How in the world am I going say Let's start some boundaries?

[Sadgirl92]

I love the setting boundaries method. But my kid has rage! Like sees red rage! if I sit her down and say "hay let's set some boundaries mmmkay?" She's going to reply "set boundaries with me! Are you kidding me? If anyone needs to set boundaries here it's ME with YOU!"
Annnnd there goes the boundaries idea. Anybody know any other way to set this boundary idea without it sounding like a boundary?  is that even possible? I got  a hot head on my hands here and I just don't know how I'm going to do this.

Ps. I may seem flippant. I'm just try to make light of my bad situation. Is that denial? I sound like I need the help. Well I made an appointment with her psych doc so she can help me as well. Cuz I'm breaking here folks. Merry Christmas.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Lollypop]

Hi sad girl

It's walking on egg shells isn't it. I used to do a merry old dance, skirting around after building myself up to have a "conversation".  I felt so unsure of myself and still do when something crops up that I need to deal with.

Could you tell us a bit more about your daughter and your situation.

What boundaries do you want to set?

L

[Lollypop]

Hi sad girl

I'm sorry as I hadn't seen your previous post. So your daughter is 23, living at home with you.

My BPDs26 internalises and doesn't rage so it's tricky sometimes to second guess what's going on. Even now when our relationship is so much better I'm amazed to discover that his perception is so very different to mine when we've been dealing with an issue.

What boundaries do you think you need?

[Sadgirl92]

Hi sad girl

I'm sorry as I hadn't seen your previous post. So your daughter is 23, living at home with you.

My BPDs26 internalises and doesn't rage so it's tricky sometimes to second guess what's going on. Even now when our relationship is so much better I'm amazed to discover that his perception is so very different to mine when we've been dealing with an issue.

What boundaries do you think you need?

Hi lollypop. Do I hit reply at the bottom of my post or quote so u can see my reply? But to answer your question the boundary I need her to stop is hitting me and herself and to not freak out on her 70 grandparents. They don't deserve to see that.

I think the only way for her to stop is for me to take it. Maybe not the hitting but the reacting to her rage. I guess I will just sit there like a zombie when she screams the irrational things that come out of her mouth. I do notice she doesn't freak more when I don't respond to it. But I'm afraid to agree with her because then she will really think her accusations are true and really go in a tailspin. Ugh I'm so stuck.

I really like your posts tho. I have been reading them when I can. They give me hope and I see you have a lot of patience so I'm going to give that a try... .well try harder.

[Turkish]

Humor  (being flippant) is certainly a legitimate outlet for anger and frustration. Do you actually talk to your D as you quoted though?

Setting boundaries is definitely important (with anybody,  not just a person with BPD). Doing this, as well as using the validation tools,  works better if the person in question isn't aware of it.  I've seen it very,  very rarely that a pwBPD will pick up on what the validator is actually doing and call them out on it. 

I'm still dealing with my kids hitting when frustrated, but they're young enough I can still send them to a room.  I can only imagine how this must be with a grown person.  Do you actually feel like you're in danger here?

[Sadgirl92]

Do you actually feel like you're in danger here?

Hi Turkish!

No I do not feel in danger. It's a rare thing (the hitting) let's hope. It happened last weekend. But, I don't feel afraid not like that. I havent seen her in five days. She's in her room avoiding me. When she does this (avoids me) it leads to a big blow out.

[flourdust]

But to answer your question the boundary I need her to stop is hitting me and herself and to not freak out on her 70 grandparents. They don't deserve to see that.

Hi, sadgirl. Can I encourage you to read up on boundaries? We use the term to describe things we won't tolerate and actions we'll take to protect ourselves. What you're looking for are rules, instead, which your daughter is not like.y to follow. There may be boundaries that can help protect you, and you might help her grandparents enforce their own boundaries to protect themselves.

Think of a boundary as a safety plan when something bad happens ("If there's a fire, we will leave the house." not a rule to prevent bad things ("The house agrees not to catch on fire."

[Lollypop]

Hi sad girl

I too encourage you to read up on boundaries and validation.  My BPDs26 finds long conversations difficult, he twists and turns and tries to deflect. It took me a long time to be able to see how he controls me through his behaviours.

 I've learnt to keep my statements short, clear and fair.  I also only introduce new things one at a time.  As I've said I have limits, rather than boundaries, as my BPDs doesn't rage but the same principle applies.  It takes my BPDs about 5-6 times to totally get that I mean business. You have to remain firm and strong: boundaries are thick rock solid concrete and non negotiable.

I'd recommend really taking time getting your wording right for you and your situation, plan and practise what you're going to say and when you're going to say it.

I've also found it best to make sure my BPDs isn't tired, hungry agitated etc. I pick my moment.

Good luck

L

[Sadgirl92]

Thank you for the responses. Such great advice. Boy do I need this. I will have to tell my parents about the boundaries. I did read it over and I think I can do it. Like Lollypop said short and one at a time. The first and big one is the hitting. I am going to rehearse how I will say this and of course at a good time. Wish me luck!

[oshinko maki]

I've also found it best to make sure my BPDs isn't tired, hungry agitated etc.

Right on target. Being tired or hungry makes it harder for anyone to be nice, and for a person with BPD, at least the one I know, being tired or hungry means any interaction, no matter how kind or non-confrontational you may think you are being, can or will set off a rage. If you do not want to eat a grenade, so to speak, you must wait for her to eat something if you have something you need to say. (Or wait until she has slept off the sleepiness.) At least that is what I tell myself. My BPD wife is bulimic and sometime anorexic, and I would wager often has very low blood sugar, which in itself makes it really hard to be nice if I understand correctly. She also sleeps irregularly and sometimes way too much, and she can and often does fall asleep in seconds when sitting in a chair with not much to do. -- As said by Lollypop, wait for the right time.

[Sadgirl92]

Right on

Hi oshinko. Guess where I am? Sitting in the Kroger parking lot. With your help I decided to leave before it got worse. She keeps calling me tho. I don't answer. This would have been a huge fight if I stayed there. It's cold tonight. But better then the alternative. I got a blanket and my dog. I don't want to go home.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Turkish]

What went down which resulted in you deciding to leave?

[Sadgirl92]

Hi Turkish. What happens is she starts talking about her modeling shoot. She is a beautiful girl. Her pics were stunning. But in her mind they were ugly and I should have helped her prepare more for the shoot. I should have been more supportive instead of letting her freak out before she left. She broke up with a guy she was seeing over five days and that's what made her freak out before the shoot. I told her to stay away from me. So that meant I wasn't supportive. But I knew what was going to happen. I had to stay away. Ugh what a life. Thanks for replying.

[Turkish]

That would be hard to deal with.  On the one hand,  modeling gives her validation. In addition, the break up (no matter who initiated it), probably her core feelings of shame. I'm making an educated guess here,  but maybe something like,  "if I have a bf, I'm a good person, " (but she has trouble with close relationships, not only those romantic in nature," and  "my modeling validates that I'm worthy because people love me." I'm not judging here,  nor injecting my own value judgement.

So she may have taken on a lot more anxiety about the shoot than she normally would have sans the break up.  Also something to think about: where is the line between being supportive (good), and being responsible for her feelings (not so good).

We talk a lot here about validating the pwBPD  (person with BPD), but maybe a less stressful approach may be not to be invalidating.  Take a look at this and let us know if you think it may help:

Invalidating Others

T