a guy does it. Tearing down a woman's (already fragile) self-esteem to get what you want from her. I've read a little bit of that playbook, and it isn't anything I want to do. (There is a different but similarly dark and manipulative playbook for women)

Honestly, I'd probably be dumping a woman or backing away if she started playing those games with me... .but that isn't your goal here--you want to reconcile, and I'm trying to support you in those efforts.

So what you do is refuse to engage in this game. If she pushes you away hard, rejecting you, don't engage in the pitiful begging and chasing. If she runs away, let her have some space. If she starts chasing after you, don't run away to keep her chasing.

Instead, stick to your core values (which are stable), and here are the two that come to mind and apply:
1. You love her and care for her and want to be close to her.
2. You respect her, and will honor her stated wishes and feelings*

* Honor them at the time she expresses them. Give her space when she says "Go away forever, I never want to see you again." As I said, she doesn't have stable core values, so don't take the words like "always" "forever" "never" in her statements to heart, and don't feel like you need to honor them.