BPDS26 returned home 12 months ago - update

[Lollypop]

 

I can't believe it's exactly 12 months since our adult BPDs26 returned home.  I thought it would be useful to post an update on our situation for others to read.

Bpds26 was diagnosed at 24 in California following a crisis; fortunately he took himself to hospital. We live in the UK.

I was so worried about how we would cope with his return, we'd given up completely on him ever living happily or functioning. There was no hope and our relationship was at an all time low.  I couldn't think of one good thing to say about him; he'd caused us so much pain, anxiety and financial strain.

We took it one day at a time.  I got active on this forum reading and posting often.  I read and learnt about BPD.  I practised validation skills and even posted up whole dialogues for feedback which I found really helpful.  The more I learnt the more I understood about his behaviours, limitations and challenges.

I got overwhelmed at first with so much to learn (and there's still so much to learn!) but I could see I had three priorities:

1   provide a supportive and loving environment
2   improve our relationship
3   get BPDs to have financial management skills so he will be able to live independently eventually

I also started to understand that I had to stop doings things that he should be doing for himself.

It seemed an overwhelming task.  I had to change and demonstrate behaviours I wanted to see in my family.

What happened is that BPDs's triggers started to be clearer.  I tried to be light as a fairy, never talking about anything heavy and our home started to become calm and relaxed for the first time.  Bpds slowly started to respond positively.

The keys were:
me not to tell him what to do
me not to do anything that he should be doing himself
not give him any money
not to react to him
phased increase in responsibilities such as the introduction of rent and the need to save for a family holiday

Bpds is now working quite regularly, he has achieved some goals like buying a car and paying for a training course himself.  He has a girlfriend and, despite some very rocky periods, is determined to have a healthy relationship. He hopes to travel for 3 months next spring.  I can't believe this has happened and I honestly never felt this situation was possible.

My plan is that he will be leaving home at some point in 2017 and I hope that he will be ready. I remain flexible.

On the negative side:  BPDs smokes weed every day and very sadly he doesn't seek treatment.  Obviously, BPDs does have a flare up of anger or frustration when things are challenging for him - I welcome these instances as they remind him, and us, that whilst he has progressed so much there's still far to go and he needs treatment.  I hope that he takes the step to be ultimately responsible for himself in this. We wait patiently.

His life will never be what we hoped for him.  He will need to find a way to live independently as we have our own lives to live.  This life won't involve a career but it will be work he is capable of managing.  Highly intelligent and eloquent, caring and funny we love him for all that he is.

Thank you all for your support.  This forum is my life saver.  We now have hope.

Hugs to you all 


 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[drained1996]

Thanks for sharing Lollypop, very encouraging!  You should be proud of yourself for the role you have and will continue to play.   

[Bright Day Mom]

Lollypop, Congratulations not only for surviving the last 12 months but for all of the wonderful progress!

[Yepanotherone]

Love this LP, you are my inspiration when I'm wearing my negative pants 

[Rockieplace]

Lovely post Lori!  I know it has been very tough at times but I have been with you in thought all the way.  Knowing that there are others walking similar paths and sharing the ups and downs - some with far more difficult challenges too - helps so much.  Radical acceptance makes the process somewhat easier too doesn't it?  It's a work in progress for me!    

[Lollypop]

Hi there

That's the thing: some families are facing such terrible challenges and I have to remind myself to keep perspective.  Also to accept that a lot depends on your own mindset and emotional environment at any particular time.

Some days you just feel stronger than others. It's all ok, I understand that everybody here knows how I feel, it's worth it's weight in gold knowing this. We have to find a way to live.

I savour the good times, try and accept they may not last but I'll be ok to cope.

My life does not revolve around BPD! Not today anyway!

Hugs to you all. Take care of yourselves, really.

L

[Dogsaregreat]

So there is hope!

[Lollypop]

Hi there dogs are great

At this moment in time we are all doing ok. There are problems, problems that two years ago I would have put at the top of my priority list to fix. I try not to fix anymore and wait in the hope he seeks treatment and stops self medicating. It's difficult to watch but it's achievable only because of the progress made over time

Take care of yourself

L

[wendydarling]

Well done LP, you've worked hard to change and worked harder each day. I'm so pleased life is better for you, son and family than 12 months ago when we landed here. Thanks for sharing your learning and growth and for your great support and friendship and for showing us how to do a 're-do' 

Peace.
WDx

[Lollypop]

Hi WD

I love re-dos!

I've just read a quote that sums up how I'm feeling for my BPDs who does not seek treatment but chooses to pop blue bills:

WHAT YOU RESIST, STILL PERSISTS

I may use that one the next time I get an opportunity I nudge him along, I'll say it with a kind smile.

I post a lot and sometimes wonder if I get on people's nerves as generally there's not a reply. That could be my own paranoia or just that the person I'm replying too just isn't ready. Posting helps me immensely stay on track and it feels good to try at least help in small ways.

I reflect a lot. The irony of being emotionally more close to my BPDs than I've ever been but the more detached than ever. I will work hard to keep it that way when his next crisis comes as I totally understand it will come at some point.

Thanks for the support and friendship.

I get my first course mark and feedback today!

Have a great day

L