I don't know how to handle this

[Rainchild]

My daughter is messaging me with pictures of her arms covered with scars, some of them are done recently there are also old scars, hundreds of them. Or she sends a picture from inside of an ambulance after she has been cutting "too much". This after we have been speaking on the phone for hours and I thought we finally were getting somewhere with this, being honest and willing to make improvements, sorting things out. Like I have been given hope, but that has only been happening in my head. Because I am been taken down, every time. This is clear: nobody can do anything to take her out of this, there is no help, she does not want any help. Like she loves being miserable. Her talks about suicide, she didn't do much about that until lately. How do you respond and try to talk her out of all that when you are full of fear?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DisneyMom]

I don't have the answers but I just want to send you support, as this is so extremely hard to deal with. My 17 year BPD DD seems to to love being miserable too. She cycles very quickly between being loving and sweet and wanting my help, to being hateful and blaming me for everything. I would just tell her you're guessing she is communicating her pain to you by sending you the the pictures. It's SO hard to see those images, god knows, I know but it's best if you can keep your own emotions in check and then use the S.E.T. as a response. Try not to be dragged into any circular conversations. You don't say how old your DD is, but if she is a minor, and if she is talking suicide, she goes to the hospital. If she is an adult and threatening herself, call 911 first. Then I would listen and validate until authorities arrive

[Kwamina]

Hi Rainchild,

I am very sorry you are dealing with such a difficult situation. It is horrible when your child cuts herself and talks about suicide. Your daughter has been cutting herself for a number of years. When did her talk about suicide start?

I also read your other post in which you say everything started to change since she was about 11/12 years old. How old is your daughter now? Where does your daughter live?

You also mention in your other post that your daughter is heavily medicated. Does she perhaps also get any targeted (talking) therapy for her issues?

The situation with your daughter is definitely very concerning and I can understand why you are feeling discouraged after dealing with this for so long now. You are right that your daughter ultimately must want the help to be able to change. That day can still come and with the right targeted help, her situation might yet improve.

I agree with DisneyMom that the best thing you can do is focus on your own communication and responses. The tools in the right-hand side margin of this board can be helpful, such as listening with empathy, validating the valid (and only the valid, not the invalid) and S.E.T. which stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. You have been dealing with this for quite some time now and have already tried a lot of things. Going over the material on this site will hopefully lead you to some new insights that you can benefit from in your interactions with your daughter.

Here is a link to a workshop about dealing with suicidal ideation and threats of suicide from our loved ones:
TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Take care

[Sadgirl92]

d then use the S.E.T. as a response

Sorry... .what is SET?

[Sadgirl92]

Like she loves being miserable.

Gosh I say this all the time about my 23d. Like addicted to sadness. I'm sure this is a real thing. It makes me mad because it's her own brain who can change it but since she's addicted well... .that's not going to be easy. It also makes me sad cuz I just want the child that raised is stuck and I feel helpless.

Glad we found a place to talk to others. Idk about u but I thought I was the only one

[Kwamina]

Hi Sadgirl92

I would also like to welcome you to our online community

d then use the S.E.T. as a response

Sorry... .what is SET?

The acronym S.E.T. stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. Here is some information about it:

The S.E.T. communication pattern was developed by Jerold J. Kreisman, MD and Hal Straus for communication with a person with BPD (pwBPD). It consists of a 3 step sequence where first Support is signaled, then Empathy is demonstrated and in a third step Truth is offered.

Few tools are easier to learn as S.E.T. and are as effective in getting across to a pwBPD. Few tools are as universal in everyday life with anyone. It is sort of an walking-on-eggshell antidote.

You can read more here:
Express your truth - S.E.T.: Support, Empathy, Truth

And if you are wondering about D.E.A.R.M.A.N., you can read about that here:
Assert yourself - D.E.A.R.M.A.N.: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Stay Mindful, Appear Confident and Negotiate

You definitely aren't the only one dealing with this and I hope that participating here will make you feel less alone

[borderlinebunny]

Believe me, we definitely do not "love" feeling the way we do; the rate of suicide for us is so high precisely because we want to escape from the terrible feelings. I know that to people without BPD, it must surely seem that we "love" or are somehow addicted to feeling these emotions, but it couldn't be further from the truth. I really hope that everyone in this thread is seeking help for themselves too. I know what it's like living with BPD, but I don't know how incredibly hard it must be to care for someone with it.