My teenager with bad is mean to me but nice to her friends and boyfriend why

[Burdened mom]

My teenager 19 yrs old is very mean to me and says awful and mean things about me. She's nice to me only if she wants something, and after she gets what she wants, then gets on her phone and starts saying mean things again mean things such as how much she hates me. She's very nice and kind to her friends and her boyfriend. They don't see or hear her mean and cruel nasty remarks, or her horrible mean vicious moods. How can she be so nice to them and so mean to me I do so much for her never a thanks mom, or no signs of appreciation from her. Just more mean spirit. I adopted her at birth do not know her real parents. I feel she may resent me for that also. Please help

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Bpd mother]

My daughter was just like this when she lived at home. She would say horrible things to me and then I would hear her on the phone laughing with her friends.

She has now cut me out of her life but still has friends that think she is kind and gentle. I am grateful that she has these friends but do not understand why she dislikes me so much. I was not a perfect mother but always did my best as I am certain you do.

I believe it is very common for children with BPD to put most of the blame for their problems on their mother
Good luck

[livednlearned]

I'm so sorry, Burdened mom  It's hard to be the whipping post for rage and abuse from a child you love.

This is from a book on BPD (I Hate You, Don't Leave Me):

"The borderline shifts her personality like a rotating kaleidoscope, rearranging the fragmented glass of her being into different formations--each collage different, yet each, her. Like a chameleon, the borderline transforms herself into any shape that she imagines will please the viewer."

You likely see the intense pain of a child who feels fragmented, whereas her friends see a "self" she can slip into like a costume for short periods of time. This is probably exhausting work, and when she is no longer performing for them, she drops the act and returns to the instability she feels as a self swinging from one fragment to another. You are the witness to this transformation and the person she knows will be there no matter what, abiding her even at her worst.

There is a helpful section in the book about using SET communication (support, empathy, truth statements) to pierce the three major feeling states that people with BPD experience: terrifying aloneness, feeling misunderstood, and overwhelming helplessness.

It is hard work to learn new ways to communicate, and it's worth it. It may be normal for a BPD child to treat her parent the worst, and that is no reason to accept it.

Maybe we can walk with you and figure out some ways to prevent things from getting worse.

LnL

[Sadgirl92]

Hi burdenedmom. I'm sorry you are going through this. My daughter verbally abuses me even down to the way I walk. I am new here so unfortunately I don't have much advice. But I want you to know that we came to the right place for help and support. I am reading through the lessons to try to understand my daughter and so I can react better when her blowups happen. Take care and you can pm if you need to vent.