BPD Wife Fears I Will Take Kid

[Portent]

My BPD wife has lost custody of her 2 children from a her previous marriage due to her own actions. She still wants a divorce from me but she fears I will take our son away from her. The last thing I want in the world is for our son to lose his mother.

How do I assuage her fears?

[Turkish]

Are there concerns that warrant going for more than joint custody on your side?

If not,  then you can validate the "joint" verbiage (my lawyer told me not to say "50/50" because the kids were people,  not objects, it helped my mindset).

It's it your feeling at this point that you might be able to co-parent rather than parallel parent, at least initially?

[Portent]

We have a verbal agreement to share custody and a written one. She is affraid because sge has just lost custody of her other 2 kids because she has gone off the deep end and decided to drive drunk to the objection of her ex leaving a funtion for her kid. She fears I will do the same thing.

All I want is for her to get help, she is seeing a DBT therapist next week, and be a mother to our son.

[Turkish]

I negotiated a custody order while my ex was living with me,  engaged in another r/s, and it was only filed maybe four months after she moved out.  If you read through the communication tools on the Improving Board (lesson 3), they might help. 

In this case,  it sounds like her r/s with her "white Knight" has failed.  She's falling back to her safe zone to sooth: your child.

I think you can validate her getting help,  but this is also tricky since one of the core feelings of a pwBPD is shame.  My ex used to accuse me of "throwing her 'sickness'" in her face. Three years later,  is different,  but that's another story... .

Since this is new,  I assume your written agreement isn't a court order? My ex wanted to do the verbal/written thing,  but this doesn't hold any legal protections. She seemed terrified of going to court. I did hire a L, but we worked it out without going to court.  Just negotiating, singing (I pay CS, but we negotiated that too), and filing with the county. No court necessary.  I constantly reinforced that filing protected the kids and her.  That helped assuage her fears

[Portent]

I dont know of the relationship with the loser douche has failed. She says it has. His wife was in contact with her ex-husband and he spilled the beans on her. Then the wife laid it out to the loser and with the DUI and endangerment charges he had to see that he wasn't going to see his kids again if he insisted on staying with my pwBPD. Sadly I had a little contact with he ex when he was threatening to confront her white night and felt she violated their custody agreement by introducing them to the alcoholic loser. I managed to talk him down because I didn't think the relationship was going to last. He basically lied his ass off to her and she was starting to see through it.

However, she found out about this sit-down I had and my talking to her ex and not informing her was enough to at least in her mind make me the enemy. I didn't informer her because she was not rational and I was afraid she would do something stupid and make it worse. She confirmed this 3 days later when she drove drunk with the kids to spite her ex. I was speeding in my car to stop her BTW. I missed her by 3 minutes.

Right now she doesn't want to take any formal action on our divorce until she is past her legal troubles with the DUI and her ex. My therapists who has seen both of us and agrees that she is a pwBPD says that means the relationship with the loser is over because she will not leave me without another man lined up. A pwBPD cannot be alone.

[ForeverDad]

She confirmed this 3 days later when she drove drunk with the kids to spite her ex.

Doesn't matter whether her reasons were good or not, she put the children at risk.  Agencies and courts view that as a major no-no, a hot button issue in a small group of hot button issues.  Maybe your child wasn't in the car with her - ? - but the fact that she did it with his kids - in spite? - demonstrates her judgment is skewed and unstable.  That it was actionable for her ex's kids likely means it can be actionable for you, if you choose to pursue it.

Seek legal advice of course.  Ask the lawyer whether her DUI now could be used later.  I see two issues: (1) Not taking action now could make future court or CPS involvement question your judgment by not taking action now and (2) the longer you delay to take action on the DUI and its implications, the less actionable (or legally more 'stale' it may be viewed.

I know you're trying not to upset her or rock the boat, but that's not the priority, right?  Children and their best interests or safety take priority, wouldn't you think?  So how do you think it best to manage these competing issues?

[Portent]

Im fully aware of the risk with CPS. However, this major screw up has at the very least forced her into therapy. I want here to get help. The therapist is well trained in DBT. Long run I want her to be a better mother for her 3 kids.

[Portent]

Im done with her, the person I loved doesnt exist anymore if she ever did. All that is left is a demon.I worked with her ex to get her kids back. She knows this, even thanked me by text whwn she found out. All she can say when the kids come nack is I should just leave because they want to play with me. After losing her kids by 5pm she was the same evil harpy to them she has been for the past year. All i carw about now is my kid and my 2 stwp kida who I love dearly. My wife is a lost cause. She can rot for all I care.

[ambivalentmom]

I wanted to comment because my ex used that tactic when he didn't want to separate.  He said that if he left I would try to take his daughter from him.  Me being the supportive person that I am, gave him more time than usual (every weekend) to show that he could be with her the times he wanted.  Came back to bite me for a few years.

