She wants a divorce but stay together?

[Tosquinha]

Good morning everyone.  It's been a very hellish two months where my wife who is not diagnosed with BPD but certainly shows a lot of the traits.  There's always been the push pull dynamic, the love bombing and splitting black.  I've lived in the house with her on now two occasions and she is once again wanting me to move out.  Because of how stable emotionally she has been the last couple of months, I am going to go ahead and move with my children into a place of our own because part of her trigger are the three boys in the house (she is a sexual abuse survivor).  Two of the boys are mine and one is hers (we are in a same sex marriage) so she's still going to have to deal with her issues that she has with males but I don't want my children to bare the brunt of these triggering episodes.

We've been together 7 years, married now 2.5.  This morning she tells me that she likes the idea of us continuing to see each other but that she has to be divorced (clearly marriage is a trigger too because she believes I have the right to take half if there's a divorce and she's right, I do, but this just throws her off).  Her thinking around all of this is not logical, because she is essentially doing what she fears.  She keeps trying to negotiate with me what she thinks is fair (but it's not) just to keep control of this situation that she knows isn't in much of her control. 

This is the longest one of these episodes have lasted.  I try to validate but it makes her mad.  So I don't know what to do besides giving her what she is asking for just so she has some relief around some aspects of this (and to protect my kids).

Last time this happened, about 5 years ago, she did eventually come back around, and about a year later asked us to move back in.  While I won't be doing that as long as I have my kids with me (youngest is 13) again, I can't help but find myself with whiplash over all of this. 

As far as what I want?  I'm not sure.  I hate the idea of cutting her out of my life but at the same time she just pushes so hard and sometimes I can't stand the idea of a future with her if it consists of cycling through like this.

She is seeing a therapist, but is in near constant crisis. 

Any words of wisdom?

[Hisaccount]

Sorry to hear about your trouble. Many of us have been there and it is very difficult to go through.
You have to focus on you and the kids now. What is best for you and them.
You cannot control her or what she does.
It sounds like you are painted white, kind of like me. Meaning she still likes me, but doesn't trust me enough to believe me when I try to talk her down or comfort her. Instead I am a trigger. Everything I say and do makes things worse.
When I used to be able to comfort her and stabilize her I no longer have the ability to do that.

Mine wanted a divorce. I think, or hope that when she is no longer connected to me in that way she will stabilize, maybe even let go of some of her anger and have a better life.

What happens after that who knows. Hopefully I will heal enough and be strong enough to not let her back in. It is not healthy.

[babyducks]

Hi Tosquinha,




My experience has been that pwBPD are often programmed to drive partners away, and paradoxically be most at home when suffering from yet another perceived abandonment - even when the pwBPD often worked hard (unconsciously) to arrange this outcome.   I noticed a tendency to manage fears of abandonment and fears of engulfment by creating the very thing that was feared.

This is a very difficult situation for you.     I read your past posts and understand their was an incident of domestic abuse between the two of you.    That is a significant breach of trust in a partner and in a relationship.   I know because my own relationship had a incident of violence in it.   That is hard to overcome.   I found it very confusing.   

I liked what hisaccount said, specifically this.   This is very difficult to go through.   You have adult reasoning skills and adult maturity.  Your kids don't, so I would suggest your focus be on them, helping to support them through this transition.    Kids process differently and may surprise you with their questions and fears.

I'm not at all surprised she wants a divorce.   what I came to find out was true for me was, a lot of attempts at control of a chaotic and high conflict situation expressed as demands,  I must have XYZ or else I will be unhappy.   Of course it never worked.   Giving in and providing XYZ, whether it was reasonable, logical, or what I wanted never produced that elusive happiness.

I am also not surprised you aren't sure what you want.  You've invested a lot of time and energy into this relationship.   You are getting something out of it.    And yet a part of you recognizes that the path you are on is not the healthiest.

I would suggest this:   make a commitment to listening to your internal dialogue.   I found it sometimes hard to hear what I was thinking amongst the shouting and pressure.   Challenge both your perceptions and hers.   I'm going to guess that are lot of what is being presented as "facts"   or "must haves"   are in reality subtle machinations to achieve a desired goal for her.

You have the right to be healthy, happy and safe in your relationship.  What I seem to be reading is that right now that doesn't exist.    You have the right to say 'this is a big decision, I don't want to rush into anything, let me think about it for X amount of time'.   pwBPD tend to be impulsive in ways that are normally destructive.

You should put yourself first.   The children also.     You deserve better treatment.

'ducks