I whole heartedly agree with ForeverDad and safety/health of yourself and your son should be your concern.  I think the real answer is not to assuage her fears at all.  Let her therapist do that.  We all want our exes to be the best parent they can, but their choices are not ours to make.  If she is willing to seek help and work toward being a better mom, support her by praising her, but don't take on anything yourself.  She lost custody, ex didn't take custody.  She put the children at serious risk and is unfit to be primary guardian at this time.  She would probably be considered unfit to raise your son if she still believes losing her kids was not a consequence of her poor parenting.

You may know all this and know taking care of yourself is the most important, but if you still want to try to help her, talk with her about a couples session with the therapist.  Open up a dialog about working with her on being a mom, her fears, her disorder, and what you really want for all the children.  If you can regularly contact the therapist, then you can give updates or concerns and see that she is still going.  There are a lot of resources on this site when communicating with pwBPD that might help too.  Use SET to come up with a plan for keeping the kids safe, but spending time with mom (she can spend a lot of time with them if she follows guidelines).  Please keep us posted, I am concerned because of the phrasing in your posts and this seems very new.  We may be very one sided on some issues, but we really do want to support you.  Have a great week.

[Portent]

Her ex backed off for the good of the kids. It was her 1st DUI and it would have been an ugly ugly fight. At best he could win legal custody. The court would still require shared physical custody.

And yes I am done with trying to win her back. I want to have a good relationship with her because she is the mother of my kid but she is a downright evil person. I had to come to the realization that the reason she wants me gone has nothing to do with me but with hour kid. She doesn't' like being a full-time mom. She would rather have her kids half of the time so she can be the 10 year old that she really is the other half. She is working hard to get her new boyfriend to leave his wife and lose his kids because she has no intention of being a stepmom to his 5 kids. She just wants him to be what I used to be. Someone she can travel with without the encumbrance of children.

What she has done to me is bad. But what she has done to him and his family is even worse. I wouldn't be surprised if his eldest son ends up committing suicide. That young man is in horrible shape and since xxx is a depressive his son likely is too. He is reading a book aloud in class about adultery and how it affects the family. His mother says he is going into a major depression and his father is ignoring it because he has no self-esteem and is being idolized by my wife. When young adults who are prone to depression go through that first bad depression it frequently ends in suicide. Two years ago my wife and I attended the funeral of the son of a good friend who took his own life when suffering with this first major depression. When I engaged my wife on this, she brought it up I didn't but I already knew, she shut me down. I pray that I'm wrong and it doesnt happen but I am worried.

Right now I actually get solace in the fact that her new victim will eventually be devalued by my wife and I will get a front row seat.

[ambivalentmom]

Hello again,
     I was reading some of your previous posts and you have a very complex situation, but you are very intelligent, logical, and well written in what you are going through.  You have a therapist to work this out with, have read supportive material, and explain the situation very well.  You are also very insightful about the challenges with your step kids and her potential step kids.  I do hope his eldest son is able to seek out help, even if from the school counselor to start.  I would think his book choice would raise some red flags already.

Also, make sure your wife living with you is what's best for you and the kids.  She doesn't want to separate because she has other legal issues/trying to line up a new man might not be as important as how it is affecting the children.  Try to focus all these decisions with separating, custody, etc. based on the mom that she is, not the mom you hope she can be or the mom she promises to be.  If she changes, great, you can change your decisions to reflect.

Finally, be wary of triggers and false accusations (the real reason to have her move out).  Talk with you T about a plan if there is an incident where she needs to leave for her own, yours, or the safety of the children.

You are very intelligent and will understand her better than anyone her, so you will know best what decisions to make.  Keep us posted if there is anything you would like to talk about or get support with.  Take care.   

[ambivalentmom]

and I forgot, working with a T for co-parenting issues, not marriage issues might help keep you in the loop and help T uncover more about ex.  If her T was warming her up to the idea of therapy, I wouldn't think the T would be quick to diagnose her.

[Portent]

and I forgot, working with a T for co-parenting issues, not marriage issues might help keep you in the loop and help T uncover more about ex.  If her T was warming her up to the idea of therapy, I wouldn't think the T would be quick to diagnose her.

She told me her therapist did not want to talk to me. Which is odd for a DBT therapist. She lies like a fish breathes water so she may have well told the therapist I dont want to participate.

[Portent]

I do think that living with her is the best thing. It lets me stay aroubd to protect my step kids from her. At the very least it keeps her under control because she knows full well that I want to see a change in how she treats our stepson before I will trust her with our own. Hopefully my presence will encourage her yo stay in therapy in order to avoid a fight over custody with me.

[scraps66]

This could very well be case of your BP "speaking" her thoughts and she is projecting those those onto you, that you are the one that could Run off or "take" the kids from her rather than her demonstrating behavior that is consistent with someone that should not have even split custody. 

It may be impossible to convince her otherwise even if you have an order that states she gets ample time.  To her full control = full custody, and nothing else will meet her emotional needs.